Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: PRIDE OF LYONS A concept that doesn't hold up. Professionally written with lots of attention to detail, however, structurally you're in dire need of various things. One is a mid act complication. Once Danny agrees to the job, there's no conflict for him other than a few scenes of embarassment. It needs different levels of conflict. It's also lacking a more active antagonist. Bryce hardly does anything in terms of placing obstacles for Danny. And the obstacles coming from other directions amount to maybe 3 in the whole script. Where is the conflict? Like in TRADING PLACES, you have two rich guys (here, lawyers) making a wager over the success or failure of an individual, except there was real humor in Trading Places since the bet was for one dollar. Your humor is too serious. Your characters not exciting enough. Finally a great climax is lacking, where there should be some sort of showdown between Bryce and Danny. When Norman becomes drunk and Danny takes over it takes on a TRAIL AND ERROR (Michael Richards) turn, which actually made Danny active for a second until Norman recovered from a drunken stupor in minutes. In fact Danny does nothing in this whole script other than teach young lawyers some acting skills. A one note script that doesn't pay off or even make sense. Review ID: 699631 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: My Mother's Wedding Cute but no when Harry met Sally The structure is tight for the most part using the usual expected conventions in a romantic comedy and while the dialogue is okay it lacks some punch. The tone is cute with no real laughs and few memorable moments like the Air Hockey scene. Nina's character is passive until the "meet" which is long overdue at page 46 and the title of the screenplay or the wedding doesn't fit. It's not about the wedding at all. It's all about a chance encounter. Finally the the romance is all too fantasy and all the guy characters are either cheats, or wusses. Paul himself is a gigantic wuss and loser. It's a wonder why Nina is even interested in this guy. The romance is forced and lacking a strong male type that would arouse attraction in her. Quite simply he's the fantasy, compliment giving guy that women "think" they want. And is so written that way. He answers to her whims, allows her to condition him, lays her with compliments. He's a wuss. What prize does he get? Nina sleeps with Frank. When Paul doesn't take her calls, he becomes interesting. Then wusses out again by showing up at her place. Nina is always in control here. She gives nothing. Only takes. As a character, Paul is not much. He's a puppet giving up control too easily to Nina. Review ID: 698894 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: The Distant Memory of Tigers Would make a great short story I love the idea for Nisha carrying around all those memories, that she can't remember who she is, until she finds Michael. But to get her to Micheal was too coincidental. In fact the script was full of coincidences. From the Martini Woman at the bar who happens to run over Alyson, to her daughter ending in London where both Nisha and Michael happen to be, where their paths had already been crossed in India. Then they meet again finally for the end. The faint structure for Sleepless in Seattle but with a twist. For a drama there is lack of conflict in all your interactions. And interactions and dialogue is all you have. Because there is no plot or solid structure. Michael is forgotten for too long, and his goal unclear. Or at least there are no scenes of him actively looking for Alyson. So he drifts, mourns. And meets interesting characters. Good dialogue, but the plot is aimless for a feature and therefore would make a cute little short, by trimming out all the fat. A guy's finance dies. He decides to do some traveling. This takes up 30 pages. Then you forget about him while we remain in India with unnecessary although interesting characters and Nisha for the next 30 pages. Plot less, unstructured, and aimless. Review ID: 697570 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: A Darker Shade of Gray Shades of FALLING DOWN The dialogue is initially quite the thrill, equally the characters but then arise the problems with this screenplay in that the main character is drifting aimlessly without a goal, and thus no clear cut structure, but rather an internal anguish that leaves me desiring more. A few things that don't go with me are the outburst of army wannabe. Not credible. Unlikely. Likewise with the John. It seems contrived because both coincidentally happen to be very bad people just as Gibson happens to be around. would work better if Gibson tailed a certain individual that was already foreshadowed as being evil so it's not coincidental. Through the wife and Micheal you introduce another aspect of Gibson reducing him to just a crazy person who needs medication. I'd like to think he's more than this. I really like your UNBREAKABLE (the part where Willis goes after the killer) type concept and the character but not your approach. Why is Gibson always bruised and beaten up if no one lands a punch on him? Once his backstory and motive is revealed 67 pages through, wouldn't he target sexual offenders recently released from prison? Instead of random pervs? Why let scumbag Irving live and take his own life? Interesting concept but lacking direction. Review ID: 681008 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Parson Street A mixture of Muholland Drive and Vanilla Sky Check critiques forum for rest of review. A very good job. Clear read. Interesting, entertaining, but a not so well thought out structure. By structure I do not mean format, like other misinformed readers commonly confuse on this site. Your real inciting incident doesn't happen until page 38. We're still in Act One at this time. While the slow development of various characters are interesting, most