MR. PERFECT Original Screenplay by Elton Sebastian WGA: 916840 FADE IN: EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY - DAY A stray tumbleweed rolls across the asphalt. The air thick, hot, onerous, as a Red Chevy Camaro breaks through the sweltering heat. Classic rock blares from the radio as the Camaro blasts through the tumbleweed. CAMARO Tumbleweed bounces off the window as LAURA sits behind the wheel. Mid thirties, a brunette, quite beautiful but doesn’t put much time into her appearance. She wears a white lab coat, white blouse. Glasses, no makeup, her hair in a bundle. She sings along to the music. Her singing voice is awful. DESERT HIGHWAY A sign reads, ‘Route 66.’ The Camaro storms past whipping up dust, it clears. The Camaro fades in the distant heat. EXT. SKIN TECHS INC - DAY Two U.S. Army Guards stand on either side of opening iron gates. They wave Laura’s Camaro through. It follows a dust driveway leading to a building in the distance. HARRY (O.S.) Left leg reflex. LAURA (O.S.) Check. HARRY (O.S.) Left arm reflex. INT. OPERATION ROOM - DAY Laura bends over a circuit board. She solders a connection. In f.g. A featureless arm shoots up, no hairs, with joined web-like fingers. Behind Laura, small group of Onlookers applaud. Laura smiles at the creation. LAURA Check. 2. The applause intensity increases over - INT. SKIN TECHS INC - CONFERENCE ROOM - INTERCUT At a long table similar to the pentagon, General JOHNSON, a small but powerful man, stands before a large projector screen. Decorative medals pinned on every surface of his jacket. Seated on opposite sides of the table are important looking government officials all applauding. The clapping subsides. JOHNSON Four of America’s finest scientists are working hard to develop this organic being. This fighting machine. He points his cane at a male stick figure on the large screen behind him. JOHNSON A controllable man-made human, with the intelligence of a thousand men’s minds, made possible by Intel’s newest trillion dollar Pentium quintuplet-processor. SCREEN A large computer pentagon-shaped chip flashes. The words ‘INTEL PENTIUM’ bold and bright. JOHNSON Our goal is to make prototype Woodford look like a regular Joe, but equipped with X-ray vision, super hearing, and replaceable vital organs, fabricated in this very lab. SCREEN A world map. Johnson walks past. JOHNSON These organisms will learn how to walk, talk, and look like any ethnic group. They will serve as spies for America, infiltrating organizations and families anywhere in the world. 3. Johnson walks past the screen, as little male stick figures replicate in Great Britain, Russia, Afghanistan, then cover the map like a spreading virus. Clapping ensues. INT. MAIN LAB - INTERCUT Various stations, contraptions, gadgets, bubbling test tubes. ERIC SHUN, JOHN WONG, and HARRY BUSH work hard looking at nude centerfolds. Eric turns over the page. ERIC Hooah! Look at the legs on this one, eh? They go right up to her ass. The other two gawk at the model. HARRY Hey, you heard this one? What’s the definition of a woman? Eric and Wong shrug. HARRY Life support for the vagina. They all laugh. Across from them sits Laura at her station. She peers through glasses at a diagram of Da Vinci’s the Renaissance Man where she pencils in complex algebraic equations. A series of photographs of her and FRANK LONG adorn the desk. Frank has a regular build, unkempt hair, and paint splattered overalls in all photos. Laura looks happy in the photos. A large oil painting of Frank drapes her wall. Harry, Wong, and Eric gather around the latest Maxim edition, where they ogle a big centerfold of Jennifer Lopez. Her ass takes up a whole page. A BUZZER RINGS and they look up. MONITOR JOHNSON and his aide, TOOGOOD, a sinewy man with spectacles and a sinister mustache. MAIN LAB Harry, Eric, and Wong stuff magazines into a drawer full of porno. They scuttle around, each putting on scientist’s lab coats - their names labeled on the coats. They each check the 4. names, then swap lab coats with each other. Metallic door slides open. Harry, Eric and Wong make themselves look busy by pretending to look at bubbling test tubes and jotting notes on blank note pads. JOHNSON Nice to see all you boys hard at work. Gentlemen I bring you good news. In the back, Laura clears her throat. JOHNSON Uh yes, and you too, miss... LAURA Wilde...Laura Wilde? Toogood passes him a folder. He opens it. It contains photo of Laura and her credentials: M.I.T. Ten Years, P.H.D Biological Engineering... psychology. JOHNSON Ah, yes, the robot psychologist... (looks at the men) The department has granted us an extension and more funding. Prototype Woodford will continue at full throttle. Cheers from the guys. Johnson gets eye contact with Laura. JOHNSON Laura? Prototype Woodford’s learning and education are in your hands. You will be his teacher, a type of psychological wet nurse if you will... He whips out a sheet from the folder. JOHNSON After he learns to talk and walk like a true American patriot, you will supervise the pedunculopontine tegmental nucle... (he closes the folder) Will someone explain this in English to me? WONG Yes sir, General, quite simple really. It is a visual orientation process, where - Johnson listens, his eye wonders...and quickly fills the frame as a cartoon image superimposes over his retina. 5. IMAGE A male cardboard cutout figure sits in a cinema. HARRY (V.O.) Prototype Woodford will be placed in a room like a cinema and shown for hours on end, collections of instructional combat and war audio-video DVDs. Images feed directly into the head of the male cardboard cutout figure. Among the images are tanks, attack planes, the American flag, and President Jr. Bush. ERIC (V.O.) This is how he learns sir. All of his combat, soldiering, and social skills will be learned simply by viewing, eh - MAIN LAB JOHNSON In other words, we’re sending him to the talkies. And he’ll come out as the perfect soldier and citizen? WONG Yes sir, General. Whatever he sees, he learns, he incorporates into his system, and he use it. The effects are quite irreversible. Once he learn a behavior, you cannot change it. BUZZER RINGS, Johnson looks up. MONITOR Two Army Guards wear pink aprons. They push a cart containing flowers and a bucket of ice. Metallic door opens. MAIN LAB JOHNSON Today calls for a celebration. Everyone is to leave early, go home, get some rest, snuggle up to your loved ones. Laura looks at Frank’s oil portrait draped on the wall. 6. JOHNSON Tomorrow we begin what no one else has accomplished. The General pops the cork off the champagne. Bubbly explosion. EXT. A DUSTY NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY A sign reads: RACHEL HEIGHTS. There’s no grass in this neighborhood, just six houses opposing each other in the middle of a desert. Laura's Camaro pulls up to one of the houses. She sees the driveway blocked by two cars. A dalmation spotted Jeep and a Pontiac Firebird. On the jeep a sign reads, ‘ Sharon Bush.’ Laura frowns. She parks on the road and emerges with a stack of papers and folders. INT. FOYER - DAY Laura enters a partially furnished home not yet settled in. Strange art work adorn a few half painted walls. She looks around. Quiet. She rests her keys on a table. Then hears voices and what sounds like crying. She stares down the long hallway and treads towards it... HALLWAY Laura pussyfoots across the tiled floor, looks in - BEDROOM Empty. Just a bed, more art work and half painted walls. HALLWAY She hears more crying. Laura continues towards the end of the hall. A door is ajar - She approaches the door... Gropes the door handle... 