of them and what happens prior to the inciting incident is not needed. Therefore, the pace is slow going, with Act One stretched out with exposition. Set up the multiple dreams, the date with Kat and have the agents show up before page 20. This means you'll lose lots of these character scenes. But there's no point to them in this story. I'd cut all camera directions that are not essential to the plot. I know Kat is a dream and all, but I don't buy the progression of their relationship or the fact he doesn't acknowledge he's in a dream and asks Kat what the hell's going on. I also don't buy why he would run from the agents. Why doesn't he just tell them it's a dream? Finally a very unsatisfying ending. Just as it was getting good, it seemed like the easy way out. The easiest way to patch up all loose ends just like Vanilla Sky. Review ID: 680918 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: The Mandaean Heresy Very profesional writing, good pace, but a weak lead character. Please check critiques forum for full review. I enjoyed this screenplay. The pace and structure was good enough to keep me reading. Very Hitchcockien, in the vein of 39 STEPS but only plot wise. Your visuals, on the other hand, do not do much to convey the complex elements, so you rely on mostly dialogue. While the dialogue is lacking a little more snappy banter and runs on sometimes into lengthy monologues, it's still keeping my interest, merely because it all pertains to the plot, and thus drives the story forward. You obviously know your stuff. Neat, short details for every scene. Good research. However, get rid of CONTINUOUS in the formatting. Use INTER CUT if happening at same time.first flash back and Roger - How does this advance current story? Amusing? Yes. Needed? No. If the Docent doesn't speak English, why does Simon waste lots of English words on him. Rosylyn gives him a lift, so why is he so ungrateful? Looks like you were trying to slip in information for the audience. With both Docent and Rosyln, you have Simon talk unnecessary words, just to tip information to the audience. Overall, a fairly nice job! Don't forget to check forum for more of this review. Review ID: 676657 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Safehouse Character actions are illogical. Script is riddled with holes. None of the characters are believable. What they do makes no sense, given their backgrounds and circumstances. Why would Travis not tell local cop that he's guarding a witness? Yet seek his help? Conflict between Sheriff and Travis is ridiculous. Why conceal info from Bernie and cause trouble? It's predictable when Gary shows up. Isn't witness protection assigned to a group of police officers? Especially if she's so important.Might be better to have her attacked in a safe house then assigned to Travis who does things differently. Setting him up as a fuck up is tired and cliche. Make him the pro instead who swoops in to fix things. Would hit men leave a material witness after shooting the mom? Have them shoot Catherine and think she's dead. Dialogue lacks heat. Make sure you type character names under new slug lines. The Bar fight is an action script cliche to show how tough Bernie is. Try something different. Also, why does Catherine even go there? She's mourning her dead mom and under protection. This is silly. Guy reading women's magazine in store. Deck him, and search the guy's wallet. Humor can arise here, as Travis discovers it's an undercover cop. Develop subplot love triangle involving Bernie and Travis. Review ID: 676596 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: WRAPPED Beautiful images - makes no sense First off, the first shot is fantastic. Great lighting. The editing, cinematography very professional, until the carpet gets discovered. From here editing, cinematography, even performances took a nose dive. Far as story, you can't tell the kids broke in. Them imaging driving the car was great and the shots used composition's well. However once they find the carpet, the editing was off like shots were missing to tell the story. Plus we are no longer in their head like when they drove the car. Now we can't tell what's going on. They open it, scream. It thunders, rains outside. Part of their imagination? Too internal. Again the editing is off, both timing and the continuity feels choppy and not deliberately choppy either. Finding a dead body. Not particularly too original. I can't tell what the ending is about whether he sees a dead body or not. Review ID: 676518 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: The Mob Father Logic holes and poor structure The first 30 pages made for an interesting read, then the many logic holes, coincidences, the lack of structure, the nose dive in comedy, and the illogical premise itself rapidly disintegrated the screenplay. The tone fits recent blockbuster's such as Mickey Blue Eyes and Analise That. The wedding scene in particular owes itself to the latter. Jersey disguise doesn't make sense because it alters Leo's appearance before team members. You try to justify this with a few gags, comments. But its a logic gap. You use an easy way out to get both Victor and Leo aware that they are both in Jersey - The TV. Many slug lines follow with no description. Always tagline Leo as Leo. You didn't set up Peter, Meghan as religious, yet both visit Father Flannigan. If he believes Victor will kill Maurice on wedding day, then why make sure the wedding continues? Why would Victor risk prison by what he does at the wedding? Other than Leo going to Jersey with his basketball team where his daughter is getting married, there is no goal, stakes, or turning point until ACT 2 BEGINS ON PAGE 60 where he now must save his daughter's life at the wedding. Alex does not have to be with Leo like Rick Moranis in MY BLUE HEAVEN because there is no trial. Review ID: 676490 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Two-Year