7. DEN Laura swings the door open, stands in the entrance, shocked. Frank humps Sharon Bush, a mature blond bimbo from behind. Startled, Frank pulls out of the bimbo and whips around - White substance splatters over Laura’s face. Frank stands there speechless. A tube of KY Jelly in his hand. He nervously squeezes the tube spurting more white gel over Sharon’s back. FRANK This is exactly what it looks like honey, but I can explain... LAURA Can you? Frank. Can you? FRANK Well, I, uh...no. Frank and Sharon are covered in paint. An empty canvas before them. EXT. DESERT HOME - DRIVEWAY - DAY Laura throws two suitcases in to the trunk of her Camaro. Frank behind her in a paint stained shirt. A lit cigarette in his mouth. FRANK Baby talk to me, you’re so far away. Laura glares at him. Then knocks him to the ground with a swing of a suitcase. She takes off her engagement ring, flings it at him. LAURA You’re scum, Frank. And you’re a lousy painter. Frank on the ground rubs his head. FRANK You don’t mean that, Honey. You’re just angry is all. I’m a great painter. Laura slams the overstuffed trunk. A shoe box falls out. She walks to the open driver’s side. 8. LAURA Keep the house. And everything else. She slams the door shut, peels off covering Frank in a cloud of sand and dust. He looks down at the floor...The shoebox lays open, its contents spilled out: photos, postcards, and letters. He picks them up, puts them back into the shoebox. He steps on another photo, stoops to pick it up - PHOTO A younger Laura hugs an older lady. Behind them is a log cabin gift shop. Frank’s shoe print covers the top half. INT. MAIN LAB - DAY In the middle of laughter, Harry, Wong, and Eric dressed in scientist’s lab coats spill coffee over themselves. Laura enters. Her hair uncombed, clothes rumpled, bags under her eyes. She ignores them, hoofs it to her station. Eric looks at the guys, excited. ERIC Why did the female scientist cross the road? Harry clutches his side, red cheeks from laughing too much. HARRY I don’t know, tell me, tell me. ERIC To suck my cock. They erupt into loud laughter. More coffee spills. In one motion, Laura sweeps all the pictures of Frank into the trash can. ERIC How many female scientists does it take to change a light bulb?... Two. One to change it... and one to suck my cock. They are close to dying with laughter. Laura rips Frank’s self portrait off the wall, dumps it into the trash can. She passes by the guys still laughing, pauses in front of Eric. 9. LAURA I’ve got one. Which sexual position leads to giving birth to ugly children? They all calm down. Eric shrugs. LAURA Ask your mother. She courses for the exit. ERIC What’s her problem, eh? INT. SKIN TECHS INC - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY JOHNSON sits at the far side of the table. Eric, Harry, and Wong huddle together at the head, along with Laura. Ridiculous distance separates Johnson from them. Next to him, stands Toogood twiddling his mustache. Johnson rubs his hands together. JOHNSON (Shouts across the table) Today we reach our decision for the prototype’s final design. What have you got for me? Eric, Wong, and Harry take out giant sketch pads. Toogood foots it to the head of the table and picks up the sketch pads. He foots it back to the General. JOHNSON It’s imperative that he look like an average Joe. One that can disappear into a crowd without drawing any attention. I don’t want him to stick out like Swarzenegger in a midget convention. The General takes the sketches from Toogood, fixes on his bifocals, peers at the drawings. Flipping through each of them, he notices the designs striking resemblances to WOODY ALLEN, GARY SHANDLING, and AUNT JEMIMAH with a mustache. JOHNSON No, no, no, this isn't what I asked for! We’re not spending our country’s deficit on a machine that won’t even get laid. He has to look normal and attractive to the opposite sex. Is this all you’ve got? 10. Harry and Eric stare blankly. Wong strolls confidently over to Johnson. WONG Yes sir. Laura sees him reveal the painting, Frank’s painting, the one she dumped. She stands. LAURA Hey wait, General, you can’t... HARRY (Whispers) Shush woman. ERIC It’s just a stupid painting. LAURA Sir? JOHNSON (captivated by the painting) Now then, this here looks like an average shmuck. Perfect. Exactly what I wanted. LAURA Sir? Eric throws a pencil at her. She rushes past them. They grab her. JOHNSON (Takes off his glasses) This is very good. You should have been an artist Dr. Wong. Eric and Harry pin Laura to the table. She elbows Harry, knees Eric. JOHNSON I want all of you to start immediately. What’s going on over there? They let her go, their stares cold. LAURA Sir, the man in that painting is - JOHNSON Yes? 11. The General glares at her. Harry, Wong, and Eric glare at her too. LAURA ...Is... nobody. (She slumps) JOHNSON Nobody. That’s perfect, exactly what we’re looking for. Otherwise, we’d have to kill somebody. Harry and Eric pat her shoulder, beaming ear to ear. Laura grimaces. INT. OPERATION ROOM - DAY A colossal yellow liquid-filled, glass cylinder dominates the room. Harry, Eric, and Wong stand before a large computer screen. SCREEN The name ‘Prototype Woodford’ flashes. Da Vinci’s The Renaissance Man rotates in full 3-D except that its features and physique have been replaced with Frank’s from the oil painting. OPERATION ROOM The glass cylinder empties of the yellow liquid. As the water level decreases, a full grown naked man - prototype WOODFORD - is left within. Eyes closed, inanimate. The top of the cylinder slides open, and a robotic arm slices the top of Woodford’s head open. Behind a glass partition, Laura flinches, operates a joystick. She watches in awe as a brain quivers and glows as it lowers on another robotic arm into the head. The word ‘INTEL’ glows through the brain’s thin tissue. Laura guides the robotic arm, biting her lip, as the top of Woodford’s head is replaced. She presses the joystick’s fire button. A laser beam seals the head shut. A spray of mist makes the scar disappear. Laura perspires and sighs a breath of relief. Harry, Eric, and Wong stare expectantly at Woodford. 12. Laura narrows her eyes, clenches her jaw muscle, and pulls down three levers. Charges of electricity shoot through and around the glass cylinder. Waves upon waves of energy. Woodford convulses. His body bounces like rubber within the cylinder. The ceiling becomes a spider web of electricity. Overhead fluorescent and work lights explode. Chaos! The power goes. Darkness. The electric crackle dies. All is quiet. Emergency backup lights turn on. Harry, Eric, and Wong hold each other tight on the floor, trembling, papers strewn everywhere. Laura raises her head up and peeks at Woodford. Woodford’s eyes open. The theme tune from INTEL plays. He looks around, the lights hurt his sensitive eyes. He screams. Harry, Eric, and Wong scream too. INT. LAB - DAY Woodford feebly grabs two handrails, his limbs move like Jello. Six feet away stands Laura at the opposite side. LAURA You can do it. Come to me. Woodford takes a baby step forward, takes another, then another. He giggles and gurgles like a baby, lets go of the handrails, and collapses. He lays twisted on the floor. WOODFORD Pain. INT. EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY Woodford sits with a bib in an adult baby chair. Laura spoon feeds him baby food. He dribbles. She wipes his mouth. He accidentally knocks the baby food on the floor, and smiles apologetically. INT. LAB - DAY An orange, blue flame flickers. Laura holds a Zippo lighter. Woodford gawks at the bright light. He reaches out, touches it. And yelps, retracts his hand. He stares at Laura suspiciously. 13. INT. EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY Blindfolded, Woodford, sits on the edge of the examining chair. Laura holds up a sack. Woodford, his limbs more skilled more athletic, dips his hand into the sack. He pulls out a banana, feels it. WOODFORD Banana. LAURA Very good. Woodford peels the banana and devours it. He dips into the sack, pulls out a cucumber, feels it. WOODFORD (mouth Full) Cucumber. He crams a mouthful, dips into the sack once more. Laura beams with pride as he pulls out a giant salami, touches it. WOODFORD Suspicious sausage. He sniffs it and nibbles. Laura laughs. She pulls out the Zippo lighter and flicks it on. WOODFORD Fire. Dangerous. He curls his fingers around Laura’s, lifts his blindfold, and stares at the burning intensity, fascinated. INT. LAB - NIGHT Test tubes bubble. A bed table lamp lights up a dumb smile on Woodford’s face as he lies on his bed in elephant stamped pyjamas. Laura sits on the edge with a poetry book. In b.g. Harry, Eric, and Wong toss inflated condoms between each other. LAURA Nought loves another as itself. Nor venerates another so. Nor is it possible to though. A greater than itself to know... 14. INT. EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY Woodford sits on the edge of the operating table. A series of wires and suction caps on his chest connect him to a machine. Laura bends over, knocks his knee with a gavel, tests his reflexes. His leg responds. Woodford looks down at his chest. WOODFORD Laura? LAURA Yes Woodford? WOODFORD Why do you have two great mounds, and I do not? LAURA What do you mean? Woodford pokes his chest. LAURA Oh. They’re called breasts. Most women have them. You are a man. WOODFORD Can I feel them? He reaches out to grab them. LAURA No, you mustn’t do that. It’s disrespectful to women, to... touch their breasts... Woodford sulks. LAURA Unless you have their permission. Woodford beams like a child. WOODFORD Do I have your permission? LAURA No, it’s not that easy. You must pay women many compliments before you can feel their breasts. 15. Laura places a stethoscope on his chest, listens. WOODFORD What is...Compliments? LAURA Compliments is something dear and sweet you say to another to make them feel important. WOODFORD You are important Laura. I very much enjoy your presence. LAURA Well done. See? Those are compliments. WOODFORD They are? Laura nods her head, blushes. WOODFORD May I feel your breasts then? LAURA Oh Woodford. You are so silly. (She laughs) EXT. SKIN TECHS INC. - DAY Clouds sweep briskly across the skies, their swarthy texture darkens the vast blue void over the desert. The sky lightens with a flash, and a bolt of lightning shoots up, spreading into a network of crackling light. The clouds burst into a downpour of rain, like a piñata struck by a stick. MAIN LAB Woodford sits on his bed. His head cocked to one side listening, his mind somewhere else. Laura on the edge, closes a book of art, leans towards him. LAURA What are you thinking? WOODFORD Nothing...Just listening. I hear a tremendous rumble and pattering. Far away, beyond the cement barriers. 16. Laura ponders this, grabs his hand, and hoists him off the bed. LOBBY SKINNY GUARD sits in his chair gazing at the rain streaking across the glass entrance. Laura strides with Woodford, dressed in a lab coat, bespectacled, looking like a scientist. Laura nods to the guard, and then walks out the front door with Woodford. PARKING LOT Woodford happy, rain streams down his cheeks. He tastes the rain on his tongue. He laughs, holds Laura’s hands. Laura smiles at how happy Woodford is. Skin visible through sopping clothes, Woodford pulls her close to him, listens to the rain. WOODFORD The world is so beautiful, even more so with you in it, Laura. He delicately clears soaking clumps of hair from her face. She looks up at him, the rain veins down her cheeks as if she cries. INT. JOHNSON’S OFFICE - DAY Johnson sits on his desk, peels a tangerine. Toogood stands beside him, receives the peel. Laura sits below Johnson’s eye line. LAURA I can’t give him a proper education locked up in a lab. He needs a real world experience. JOHNSON Yes, but what you did was sneaky... Any decisions regarding outside endeavors will be ran through me. Understand? (She nods) Dismissed. Laura squirms out of the chair, exits. JOHNSON (off Laura exiting) Keep an eye on that one. 17. INT. PROJECTION BOOTH - DAY Stereo equipment, DVD players and VCR’s fill the room. Toogood enters, sets a cardboard box next to Laura. She opens it. TOOGOOD These are the instructional DVD’s. Laura pulls out some of the DVD’s, leafs through the titles: HOT-WIRE ANY CAR, HAND TO HAND COMBAT, PRESSURE POINTS OF DEATH, KILLING FOR YOUR COUNTRY. TOOGOOD The General expects the prototype to go through all of this material by tomorrow. AUDIO-VISUAL ROOM In the gloomy atmosphere, Woodford sits silent in front of a large screen, around his head are strapped what look like brown, leather horse blinkers. PROJECTION BOOTH Laura views the DVD titled, “KILLING FOR YOUR COUNTRY.” She loads it into the deck. HEAVY METAL MUSIC plays. SCREEN Military Man demonstrates uppercut on Terrorist. Terrorist falls to the ground. Military Man kicks his skull in. AUDIO - VISUAL ROOM Woodford flinches. In b.g. Toogood and Laura observe him. PROJECTION BOOTH Laura jitters with unease. Toogood smiles smugly then leaves the room. Laura ejects the DVD. She discards it into the box, pushes it aside. She looks through the portal, sees Woodford alone. 18. SCREEN Channels change. Images flash. Channel stops on a nature channel. Images of trees, water, lakes. SWEET BACKGROUND MUSIC plays. AUDIO - VISUAL ROOM A dumb smile spreads on Woodford’s face, as he relaxes in his chair. SCREEN Three bald baby birds chirp in a nest. Mother Bird lands and regurgitates a worm into baby bird’s mouth. It gobbles it up. AUDIO - VISUAL ROOM Woodford watches, wide-eyed, delighted. PROJECTION BOOTH Laura loads another DVD. SCREEN Hollywood Musical: GENE KELLEY SINGS, tap dances in a village with red rooftops. AUDIO - VISUAL ROOM Woodford loves this. Laura emerges from the projection booth behind, smiles, places a hand on Woodford’s shoulder. He looks up. Laura takes the horse blinkers off his head. SCREEN Final scene from NOTTING HILL. Julia Roberts kisses Hugh Grant. AUDIO - VISUAL ROOM A tear swells up on Woodford. It rolls down his cheek. He holds a bag of popcorn and munches with his mouth open. 19. Next to him sits Laura. She grabs his arm, nestles her face on his shoulder. She cries too. INT. OPERATION ROOM - DAY Laura and Woodford sit on the operating table. A huge mirror behind them overlooks the room. She flips over pages of Rene Magritte paintings from a book. OBSERVATION ROOM - INTERCUT Johnson observes through the one-way mirror. Beside him, sits Wong, earphones on his head. JOHNSON What is she doing? WONG Today, General, sir, she teach him culture and social skills. Yesterday she teach him all combat skills, firearm assembly and firing skills in the audiovisual room. INSTRUCTION ROOM - INTERCUT Laura holds up a picture of a Rene Magritte painting. LAURA Note the differences of color, shading, texture, and brightness distinguishing objects from their environment. Woodford observes the painting. WOODFORD Yes, the extraordinary juxtaposition of ordinary objects give new meaning to familiar things. It’s magic, Laura. OBSERVATION ROOM - INTERCUT Johnson grunts, takes off the headphones. JOHNSON Yes, well, that’s all sissy stuff. We will see how he does in the field. 20. INSTRUCTION ROOM - INTERCUT Laura opens another book. A wonderful rainbow arches over a cottage reflected in a lake. Woodford touches it. WOODFORD What is at the end of a rainbow? LAURA A pot of gold... I really don’t know. No one has reached the end. But we think it's there so we keep trying. WOODFORD You are my pot of gold, Laura. Woodford touches her hair, shakes it loose around her shoulders. WOODFORD You look much prettier that way. Her face flushes. Metal doors open. Enter Johnson and Toogood. Laura embarrassingly ties her hair back. WOODFORD Good afternoon, General. JOHNSON Good job, well done. Respect. I like that. That will be all Laura, dismissed. Prototype Woodford will begin his physical training 0800 hours. JOHNSON (To Toogood) Escort Prototype Woodford to G block. Toogood opens the door. Outside, Eric and Harry sword fight with phallic balloon swords. Toogood leads Woodford out. He turns, the last Woodford focuses on are Laura’s eyes as the metal door shuts. INT. TENT - DAY Before a black chalk board, stand Johnson and Colonel RICHMOND, a big man with a bushy mustache. He chews a wad of tobacco. On the chalk board someone has drawn a cruel caricature of Johnson. A few uniformed soldiers sit around at a table, snickering. 