Plan Sex and the City a la Canadian, eh? I like what you are trying to do here. There are many scenes with humor, but feels like your pushing it in places or either the gags are on the weak side, but then some episodes of Sex and the City and even the first ones I don't find too good. So it's subjective. In that case I'll focus on structure, format where I think your problems are. First you introduce our five characters too quickly, rapidly bombarding the senses so I don't get a feel for each individual until around page 35 because I'm still trying to remember who's who. If you introduce them slowly dedicating extremely memorable moments for each it will stick in my mind. I do like how each has a certain characteristic that they deal with throughout. Play on that more. Fully develop their main misbehavior and have them constantly confront it. Breaking the fourth wall is cute. It works. But not as effective as in High Fidelity. Again you have lots of crosscutting, flashbacks, tid bits that go back and forth between these five characters not too mention many little montages, and series of shots that confuse the script all the way too the end. Seems like you were full of ideas and tried to put down all of them. I'd focus on the best ones and develop those. Good Job! Review ID: 674958 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Aisle 7 Dum unresolved ending This was easy and a pleasure to watch, with some okay tracking movements, editing, and some good humor with the bread and sound effects, however the ending is too much of an easy way out. Like you didn't have anywhere else to go with it. Besides we never get to see him sucked in. That's the shot you needed to show to totally make this work. Think Freddy Kruger in Night Mare on Elm street 1. The very ending a hand comes through and whips up the mother through glass window in door. That's what you needed. And it would have been funny as hell. You could have easily substituted the actor for an equally dressed blow up doll. And had someone on the other side of the aisle to quickly whip the doll through. Then you speed this up to 6 frames in editing. And it would have be cool and funny, plus we get see where he went. Then you could have added an extra gag, where the aisle is empty and the bread spits itself back out. And ANOTHER CUSTOMER approaches to REPLACE THE BREAD. We know what's going to happen to him don't we? That's comedy. But you'll get better. Just look for the jokes man. Sound was good. Except for a background hiss you should get rid off. Review ID: 674835 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Backyard Fantasy What did I just watch? Nice animation although ruined by poor compression. I couldn't tell what the point to this move was. All I saw were animations. Are there strange goings on in the backyard? The only thing strange about it were the lazer gun sound effects inserted for the weird insect at the end. Try actually telling a story. This just looks like a demo of what you can do on your computer. If so drop the real video and switch to quick time. Why upload your precious animation in a terrible encoded image with pix elation? Review ID: 674147 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Siren: Episode 5 Incomplete story, like a scene from a bigger movie. Some nice shots, pleasant lighting. Voice over works well giving us insights to her character. Unfortunately it's the voice over that carries the story. Visuals do not do anything. The shower scene was beautiful, however, not just because of the naked chick, but for the nice flow of tracking shots, smooth cross dissolves, and wet surfaces carrying reflections. The ending sound effects I guess are from another episode? Sounds like she was in Vietnam. You have a lip synch problem. It's not the stream as I rewound and played again, but couldn't get it in sync. Probably encoded incorrectly. Review ID: 674144 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Corner Of The Earth slow pace and dumb ending Free Will Review: Because I keep seeing your picture on every movie I've been assigned. Cinematography, shot selections okay for the most part. Editing could have been tighter. Graphic Inserts slow your story and intrude where they shouldn't. For the first minute your guy just stands, looks, takes notes. Nothing happening. I'd have used this time to have setup exactly what he's doing with a series of cool shots and fascinating explanations. their performances are lackluster. It's not just the heat. THey need to put in more energy. But the pace, shot selection, story really does not give it to them. Finally your ending is incredibly silly as it puts a reverse on the whole thing. Reducing your mood, history, inserts to nothing. It's a big build up to nothing. When he dissapears, the superimpositions, flashes are not edited right or simply do not belong. Whatever it is it didn't look right. It gave me the impression of amateurish. Likewise with the fancy transitions on your inserts covering up their faces. Stick with story first. Develop that. Then only if necessary put in transitions. Still. it was not entirely bad. It's okay. Review ID: 674138 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Killer Loop Great concept (Although done) but your film doesn't show it. I didn't read the synopsis until after I watched it. I didn't understand what was going on. It looked like a woman having flashbacks to me. Sound, image quality is poor. Stay away from real player, go quicktime for your encoding needs. I can't rate cinematography because everything was so pix elated. All of your efforts listed in production credits go wasted for uploading a poorly compressed movie. Steve Guttenberg in HIGH SPIRITS saves a ghost who repeats her death night after night at the same time. That's where I've seen your story before. Coincidentally she is also stabbed. You need to show somehow that she is a ghost and indeed reliving her death for eternity. I don't get it. Yes it loops. But I don't know that she's actually reliving it again and again. You need to come up with something else to show this. Right now it's confusing. Review ID: 674122 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: BR(A)ILLIANT Poorly made Student Film It was an intriguing concept with potential. However there lots of holes in this film. Short on jokes. First off the blind guy was too young. Looked like a student trying to act like adult. I'd expect to see him in a dorm not in his own apartment. However, you still have him dressed like a stereotype blind guy so why not do the same with the thief? It's not clear that he's a thief. Should have shown him loading a sack on his way out. The blind guy is harmless, so why doesn't the thief just push him and walk out? The whole film falls apart on this one detail. You don't provide an answer to this gap, so I don't buy anything that follows. Plus it was all too silly. Contrived. Would have worked better at night. Blind guy probably doesn't use lights. But the burglar needs them. Music, sound effects were terrible, even annoying. The way it was shot needed to focus on some closeups. Too wide. Lost many important beats. Like the surprise, fear on thief's face when Blind Guy walks in. If blind guy was 7 foot 350 pounds. Then maybe I'd buy why the thief would run and hide. Review ID: 674086 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: For the Love of Sonja Not bad although predictable and tediously long Acting was okay. Camera work was a little dogme but seemed to work here. Her not coming out of the bathroom and the husband banging on the door became repetitive, long and dull. The variation where the kid came to the door was good. But then it was just husband, door, banging, crying. Husband, door, banging, crying. You get my drift. Repetitive. The multiple shots foreshadowing shots of the razor blade just set up a predictable ending. The story sucks. Other elements were okay. Review ID: 674018 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Highs and Laws The comedy failed to grab my attention. You have potential here. Lots of it to create a great British character. What he needs is a clear misbehavior. A personality trait that he has to come to terms with, when he leaves for the island of Pogo, pogo. It's not clear who he is in the first act and what he wants. He needs a specific goal. Much of the humor just doesn't do it for me. I couldn't get into the screenplay. And the lack of structure did no aid. Too many characters introduced slow it down. Again the humor seems mismatched and does not fit its characters. Like your forcing them to do things without listening to where your characters wish to go. This creates an unnatural world without any rules to adhere to. Or a specific kind of reality or universe. So it's a lot up and downs from one weak gag to another. Unlikely comedic scenarios. A word on humor. Pogo Pogo is not funny. Try words with "K" in them as these get the funny bone ticKling. Try another ridiculously named island. Word on format. Make sure you name character tag line again if his speech is separated by action. If the action is short include it in parenthesis. I think you need to focus on a premise with this one, outline it again and attack it differently. Think British fish out of water... Review ID: 673524 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Don't Push Now Everything was fantastic except for dumb punchline ending You had me hooked and in awe of editing, music, the mysterious energetic main actor. I was really digging it. Loved the wide screen look, the quick cut stylized shots. But looks like you didn't know where to go with it to make it into a story. And so you tagged a silly ending. Which when looked at in retrospect doesn't make sense with the rest. Or even tie in. Wouldn't he have just gone to the toilet, had a dump, and waited patiently for his roommate? I doubt he would agonize waiting around before he took a dump. He'd just drop his pants and push. Still, you deserve to be in the festival. Great talent. Review ID: 673471 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Pawn I'm impressed with the production value Great job. Lots of talent here. Slick cinematography. Good choice of locations. The story is a homage to Good Fellas and borders on melodrama towards the end, however. But the biggest flaw in this tightly edited and even well directed film is the casting. They actually do a great job but they are not correct for the roles. They are too young and are trying to act like adults. That's why this has a distinct student film feel to it. You needed to have casted some talented older actors. Or the dialogue would have to be rewritten, their wardrobe changed and character backgrounds altered to fit these two talented younger actors. Go to an acting workshop and hire older people next time. Or write to fit the people you are casting. Other than this everything else was quite good. You deserve to be in the festival. Review ID: 673459 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Crutch Interesting abstract piece The haunting visuals look nice and leave this piece open to many interpretations. What I got from it was that marriage is lonely, the fear of commitment chases this guy in the form of a bride, cripples him with the crutches, is a burden because of the tin cans dragging on his feet. Everything is geared towards the fear of commitment. Much like a dream sequence. Editing is slick with a few tricks. Cinematography is cool. Length of film is too long. Becomes repetitive, and the cans rattling become annoying. The first four minutes I would have been lost if it was not for the written synopsis. Review ID: 673317 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Bonnie and Mr. Clyde Nice concept, weak execution. I like the concept and the technology fueled heists. But the characters are really lacking. It