21. RICHMOND Three physical tests have been designed by our best, General, to test Prototype Woodford’s hearing, vision, and combat skills. I personally handpicked ten of my best men to defeat your weapon in the first round. Johnson taps his cane on the table. JOHNSON This is America’s ultimate fighting machine, you’ll need ten thousand of your best men Colonel. RICHMOND flashes his tobacco stained teeth, spits at the dust ground. EXT. WOODS - DAY Woodford emerges from some bushes, a camouflage netted Kevlar helmet on his head, army fatigues, and black paint on his face. RICHMOND (V.O) Your mission is to locate the enemy radio post somewhere in this vicinity and destroy it. You have ten minutes. Watch out for enemy fire. Woodford jogs into the woods, carrying an assault rifle. Sun shoots through trees, hits the foot of a birch tree where Woodford drops his assault rifle on the ground, and stoops down to observe a hummingbird suck the nectar out of wild fuchsia. The hummingbird leaves, and Woodford plucks a fuchsia, gently covers it’s orange petals in a cloth, stores it in his jacket. He hears a twig snap. His head spins. A hundred yards away, he sees a figure crouch behind a tree. He cocks his head, and a distant chirping, the sound of a bird increases in intensity. He stands - A paint ball splatters on the tree beside him. The chirping becomes louder. Woodford abandons his weapon, runs into the tree line - jumps dead wood - jumps fallen branches. A paint ball explodes on his chest. He keeps running. A figure appears ahead of him. It aims a weapon. 22. Another ball of paint splatters over Woodford’s stomach. He keeps running, dodges the soldier, who continues to shoot at him. Paint balls explode all over Woodford’s back. Five soldiers chase him, firing more paint balls. Covered in paint, Woodford reaches the base of a large oak tree. He digs at the earth like a dog looking for a bone. The top of the tree disappears into mist. Woodford climbs up like he was Spiderman. Soldiers surround the base of the tree scratching their heads, confused. TREE BRANCH Mist clears to reveal a nest and a pink hairless bird that chirps. Its mouth opens wide. Woodford’s head pops out from the mist behind the nest. He regurgitates a worm and feeds it to the hungry bird. The bird gobbles it up. OAK TREE At the bottom, Johnson, Richmond, and all ten Soldiers gather around. JOHNSON What the -? It’s been 45 minutes. Where is prototype Woodford? SOLDIER He’s up that tree sir. Soldier points at the tree disappearing into the mist. JOHNSON What’s he doing up there? Soldier shrugs. INT. BUILDING - DAY Woodford in bomb squad outfit and gas mask, rushes up a flight of stairs. RICHMOND (V.O.) You have five minutes to find a bomb planted within this building, and deactivate it. Woodford pauses, scans through a wall: The wall disappears and he sees People typing and filing. 23. People’s clothes disappear. Then their skin vanishes. The room is full of skeletons and infrastructure. STAIRWAY Woodford rushes up another flight of stairs. He pauses again, scans through another wall. The wall disappears: His eyes zoom into a close up of an obvious bomb: two sticks of dynamite and a clock with two minutes left and ticking. ROOM Woodford kicks through the door. In f.g. The bomb ticks away. His ear twitches. He cocks his head, scans through another wall. The wall disappears: He sees a vending machine. The cover vanishes. He sees a coke can. The coke can vanishes. Inside is the real bomb: A stop watch displays one minute left. It counts down. Woodford dashes towards it then stops. He scans across from the Coke vending machine to a painting on the wall. His eyes zoom into a Rene Magritte painting, where a giant apple fills a room. The stop watch counts down: Three, two, one... Johnson and Richmond enter. From their point of view, it looks like Woodford’s staring at a blank wall. JOHNSON What the - ? WOODFORD Come in sir. Look at this. It’s fascinating. A serious attempt to demonstrate the multifaceted character of perceived reality. Johnson and Richmond stand on either side of Woodford squinting to see whatever he’s looking at. EXT. MILITARY PROP VILLAGE - DAY A row of prop homes border each side of a sandy road. Civilians and Soldiers walk around. Among them, in the sweltering heat, Woodford swigs water out of his canteen. 24. RICHMOND (V.O.) In this village, hiding among the civilians, are three Afghani terrorists. You must identify them and disarm them. Woodford holsters his canteen and scans through the Civilians, scans through to their underwear. The whole village walks in their undergarments. JOHNSON (V.O.) This is your last chance, Woodford. Woodford turns to see an enraged Johnson standing in nothing but bright red panties. Angry, Johnson waves his cane. Woodford watches a flock of birds fly over the prop houses. He fixates on the fake roofs of the houses. The birds land on red rooftops... MUSIC PLAYS. It gets louder and louder... SCREEN - FLASH CUT Gene Kelley tap dances and sings. Behind him are houses with red rooftops. Birds fly. Gene Kelley’s voice carries over... VILLAGE - DAY Woodford tap dances and sings in the street. He sweats. His clothes drenched yet he tap dances and sings, doing the worst impression ever of Gene Kelley. The whole village dances too, becoming a full scale Hollywood Musical. Two Arabs armed with machine guns and turbans on their heads do the can-can. Johnson in his bright red panties and Richmond in tight yellow briefs join together in a ballet. EXT. MILITARY PROP VILLAGE - BACK TO SCENE The crowd gathers around and watches Woodford tap dancing and singing like a crazy man. Johnson grips his cane, his knuckles turn white and he snaps the cane in two. INT. SKIN TECHS INC - OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY Woodford sits on the end of the examining bed. He places the bright orange fuchsia in Laura’s breast pocket. WOODFORD When I saw it, I thought of you. 25. She smiles, flashes an eye light in his eye. A distant voice increases in volume. Woodford stares at the mirror in front of him, focuses his x-ray vision. The mirror disappears: Eric, Harry, and Johnson stand in their underwear arguing with each other. Then their clothes disappear. JOHNSON Billions of dollars wasted! For a tap dancing pansy? If word gets out, this project is a failure, this unit is finished. HARRY Sir, I assure you. This is just some temporary glitch. We can fix it - ERIC Hey, ok eh! All we need to do is erase his memory banks and create them again from scratch. In short, he’ll be terminated. Woodford jumps up, his x-ray vision shifts towards Laura. WOODFORD Terminate, cease to exist, meet my maker, knock off...death. LAURA What’s wrong? WOODFORD They are going to terminate me. I can hear them. Laura grasps his hand. LAURA (Off mirror to Woodford) Are you sure? WOODFORD Please Laura. Take me away. I don’t want to die, I want to live. LAURA I can’t, they will hunt us down. We will always be running. 26. WOODFORD I-I’ve fallen in love with you. You have taught me about life, about beauty, about companionship. Without you, I am but an empty canvas. Please... Stunned, Laura grasps his hand. Metallic door opens. Enter Johnson and his entourage. PROJECTION BOOTH - DAY Harry, Eric, and Johnson, stand among the stereos and electronics. Johnson raises his eyebrows at Harry. JOHNSON Where did it all go wrong? Johnson looks around, walks over to the box of military DVD’s, picks one out titled: ‘Military Intelligence ’ and scoffs. He opens it. Inside is a GENE KELLEY DVD. He glares at it. Harry takes it from him and loads it in the DVD player. Johnson rapidly opens the covers of more DVD’s - NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC - THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY - THE SOUND OF MUSIC - TITANIC His neck muscles clench. He looks at the projection screen. SCREEN Gene Kelley dances in a village of red rooftops. Birds fly. PROJECTION BOOTH Johnson picks up the box of DVD’s, throws them to the floor. He kicks the box repeatedly. INT. LAB - DAY Woodford sits execution style on a chair. Harry, Wong, and Eric pull straps around him tighter. WOODFORD Laura, help me. Help! Woodford watches Laura. She stands back helpless. Johnson and Toogood watch. Woodford wriggles and strains against the bonds. 