might better if Bonnie and Clyde meet for the first time, cross paths, and realize how alike they are. One could damage the other's heist. This would be the "meet" In effect their first encounter might be more interesting if it was similar to how Huckleberry Fin meets Tom Sawyer. They fight. They Bond. The Knightrider style car is cool. Sadly, the car is more interesting than your characters. Your spiritless dialogue needs to be spiced up. Don't write the character's complete name in your dialogue tags. Your climax is the typical action film cliche. The bad guy holds a gun over the hero's loved one. Try different approach to avoid this. Also you need to condense your action blocks into fewer lines to keep the pace going as quickly as you intended. You narrate what happens instead of showing us in shots. Here's two other tips: Eliminate "STARTS TO" this will save space. Nothing "starts to" on screen. It either does it or it doesn't. Try not to start every sentence with Thomas does this & Thomas does that.Use various synonyms for "Punch" so you don't repeat the same verb ten times in a passage. Good job, keep writing and learning. Review ID: 673242 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Reflection Lapse Nice visuals. That's about it. I appreciate the eye for capturing some interesting shots. It looks good. The editing wasn't too bad either. Needs some tightening. Sound problems in the warehouse. I couldn't hear the character who was walking. I would have recording his dialogue either with a boom mike or afterwards with a dat and looped it in to fit the lips in editing. The story is a done to death one for film students. And there's not a three act structure in here. Plus it's very easy to go down to any acting workshop and get real older actors. These actors are too young for the story and they are students. It's very obvious. Review ID: 673173 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: The Big Cheese Artificial acting. Weak story. The only comedy here is the hiring of cheap British actors trying to imitate Blackadder. Acting seems fake. I don't believe the characters. The Naked Gun quick play on words dialogue at beginning don't work. Bad comedy timing. Bad acting. Editing is not bad for the most part.with Interesting cheesy transitions. But some shots are too long. Actors are stiff, posed for the shot. As far as the story, it drags. Nothing exceptional about the premise or structure. The actors remain standing in the same place for more than half the film just talking. Pace picks up when music comes on and they move to the other location and stand in that place. The dialogue is artificial. Fake. Part because of the way its written part because of the acting. What a shame. All that time put into this. A cliche ending. You didn't know how to end it so you chose the amateur way out. No resolution. Weak structure. Review ID: 673172 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: The Worlds Greatest Mysteries Solved This film is bollocks I'm from the UK and pretty much agree with everyone else that this film is too long. You use the funny word "bollocks." That's about it. Only so many times you can repeat this word until it is no longer funny and I am bored out of my mind. I like the animation and the first 30 seconds were kind of funny. Then you have nothing else. Finally you need a really good punchline for the ending. Using the word bollocks again for the ending is overkill. I rate this bollocks. Review ID: 673157 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Playing with your Monkey Structural problems Okay, cute idea. Monkeys are funny. But you need to learn how to craft a story since you don't have enticing visuals or great editing. Start with a main character who has a goal. Have him try to accomplish this goal in a series of attempts each one harder than the other. Is the monkey the main character? Then show him doing or attempting to earn his master's love. Show the other guy ignoring him. Try not to allow the monkey to let his master know that it lives like Toy Story. Dispense with the violent ending. Amateurish and overused when there's no story and a beginning filmmaker doesn't know where to go next. Review ID: 673146 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: CLOSE TO THE CHEST (REVISED) Needs a lot of work Remove all instances of the verb to be in screenplays, as you use it too much. "Is" "are" completely unnecessary words. Likewise with "and." The " ... " is also used for when dialogue trails off. The "-- "is a character interrupting another's speech. Don't mix them up. Your dialogue is blantanly on the nose. They are speaking the subtext. Pick other things for them to argue over, leaving hidden meanings buried beneath the words. Dialogue is also formatted wrong. This would add to the length of your script. Stay away from generic descriptions like...it's a car chase. Give us a few strong visuals, name make of car if necessary, and throw in an action verb or two. You have tone problems. You open up with what appears to be a serious drama, then with the plane hijacking everything turns to quirky unrealistic comedy due which does not fit with the ground rules you have already laid out. The goal the way it was setup was too brief, hidden under other character interactions and easily overlooked. I didn't get why she has to go searching for her Boyfriend and why she's involves herself with the mob. I had to go back and search for the reasons. Review ID: 672431 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: The Great Zombie Raid Not very good, this Dawn of the dead at a college imitation. Too many camera directions throughout makes it look like a shooting script. Giant half page blocks of action make it even harder to read through. Plus you waste five pages of story for a credit sequence which doesn't do much to advance the script or embelish character traits. Kevin (20's) would save you four unneeded words to tell us how old your characters are. A variety of characters are introduced in quirky scenarios that do more to add to the script's length than aid your story. It's not getting any laughs either. You're trying to hit the IDLE HANDS genre, but the comedy, dialogue, characters need new ideas, new gags, new dialogue. Try coming up with a premise you can build on. I can sense GEORGE ROMERO'S FILMS and FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF flashed through your head as you wrote this. So it's just a mismatch of weak humored scenes that do nothing to advance a story. By page 20 I'm not sure who the main character is unless you're intention was for an ensemble cast then none are developed. Also I have no idea what the exact setup event is or where you are heading in the initial first act. A few moments of humor were the team battling zombies with pots and pans as Armour. But the characters seem like 12 year olds. Review ID: 672415 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: anchorage Not bad for a "DRAMA" but needs a new structure and direction. An interesting twist on a drama. I like it. But until the very end, we're notsure what this is about. Or why people are the way they are. The first 40 pages could do with condensing to 20 pages. Cut out most the dialogue and unneeded scenes. Get to the heart of the story which is Bella, the man eating boss. In this sense I'm kind of reminded of 9 til 5 but with less comedy and an emphasis on violence and tragedy. From the introductory scene you set up an environment of cold, violent tragedy akin to FARGO. But a focus and particular goal is needed for Cal. He has no goal for the first 40 pages. He simply exists, watches. He doesn't do anything. Likewise we don't even know how cruel Bella is until page 40. All of this should be in your initial 20 pages. Setup, get to the point. Tell us a story. Take us in a direction that deals with your character's inner conflict and goal. He's responsible for creating Bella. He ought to know this. Where is his inner conflict? Perhaps in this case, it shouldn't be revealed at the very end. This is not a murder mystery or sixth sense. I don't think this rug pull is very effective at the end. But setting it up sooner sure puts the story into a different perspective like the great drama LEVITY. Review ID: 672392 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Deja Vu All Over Again Flatliners without the twists and surprises. Neither a comedy, drama, nor thriller. It’s confused and lies somewhere between a comedy but closer to being a straightforward drama. However, the characters are developed and each has their unique voice and characterization. It's as if you were to take FLATLINERS, and focus on three character’s individual trips, and have them play out in sequential fashion, without the reversals, hooks, and surprises. The first two trips each have obstacles laid out for the characters to overcome within their future, since they do find themselves in high profile lives they are not prepared for. But these are nothing of any great substance. Instead you focus on lighter issues of values, priorities, love, and friendship. The kind of sappy, formulaic, dramatic ingredients you find on TV weekly drama episodes. In the final trip, Henry is whisked away into an interesting passage of life after death, through multiple doorways that lead through his subconscious, and ultimately to the big man himself (God). But it ends here leaving it unresolved. This sequence was so interesting that I thought any second a great reversal was going to put a spin on the whole story. Like Neidermeia was the devil, or part of something bigger but nothing happens. NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings. Review ID: 580332 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: No Exit Your synopsis is way off target An incredibly fast read, and not a boring one. However, the dream sequence I see as pointless. And I think the story would play better if it did occur all in one room. But it doesn't. You use multiple locations, until settling at the library. A lot of it was repetitive and redundant, but the little manipulative twists and revelations that start to occur on page 80 onwards had me hooked. In here is only a short script. As a feature It doesn't work for me. Although the dream sequence is interesting, it's just that, and there isn't enough connection to the dialogue exchange afterwards. The whole thing becomes a mere segway that brings about the discussion which fills the rest of the pages. When she admits to cheating on him for the last nine months, I was completley on Les's side. And even though she said she cheated only twice. That means she slept with Victor before Les cheated on her and slept with Victor after she found out Les was sleeping with Grace. She did afterall cheat on him first and spent all her time with Victor. He should never forgive that part. The story begins to build from page 80 but never reaches a satisfactory climax with both at each other's throats. That's where it needed to be. Too much setup. NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings. Review ID: 569782 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: EVENING FALLS (Revised) Lord of the Elements or is it Sam Potter There is some good writing in here. Good visualizations. But the structure of this story is the weakest part about it. For the first 72 pages I have no idea what is going or why.The pace slackens and even the action scenes with Solomon do nothing to aid it. Because I have no Idea what Solomon's goal is. Your exposition that sets the story in motion occurs on page 72. This should have been in act one. Sam the protagonist is a weak passive character who does nothing. Solomon steals the show taking us into a swashbuckling world of fantasy and weird creatures, but my interest lies with Sam, and I wish the story stayed with him. It should have