27. ERIC Eh, okay, calm down. It’s a painless procedure. You will just feel a little tickle in your temple. Laura collects her belongings on her desk, places them into a cardboard box. She wears her long, white lab coat. Harry duck tapes Woodford’s mouth. Eric holds up a futuristic looking staple gun. JOHNSON What is that? ERIC This here is a photon gun. It annihilates all neural connections in the prototype’s machine brain. We just refurbish the brain and start again. Eric points the gun at Woodford’s head. Woodford stares at the gun nervously. His lip quivers. Laura closes her eyes. LAURA Wait! Eric halts. Johnson eyeballs her. LAURA He’s my creation, my mistake. Let me do it. JOHNSON Yes. I like that idea. (To Eric) Doctor Shun? Give her the gun. Woodford screams under the duck tape. Eric gives Laura the gun. She holds it at her side. JOHNSON The next prototype will strictly be trained to be a fighting machine. Laura raises the photon gun, hesitates. Johnson, Harry, Toogood, Eric and Wong look on...Laura squeezes the trigger. An electric release emerges from the tip and wraps around Woodford’s head. A high pitched scream of agony. His head stiffens, bops, jerks. Johnson and Toogood watch, horrified at the exaggerated movements. Harry and Eric stand back... Woodford’s head hangs lifelessly. 28. ...Woodford comes back to life, squeals. Laura shoots him again with the photon. Everyone watches in shock. This time Woodford is definitely gone. Eric prods the body and flinches, expecting it to move, but it doesn’t. Harry releases the binds around Woodford. And Wong wheels over a gurney. The three throw Woodford’s body on top. They wheel him out. Laura slumps. Silence. JOHNSON That was...something. INT. OPERATION ROOM - DAY Woodford’s body lays on the gurney. A sheet draped over him. Laura enters, approaches him. She peels back the sheet, places smelling salts under his nose. Woodford bolts upright, yowls. Laura digs at the corners of the duck tape. LAURA Quiet. She rips the tape off. He yips, rubs his mouth. WOODFORD I thought you killed me. Laura reaches into her lab coat, pulls out of her pocket - two identical photon guns. LAURA I switched them. This one was just a stun gun, you big baby. Woodford throws his arms around her, hugs her tightly. HALLWAY Doors on each side. Wheels squeak over the white ceramic floor, as Laura pushes a sheet covered cart down the aisle. Woodford pokes his head from beneath. WOODFORD Quickly, they are coming! He hides again. Laura glides across the tiled floor, disappears around the corner of the hallway as - b.g. Door opens. Johnson sticks his half cane under his arm, marches between Harry, Eric, and Wong. 29. ELEVATOR The wall serves as a screen partition. Johnson, Harry, Eric, and Wong march down the hallway on the right hand side, while on the left, Laura jabs repeatedly at the elevator button. The floor numbers decrease to minus 4. Laura bites her lip. The men are closer...Woodford pokes his head out - WOODFORD Hurry! The General and company approach the corner... Any second now and Laura’s caught. The elevator door opens. Woodford hides back in the sheets as Laura hauls the cart inside. The doors close... Johnson and company walk past. LOBBY Elevator doors open. Laura pushes the cart out towards SKINNY GUARD seated behind a counter at the glass door entrance. Beyond is the parking lot and desert. SKINNY Excuse me, where are you taking that cart? LAURA Outside. Skinny gets off his chair, approaches the cart. SKINNY I have to inspect anything leaving. He lifts the sheet... Woodford gives him an upper cut that whacks Skinny against the counter. Skinny slumps to the floor. LAURA Oh my God! Woodford gets out of the cart, kicks Skinny in the head. Woodford innocently turns to Laura. WOODFORD It just seemed natural. Laura grabs his hand. The two sprint out. 30. INT. OPERATION ROOM - INTERCUT Johnson, Harry, Eric, and Wong stare at the empty gurney, at the two photon guns. Johnson tosses the gurney and photons against the wall. INT. LAB - DAY In b.g. Light flashes. Metal grinds. Wong and Eric assemble a few contraptions. In f.g. Harry taps on a computer keyboard. Johnson stands before a large computer screen. Toogood beside him. SCREEN A digital map of Nevada. A glowing red circle navigates slowly across. LAB Harry turns to face Johnson. HARRY Are you sure you want me to do this? JOHNSON Yes. Harry presses the F-10 key. SCREEN The internal anatomy of a brain in 3-D. COMPUTER(O.S.) MC4R Virus uploaded. MC4R Virus uploaded. The brain swivels, zooms to a small area which glows. The letters ‘MC4R’ flash. HARRY (O.S.) The virus mutates a gene known as the melanocortin-4 receptor - MC4R. This gene controls the appetite function on the brain’s hunger control region. 31. SCREEN A male diagram eats through a food pyramid chart. Meat, yogurt, fish, cereals. HARRY (O.S.) The MC4R gene in Woodford, will commence producing little protein and within a few days, no protein at all. LAB Johnson looks confused. Toogood twiddles his mustache. JOHNSON So, what happens now? In English. HARRY He’ll binge eat until the gene ceases to function. In five days he’ll be dead. Unfortunately, the death triggers a destruction mechanism. So he’ll explode too. SCREEN The male diagram devours the food pyramid. Crosses appear over its eyes. It collapses then spontaneously combusts. LAB Johnson looks concerned. Behind him, Toogood picks his nose. JOHNSON Is there an antidote? HARRY If we can retrieve Woodford before death, I can reverse the gene, yes. Johnson turns, a green booger lands on his nose. Toogood flinches. The booger sticks to Johnson’s nose. JOHNSON Get me special Agents Dick Gozinia and Wayne Kerr... And get this off me, you dirty little bitch! Johnson glares down at the booger. 32. EXT. DESERT COMPLEX - PARKING LOT - DAY A black Nissan Maxima screams into the lot. The driver, Agent DICK GOZINIA emerges. An unlit cigarette dangles from his mouth. His face a mass of wrinkles from age and stress. His chest pumped out like a barrel. Don’t mess with me, his attitude says. From the passenger side, emerges Agent WAYNE KERR. A face as smooth as a baby’s ass. He’s thin and strides confidently. Time or danger has not touched his boyish features. INT. LAB - DAY Light sparks, machines whir. Harry, Wong, and Eric scuttle back and forth. Harry pauses in front of Gozinia, passes Gozinia a laptop computer, flicks the LCD screen up. Kerr standing beside him peeks at the computer. HARRY The prototype has a tracking device implanted deep in his belly button. This laptop connects you to my mainframe via satellite. It will track the prototype to a 20 meter radius. Gozinia sees a digital map of Nevada on the LCD screen. An orange blip slowly moves west. HARRY Woodford will beep when you are close. He has platinum electrodes used as cochlea replacements in his ears. The frequencies will hurt his hearing and temporarily incapacitate him. Kerr picks up a small container and opens it. A warm orange glow washes over his face. Wong shuts the container. WONG Those are specially fabricated .338 lapuas, designed for your Accuracy International Super Magnum. You target the prototype’s head. The glowing gel expels inside preserving the brain yet shutting down all other body function. Gozinia picks up another container and opens it, out pops a jack in the box, makes him yip. He looks up embarrassed. 33. ERIC Sorry, just a bit of lab humor. Gozinia shoots him a cold glare. EXT. MOTEL - NIGHT A quiet one-story structure. The neon sign flickers, buzzes on: POPPA WOODY’S MOTEL. A few cars parked outside. Among them Laura’s Camaro. It sits beside a highway that curves through an endless patch of sand that stretches into the distant red sunset. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT A Dim table lamp. Beyond...darkness. Two figures outlined. A Zippo lighter’s flint sparks. A flame ignites and spreads to the wick of a candle. A warm glow spreads out to reveal... Woodford. He explores Laura’s naked body with the light of the candle. Laura stretches on the bed, arches her back as Woodford caresses her body with his finger tips. His hand brushes her face. She smiles. He sets the candle on the bedside table. And mounts her. The bed squeaks. The headrest knocks against the wall. Laura claws Woodford’s back. Her toes stretch. Her legs squeeze around him. A bible falls off the bedside table, followed by the lamp. It shatters. INT. ADJOINING ROOM - INTERCUT OLD COUPLE sit up in bed. TV light flickers on their faces. A painting on the wall above them falls off its hook. LAURA (O.S.) Oh Woodford, Woodford. My Woody! The wall behind them thumps. They look at each other. LAURA’S ROOM - INTERCUT The head board whacks against the wall. The bed squeaks. Laura’s head bobs up and down on the pillow. She’s drenched in sweat. 