been him going off on an adventue. With all these wizard powers one wonders a lot why doesn't he do this? Why doesn't he just do that? Finally this is a world that is supposed to be part of our reality; therefore I find the suspension of disbelief impossible when it comes to the townsfolk of Evening Falls. I'm not convinced for one minute that they would sit back and do nothing everytime a person walks into the tobacco fields and dissapears. Wouldn't they search the field? If this was a parallel universe I would buy it. In this world scientists would have quarantined the place. NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings. Review ID: 557277 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Will Walking Neat ideas. No narrative. Interesting visuals and effects that leave it open to too many thoughts. I kind of got the idea of your synopsis without having read it. But you don't take it anywhere. Your character needs something to do. A problem he needs to solve. THis is just a demo effects piece, nothing else. A la Clockstoppers or Waking Life came to mind. But this is a deep subject you've picked and there needs to be some kind of change towards the end. It's like Mannequin except the whole world freezes when he's not looking. Cool idea. Review ID: 510860 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Better Living Through Chemistry Movie makes no sense This is more like a music video, with no narrative structure. Panic attack? What's your character's goal in this film? Where's the story? It's just an incident with no consequences. Besides I didn't get the point of the panic attack. What does it make you do? You just filmed a bunch of stylistic somewhat decent composed shots and slapped on some music. The pacing drags with too many unnecessary fade to blacks that disjoint the quick cutting you've got going on. Review ID: 510854 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: The Day the Earth Stood StiZill Would only make a South Park episode. Kenny wanted to kill himself? Is that an inside joke, South Park reference? The premise of this story is very clever, and your knack for writing the dialogue is funny. All speeches are interesting, but there's too much of it in this script. There's only enough story here to make a half hour SOUTH PARK SERIES. And that's all it is. It's like a South Park for black people. The script has many funny lines, but it's not visual. There are so much more jokes you could come up with that depend purely on visuals. But your weakness is a lack of visuals. The first turning point does not occur till page 50. It needs to occuraround page 30. You could cut out 20 pages. Just use your best material, and cut out the rest. Check your email for the rest of this review. 250 words not enough. NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings. Review ID: 469720 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Outrage Very good stuff! Check your email for longer review. 250 words not enough. I liked this very much. This is the best script I've read on this site second to THE FIXER. The story is so clear and detailed that it's great for spotting all the twists and turns, and could be used as a guide line of how scripts should be structured and written. This also makes it vulnerable and all the much clearer for spotting the few holes this script has. 1st turning point occurs right on target, page 30.What are the stakes though? Are they really that high?He'll be exposed as a fake? Or he'll be considered gay? Whatever, although I can see he's comitted to solving the problem, and willenlist the help of his two freinds. The setup is so plausible, cleverly forshadowedby introducing these well rounded characters. Deception is on, and I'm waiting to seewhen and how his deception is uncovered.But I do feel like it was a little text heavy getting to this point. Very farcical but I'm believing the exaggeration. Your only major weakness although a very interesting read is your first act. It reads heavy, feels heavy, and the humor isn't as great as what's to come. -- Can you shave your head? - Now that's my kind of humor. From here on I was hooked. NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings. Review ID: 469712 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Pedal to the Metal Lost its oomph by page 40 I sent you a much longer review, because I honestly enjoyed this script up until around page 40. And there was still stuff to keep me reading till the end. There is great dialogue here before page 40. Your problems though is that you can't decide what movie you are writing. You start out with coming of age AMERICAN PIE type of stuff. That was good. Then you turned into DETROIT ROCK CITY. Still okay but the two didn't connect. Finally you showed the characters years later heading towards STILL CRAZY type of film. But this part never went anywhere in fact it was here on that film went awol, and made no sense. It was struggling, and so was it's great humor that was going for it. Also your logline is way too long. I almost didn't read it just because of your logline. Make it snappy and interesting below 30 words. NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings. Review ID: 469541 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Darts A new angle would liven it up This is how I felt personally about your story, doesn't mean that I am right.if you approached this story from another angle, I would consider it, such as a crime-caper story where your main guy enlists the help of failing students in order to cheat, lie, steal, anything to win and beat her. Notes (Emphasis on first ten pages):You have eight characters on the first page. Because of this I don't know who's the main dude, and I get confused. Avoid exclamation marks within dialogue. You set up the premise too early. Would be cool to see these character's before in different scenes, you know set up who they are, their perspectives, their goals. Then go to the pub and darts game.CUT TO: is extinct. What are the stakes at hand for your ensemble cast? .What if he needed to beat her out of revenge...Did she cheat on him? were they lovers?Could you make her a bitch, that's failed many men? - Make it just one college? and that's why the men wish to help him beat her?stocks and finances are a backdrop needing lots of explanation. Have a character that always asks questions that the audience wish to ask themselves. The politically correct gag with death dude is followed by an unnecessary explanation. NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings. Review ID: 469448 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: The Village Idiot Good premise. I like the premise of this story, but what's missing is characterization setups at the beginning of the script. If it's life in suburbs, I want to see a bunch of quirky funny characters that your main character makes fun of in the script.The way then you chose to go with the story reminds me of a WAYANS BROS episode. Where Marlon is a bad stand up comic, that only does well when his family watches his act, and he makes fun of them. So he becomes funny and successful but at the expense of his families embarrassment. In the end he apologizes of course and goes back to his unfunny routine acts that the comedy club owner fires him for. Anyway, your execution lacks visuals. All of your comedy comes from it's dialogue. There's too much dialogue. And I don't find myself laughing from line to line. The fact that you listed this as Comedy, Drama is a bad way to go for me - my opinions are subjective and biased - Cut the drama bring the comedy on. There's potential here but I want to see quirky original characters in this town that do the stupidest things. I, the viewer want to laugh at these people and feel superior to them and their way of life. NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings. Review ID: 466499 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Cold Conscience Nothing new in this script. You have a grasp of correct format. Still some things you could work on, like stay way from using "is" and verbs ending in "ing."Example: He's sitting -Change to He sits.In your opening, you have a very cliche hit. Nothing different about it. They shoot some bald guy in a bathtub. Why? I don't know. And it's like your trying to make it artsy by having the milk spin on the floor like a Kaleidoscope. But the hit dissapoints me. Why can't they take him out in a totally original way? Each of their hits could be sophisticated, meticulous and calculated. But they are not. They are just repetitive. The story drifts along, with the main character just being passive, going with the flow, not making any decisions. By PAGE 37, there's no real turning point. He was already at the job from the beginning. (By the way your conversion is in the wrong font size. Your script is actually 127 pages.)All the male characters seem to talk the same way, except for Lemon, they are all pissed off.their speeches and philosophies are long and not too interesting. Just cut them down to a few phrases. Dialogue is hard, it takes years to master. Until then keep it short, try not to be funny in every line. NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings. Review ID: 463761 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: The Circle Interesting premise. A sweet story with a happy ending but your format is in the wrong font. Should be courier.It seems to me to me though, you are trying to be funny throughout but being beaten by one's own dad the way you gruesomely depicted makes it a very serious matter. Which is why I don't buy the relationship between the father and son throughout the beginning. You act like that if your dad hit you once maybe, but not being beat to shit. I don't buy how passive the main character is. And it's mainly due to the dialogue between the two. I don't think they should talk at all, let alone try to be funny. It's almost like Bart Simpson and Homer except the tone is too serious. Overall, the script is like a Back to The Future but without any of the comedy, stressing on the emotional level without the fun. Your ending, Don asking him to go back to the past because he wants to see ELVIS suggests some kind of wacky sequel, but the subject matter so far is too dark. Now your dialoque often runs on for half a page. Trim it to a few lines. Also, your descriptions and actions are all blended together. You have chunks of paragraphs that run on for half a page. Brake them up with interesting visuals. NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings. Review ID: 462144 Reviewed by: unionjacker Re: Tastes Like Cauliflower Needs a lot of work Your whole intro could be much better, instead of saying grown up, make each one distinctive by simpling labeling them by what shoes, pants, or socks they wear, and use that description for their character names.Do not use WE in a screenplay, try to describe the action without specifying camera terms. WHAT???????????Maybe it's the hole in my brain from all the drugs swimming in alcohol swimming in drugs.By page two, your dialogue is bogging me down. Reduce stuff toa few lines, keep moving.Example: Have you ever tried Elmers? Swear to God, one time I sniffed half a bottle and saw Elvis Presley making out with a sock puppet.That's it, don't use the rest of this dialogue. Cut it here, it's funny.Sock puppet is your punchline. By having him continue after, I'm expecting him to say something funnier. Your grownup dialogue ain't cutting it bro. They're not funny and they talk too much. That's a problem. Okay INDIAN man at the convenience store. I see you are really trying to be funny here and you are using the easiest trick there is. Pick another race, this one has been done too much Damn, I need more than 250 words. NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings. Review ID: 462119