34. LAURA Stop. Stop. Let me get something to drink. Woodford on top, puffing, sweaty also, stops. The bed creaking continues. The wall behind them thumps. OLD WOMEN (O.S) Oh Sherman! Ohhh! OLD MAN (O.S.) Who’s your Granddaddy!? Who’s your Granddaddy!? Woodford and Laura stare at the wall. EXT. POPPA WOODY’S MOTEL - NIGHT In the distant desolate night, a pair of light beams cut through darkness. A black Nissan Maxima approaches. INT. MOTEL ROOM - INTERCUT Laura sits on the bed’s edge, sips a coke. She passes it to Woodford who gulps it down. Then LOUD BEEPING causes Woodford to drop the coke. WOODFORD Laura! Help me! Pain. (beeping continues) LAURA Where is it coming from? Woodford looks at his belly. WOODFORD (He pats his stomach) It is inside. Stop the noise. He covers his ears. She puts pillows on top of his stomach. The volume decreases but Woodford still cries. WOODFORD Pain, pain! 35. EXT. MOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS Laura opens the door. Beeping continues. She closes the door behind her, sees Gozinia and Kerr enter the lobby. She ducks back into the room. INT. LOBBY - INTERCUT Kerr violently presses the service bell. Gozinia, a cigarette in his mouth, spins the open check-in book to face him. His fingers trace the last couple of check-ins, sees only one: Room 12. They hear BEEPING, loud, like a burglar alarm. They rush for the door at the same time, hit the screen door. LOBBY DOOR - CONTINUOUS They tear through the screen door. It rips - crashes to the floor. Gozinia trips, Kerr leaps. CAMARO Woodford covers his ears. Blood seeps through his fingers. The engine fires up, revs. Laura stamps on the clutch - shifts the gear to reverse - sees Kerr in the rear view mirror. PARKING LOT - INTERCUT Kerr aims his pistol at the back of Laura’s chair. Laura floors the accelerator - The Camaro rockets backwards, tires tear at the asphalt. KERR Say cheese. CAMARO Time slows as the bullet rips through the rear glass, zips past Laura’s head, and exits the wind screen. PARKING LOT The Camaro knocks Kerr back ten feet - screeches to a halt. The exhaust pipe stops inches from Kerr’s face. 36. The engine revs... The wheels skid...The car blasts out of there leaving Kerr coughing in a billow of dust and smoke. Gozinia approaches Kerr on the floor. His suit tattered. GOZINIA No time to take a rest. Kerr raises on his elbow and slips. He glares at Gozinia. INT. CAMARO - NIGHT Laura and Woodford head out on a desolate highway. The speedometer reads 90m/h. Beeping has stopped; Woodford massages his ear holes. LAURA We have to take that out of you. WOODFORD More pain? LAURA Yes, more - Headlights flash in the rear view mirror. Woodford BEEPS again. He covers his ears, screams. The Nissan closes in. She accelerates to 100 m/h. - glances at Woodford, covering his ears, screaming - Blood spurts through his fingers. LAURA On the back seat there’s my purse, get it. Woodford, hurting, bleeding, gets the purse. LAURA Inside, there’s a white box. Woodford pulls out a box of Tampax. He turns to her. His eyes plead. LAURA Stick them in your ears. He pulls out the long white tubes. 37. INT. NISSAN - INTERCUT Gozinia drives, puffs on a cigarette, leaves a one inch ash. Beside him Kerr moves through the moon-roof. EXT. NISSAN - CONTINUOUS Kerr, gun in hand, aims at the Camaro. He fires repeatedly towards the tires. Hits the bumper. Hits the ground. Hits the rear window. Laura zig zags. The Nissan closes in on the Camaro. Kerr loads another mag...Cocks his head to the side...Aims the weapon...The space between the cars rapidly closes... INT. CAMARO - INTERCUT Laura sees a huge stray tumbleweed roll in the headlights. And tears through it. It bounces off the window. EXT. NISSAN - INTERCUT The tumbleweed entangles Kerr. INT. CAMARO - INTERCUT Laura looks at Woodford. He whines. Strings dangle from the Tampax tubes in his ears. Beeping continues. HIGHWAY The Nissan knocks into the rear end of the Camaro. The Camaro swerves, slides, straightens. INT. NISSAN - INTERCUT Kerr tangled in tumbleweed lowers the electric passenger side window. Gozinia floors it. HIGHWAY The Nissan plows into the rear of the Camaro. 38. NISSAN - INTERCUT Air bags deploy...They pound Gozinia and Kerr into their seats. Gozinia breaks, loses control, spins. The two spin in a full circle. They topple upside down. Heads bump between air bags and seat. They scream. Metal screeches across asphalt... They come to a halt. Motor ticks. GOZINIA Okay? KERR Yeah, you? Kerr struggles against the de-inflating air bag, accidentally fires his gun - both air bags explode. EXT. HIGHWAY - INTERCUT The sun emerges over the horizon. In b.g. Kerr and Gozinia’s car lies in the middle of the road. In f.g. Laura’s Camaro speeds away. INT. CAMARO - INTERCUT Laura releases her breath. Steadies the Camaro, looks over at Woodford. The Tampax and strings dangle from his ears. LAURA You can take them off now. He removes them. Up ahead, in the morning haze, Laura sees a small gas station and junk yard. She assesses Woodford. LAURA Do you remember everything I showed you? EXT. GAS STATION - MORNING Woodford elbows a car window - reaches under the dashboard - joins two red cables. The engine starts. Dogs bark in b.g. Laura and Woodford ride out of the station in a corroded, beat-up, Ford F-150 pickup truck. 39. PICK-UP TRUCK Laura and Woodford sit on ripped upholstery. She grips the yellow fluff covered steering wheel. They hear a kitten’s meow. Woodford reaches behind him, pulls out a small cardboard box. Inside is the cutest, tinniest kitten laying in cockroach infested filth. It meows again. Woodford scoops it out with one hand. LAURA Awwww, it’s so cute. EXT. RENT A WRECK - DAY Gozinia and Kerr stroll through a line of cars, parked parallel. (Note: Their faces have red chemical burns from here on) ATTENDANT (V.O.) ...Number 13 is a luxury Cadillac Escalade used to belong to famous deceased rapper, Crack Daddy. Equipped with leather chairs, auto, a.c, a powerful stereo, and as requested, no air bags. Kerr and Gozinia stand in front of what is a very ghetto car. Like something used in drive-by’s. They get in the car. Gozinia in the driver seat, keys it. The radio thrashes out some funky hip hop beat.... BOOM, BOOM, BOOM BOOM, BOOM! The Escalade’s suspension jingles. The whole car rocks up and down. ESCALADE Gozinia and Kerr bounce up and down. Kerr stabs repeatedly the eject button on the CD player. It doesn’t work- there is no power button. He smacks it with the butt of his gun. It sparks...Light flashes...An eyeball peers through the light. MATCH CUT TO: INT. DENTIST OFFICE - DAY DENTIST shines his work light up Woodford’s belly button, pokes it with a tong. Dentist’s eyes look through a magnifying glass strapped to his head. Woodford lays on the 40. adjustable dentist chair. Laura grips his hand. Dentist tugs at the tong. DENTIST It’s coming. WOODFORD (Winces) Pain! Poop! The dentist pulls out the tong. Woodford gives Dentist an uppercut, sends him sprawling against a wall of diplomas. The diplomas fall on top of Dentist. Woodford gets up. LAURA Woodford, no! Too late - Woodford kicks Dentist in the head. Apologetic, Woodford turns to Laura. WOODFORD Pain? Dentist spits his teeth out, then faints. Laura stoops, picks up the tong - Between its metallic grasp is a small lint ball of assorted colors. She picks at the cotton... A marble sized neon red chip glows. EXT. PIER - DAY Laura and Woodford stand arm in arm. Behind them, a line of fishermen cast their reels. Laura thrusts the glowing chip in Woodford’s hand. LAURA This is your key to freedom, Woodford. We can begin a new life together. Just the two of us. Would you like that? WOODFORD I would very much like that. LAURA It will be perfect. No more rules, No more orders. No more pain. All you have to do is throw that away. Woodford looks down at the chip. He casts it far into the water. It splashes. He turns, smiles at Laura, hugs her. 41. LAKE Through muddy waters, the glowing chip sinks towards the bottom. A cutthroat trout swims by and gulps it. PIER A fisherman excitedly reels in a catch. He unhooks the moderate sized cutthroat trout, tosses it. MATCH CUT TO: FISH MARKET Cutthroat trout lands on pile of others. FISHMONGER yells. FISHMONGER Get your fresh fish right here! One-eyed Tom cat pounces on the cutthroat trout, swipes the fish in its mouth, and courses for the alleyway. Fishmonger dashes after it. FISHMONGER Popeye! Get back here, you little bastard. ALLEY Popeye the cat chokes next to the half eaten fish. A large dog catcher net swipes Popeye the cat... EXT. TOWN - DAY Ominous clouds loom above a busy town in rush hour traffic. Gozinia and Kerr in the Escalade swerve, cutting through traffic, leaving behind angry hooting drivers. ESCALADE Gozinia beeps the horn. Kerr watches the open laptop on his lap. SCREEN A detailed map with streets and road names. A small orange dot bleeps on screen. 42. KERR (O.S.) Take a left, a left, no, a right. Over there. Your other right! Gozinia swerves, tires squeal, computer image flickers. KERR (O.S.) Left ahead, we got ‘em. BUILDING The car squeals to a halt outside...‘Hunan’s Chinese Buffet’ INT. HUNAN’S CHINESE BUFFET - DAY Loud beeping. CHINESE CHEF CURSES in his native language. Kerr and Gozinia push through crowd of Asian Onlookers. Gozinia and Kerr stare at each other, then pull their guns. EXT. HILLS - PICK UP - DAY Trees and vegetation decorate the terrain. Laura, Woodford, and the kitten travel on a highway between steep hills. Laura switches the radio on, tunes the dialer. Music plays. Woodford toys with the kitten. He dangles his hair into the kitten’s face. It paws at it. The radio signal fuzzes each time Woodford bends forward. Laura observes. LAURA Woodford? - Bend over again, close to the radio. He does so. The radio signal fuzzes. LAURA Huh. They cross a sparkling lake. A flock of gulls migrate to their love nests swooping over the pickup truck. PICKUP TRUCK Bird shit splatters against the window. Windscreen wipers smear the crap. The kitten sits on the dashboard. Woodford smiles in awe, watching the gulls. Laura strokes his head. 43. EXT. TOWN - CASH MACHINE - DAY Desolate, quiet. Sand drifts through the town in the afternoon haze. Laura swipes her card. Enters her pin. SCREEN A loud beep. Account Frozen. Contact your local branch. CASH MACHINE Woodford approaches Laura, peers over her shoulder at the machine. SCREEN The image flickers, fuzzes. mechanics whir, click into place. CASH MACHINE The machine spits out bank notes. Woodford steps back. The machine stops, returns to normal. Laura, amazed, sticks the cash into her purse. LAURA Come here, give me a big kiss. Woodford leans over, kisses her. The machine shoots out cash again. Laura collects the notes, fills her purse to the brim. EXT. VALLEY - SUNSET Silhouetted against a sun-setting panorama of snow capped peaks, hills, overlapping mountain ranges, Laura and Woodford hold hands next to the splattered pickup. EXT. WRIGHTWOOD VILLAGE - NIGHT One convenience store with gas pumps, a few shops, and a couple of bars. In the silvery moonlight, mountings enclose the village, as Laura, Woodford, and the kitten drive up the town square hill in the pickup. 44. EXT. YANKEE PEDDLER STORE - NIGHT The pickup parks in front of a log cabin store. A ‘Closed’ sign shows in the window. PICKUP TRUCK Laura pushes Woodford down onto the seats, drapes a checkered blanket over him and the kitten. LAURA Stay here. The kitten meows. STORE ENTRANCE Laura raps on the front door. The door opens. ANN, a timeworn gentle face with cataracts, and an outdated dark outfit peeks through the crack. ANN We’re closed. LAURA Ann? It’s me, Laura. ANN Laura? The door swings open. They embrace. INT. YANKEE PEDDLER STORE - NIGHT Laura and Ann sit in a store filled with ceramic dolls, knickknacks, and embroidered cushions. They sit on big decorative bean bags and sip tea. ANN How long do you need it? LAURA A couple of days. ANN The keys are in the same place. I haven’t rented out this year. Woodworm has gotten worse. They eat straight through the pesticides - 45. LAURA I also need your car. ANN Something wrong Laura? LAURA Nothing’s wrong. Laura’s eyes widen. She sees Woodford outside. He gapes through the window, holds up a skunk. The skunk maddened, claws at him. Ann follows Laura’s line of sight - LAURA I left my job. Ann turns to face Laura. In the window, the skunk swings its tail at Woodford. He covers his eyes. The skunk hangs on his arm. Woodford falls out of view. Ann follows Laura’s eye line, sees nothing. LAURA I’m just taking a vacation. Woodford jumps up into view again. He flings his arm. The skunk won’t let go. LAURA Can I borrow some of your cleaning products? Some food too? ANN Sure. Ann turns to the window. Nothing. EXT. WRIGHTWOOD VILLAGE - CABIN - NIGHT Laura, holding the kitten in one hand, searches the cracks beneath a window ledge. She finds a key. Woodford approaches, carrying shopping bags. His shirt torn up in pieces. LAURA Don’t come any closer. You stink! We have to scrub you down with peroxide and baking soda. Woodford smells himself. His eyes tear. 46. INT. CABIN - NIGHT Enter Laura carrying the kitten, and Woodford. She buries her nose in her blouse. In the darkness, Laura searches blindly along the wall for the light switch. Woodford takes one step in. The floor decays under him. Wood snaps... He lands with a thump below. Laura finds the light switch. She flicks it on. Beetles fly at the open door. She ducks. Below, she sees Woodford flat on his back in the basement. Slanted light illuminates his crumpled figure. Wood shafts, splinters, shopping bags surround him. He looks up. WOODFORD Pain. A wood beam hits him in the stomach, knocks the wind out of him. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Incandescent candles bathe the room for a warm, romantic setting. A gentle breeze blows through the window, levitates the curtains. Laura sits in bed, a sheet draped over her naked figure. She glances up as Woodford enters. His bare ass covered in scratch marks. She pulls him towards her. EXT. CABIN - NIGHT Laura spreads flat against the bedroom window as Woodford thrusts at an incredible speed from behind. Laura’s loud moan echoes through the village. INT - KITCHEN - DAY Window shades open. Dusty amber light cuts through. Sounds of cooking and popping on a stove. Laura serves Woodford eggs and bacon. He wolfs it down. Laura turns her back and he drinks an entire carton of milk. LIVING ROOM Woodford hammers wooden panels across the hole in the floor. Laura feeds the kitten milk from a baby bottle. 47. BEDROOM Woodford scrubs a very grimy window. Laura indicates a soiled area he missed. He smiles and cleans it. LIVING ROOM Woodford lifts a heavy sofa, carries it, places it down. Laura shakes her head and points to the other side of the room. Woodford joyfully obeys, picks the sofa back up. Woodford wears an apron, vacuums the living room rug. Laura reads a paper on the sofa. She looks up at Woodford. He flashes a smile. The vacuum roars. LAURA (O.S.) Oh my god, oh god. The kitten runs past. Laura’s legs hang over Woodford’s shoulders as he humps her. She holds the vacuum hose in her hand. It sucks on the kitten. INT. BATHROOM - DAY Woodford pees into the toilet bowl. He shakes and flushes, places the toilet seat down. Laura walks by. She rushes to him. Jumps into his arms, gives him a big kiss. LAURA I’m going to see Ann for a few hours. Will you be okay? Woodford sulks. LAURA Why don’t you clean out the basement till I get back? She pats his cheek. INT. BASEMENT - DAY Woodford covered in cobwebs, uncovers an old 19 inch television set. The kitten pounces on it. Next to the TV is a dusty old manual. He flips through it, scans the pages. 48. LIVING ROOM Woodford eyes the TV set, jabs the power button. Nothing. Woodford consults the manual. Tosses it away - whacks the TV on the side - It flashes on. The signal is fuzzy. Woodford backs off and it becomes clearer. SCREEN ‘The Jerry Springer show’ Two trailer trash women fight. LIVING ROOM Woodford pulls a recliner towards him, settles in. The kitten hops on his lap. He strokes it. SCREEN ‘Pizza Commercial’ Pepperoni, melting cheese, meatballs. LIVING ROOM Woodford licks his lips. His mouth waters. He dribbles. KITCHEN The fridge and freezer doors are wide open. Woodford crams inside, rummages. He sees something he likes, smiles. MATCH CUT TO: INT. LAB - DAY A photograph of Woodford fills the frame. JOHNSON (O.S.) Now tell me, does this man look like Prototype Woodford to you? Johnson lowers the photograph. Behind, sits nervous bespectacled Asian, bound and gagged, quivering. Gozinia, face now rouge, sucks on a cigarette. Beside him, Kerr’s face is purple. KERR You did mention that the prototype could take on the identity of any ethnic group. 49. JOHNSON Before he was built, you numbskulls! Gozinia and Kerr shrug. WORK STATION Wayne and Eric look through a huge magnifying glass on a pivot arm. Eric holds up the neon marble tracking device under the glass, inspects it. ERIC Taking this baby out must have been like giving birth. In b.g. Gagged Asian looks around nervously. Gozinia and Johnson walk over. GOZINIA Our problem now, is how do we track them down? Harry enters shaking his head. Johnson turns. HARRY No, our problem is: That, General. Is the antidote. See, the tracking device injected the virus into the blood stream. Under the magnifying glass, Eric probes the tracking device with tweezers. Out pops a syringe. HARRY The antidote that reverses the gene mutation is also inside. Eric probes the tracking device again. Out pops yet another syringe. HARRY You need to shove that back in his belly button, so that upon his capture I can remotely dispense the injection. Otherwise, its just a matter of days before he eats himself to death and spontaneously combusts... 50. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY The TV BLARES. Lights flicker in the dim room. Woodford sprawls on the La-z-boy. He stuffs a loaf of bread into his mouth. INT. YANKEE PEDDLER STORE - DAY Among woven baskets, hand-knitted quilts, and ceramic dolls, Laura stands on a ladder arranging ornaments on a shelf. Ann dressed as if in mourning, passes Laura a ceramic Santa Claus. ANN You know what Herman used to do on a Sunday - his day off? He used to look through classified adds to find another job for me to do. Ann passes Laura, three ceramic wise kings. ANN I took all the physical abuse I could from that relationship. Laura steps down from the ladder. LAURA Didn’t you ever worry about becoming an old spinster? No man to comfort you? (She winks, teases) ANN No, I have friends to take care of my needs. Let me show you something. Ann takes Laura to the back of the store, behind a velvet curtain. BACK ROOM Laura enters through curtains. It’s a sex shop. Racks of dildos, vibrators, playful pony braided anal plugs, stop Laura in her tracks. Ann picks up one of the boxes. ANN This here is a personal favorite. Kept me warm on many a cold night. 51. Laura inspects the box - an adjustable, four piston enginepowered, triple action head ass hammer. Laura shifts uncomfortably. BELL RINGS, footsteps, and three OLD WOMEN CHATTER. The velvet curtains spread and enter three Old Women like they were dressed for mass. ANN Hello ladies. EXT. CABIN - DAY SWEET OLD LADY walks past. She stops. Woodford’s laughter echoes throughout the street. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY TV BLARES. Light flickers. Woodford, shirtless, appears to have gained ten pounds. He holds a family size bag of chips. He laughs, uncontrollably. Crumbs cover his bare belly. TV SCREEN ‘South Park.’ Phillip FARTS on Terrance's head. LIVING ROOM Laughing, gurgling, Woodford spits half eaten potato chips, sprinkling the kitten. TV SCREEN ‘Simpsons.’ Homer downs an entire Duff beer and BURPS. LIVING ROOM Woodford chortles, licks a stick of butter. TV SCREEN A baseball player whacks the ball. SPORTS COMENTATOR (O.S.) It's a hit! A triple! It's a home run! He's out! He's safe by a mile! 52. LIVING ROOM Woodford jumps up victoriously, yells! Empty bags of junk food fly off his lap, so does the kitten. His belly has grown, love handles increased. Hair has grown too. TV SCREEN Images flicker. Tv Shows flash. MARRIED WITH CHILDREN, THE MAN SHOW, AMERICAN FOOTBALL. The images merge into a steady flutter at 3/3000th of a second of subliminal perceived TV shows and commercials. INT. DINER - DAY Customers pile in: mostly old people, SCRAWNY NUN and OBESE NUN in habit eat sausages. DECREPIT SHERIFF butters a bagel. Laura’s ex-fiance - Frank - sips a cup of coffee at the counter. The waitress lays a paper next to him and a plate of eggs and waffles. The early morning news shows on TV. Customers pause what they're doing and watch. Frank opens up the paper, sees the headline: ‘Fugitives On the Run. REPORTER (O.S.) Wanted for the alleged murder of a Filipino boy and acts of a non catholic nature with a catholic nun. FBI are offering a reward of $50,000 for information leading to the whereabouts of Laura Wilde and her unknown boyfriend... Mug shots of Laura and Woodford flash on the screen. Frank sees this. Then sees it again on the newspaper. Scrawny Nun and Obese Nun at their booth, eye him. Customers poke and nudge Sheriff. Frank pushes his plate away, gets up. All eyes on him. Sheriff draws his gun. SHERIFF Take it easy, sonny. Don’t make it any worse on yourself. OBESE NUN Kill him! SCRAWNY NUN Shoot the murderer! 53. Scrawny Nun throws a bagel at him. Crowd pelts him with food, and close in like a lynch mob. Frank sees no way out. He throws his plate of waffles and eggs at Sheriff. Sheriff fires his gun. Frank grabs Sheriff’s arm. Sheriff fires again. Frank bites his hand, pries the gun from his clasp. And fires two rounds in the air. FRANK Everyone get back! Crowd backs up. Nun shrieks. Frank turns, sees on the floor Obese Nun clutching her stomach. Her hand is bloody. Scrawny Nun squirms beneath her. Crowd helps Sheriff to his knees, covered in dripping eggs. Frank points the gun at Crowd and moves slowly to the exit. INT. JOHNSON’S OFFICE - DAY Watching himself in a hand mirror, JOHNSON plucks his nose hairs. Wayne Kerr bursts through the door. The General stiffens. Kerr pretends he didn’t see anything. KERR We’re back in action. Prototype Woodford was spotted a minute ago, eating eggs and waffles. He shot a nun trying to escape. JOHNSON (Grunts) A self-fulfilling prophecy? Catch them before someone else does. KERR Yes sir. Kerr does a twirl out the door. EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Frank crosses an intersection. A cop car flashes its light behind him. Frank stiffens and continues crossing to... PHONE BOOTH He beats Small Man to the booth and enters. Cop car passes behind him. Frank turns, gives his back. He jabs the buttons 1800 COLLECT, and listens. He jabs more buttons. SIRENS nearby. Small Man, angry, taps on the glass. 54. WOMAN (FILTERED) Skin Techs. Is this an emergency? FRANK Yeah sweetheart, put me through to Laura Wilde. (Typing sounds) Outside, Small Man taps on the glass. WOMAN (FILTERED) I’m sorry there is no one by that name. FRANK Wilde, with an ‘e’ on the end? She’s worked there the past year. Outside, Small Man taps on the glass. WOMAN (FILTERED) One moment please... (ELEVATOR MUSIC) Small Man taps on glass. Frank takes out Sheriff’s gun, points it at him. Small Man runs away. JOHNSON (FILTERED) Who is this? FRANK I wanna speak to Laura. JOHNSON (FILTERED) Nobody by that name exists here. Who is this? Frank hangs up. He turns, wipes his sweat-drenched brow, sees Small Man running towards flashing sirens nearby. INT. CABIN - NIGHT Enter Laura, now a bleached blond. She switches the light on and gasps. LAURA God, Woodford. Put some clothes on. Woodford lays naked in the La-z-boy. Empty food wrappers all around him. The TV glows. 55. INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY Shafts of light shoot through a window, where Frank, a band aid on his nose, peers out of the blinds. MAN (O.S.) Freeze, asshole! Put your hands up! Startled, Frank whips around, sees it’s just the TV. Other than one shabby, open brown suitcase, the room is empty. He looks like he hasn’t slept in a week. Frank rummages through the suitcase, picks up a shoebox. The name ‘Laura‘ marked on the side. He flips through letters, postcards and photos. PHOTO Laura hugs an older lady. Behind them is a log cabin gift shop. There’s a dirty shoe print covering the top. MOTEL ROOM Frank pockets this photo. He pulls a letter from an envelope. Opens it. LETTER ‘Love Betty.’ He flips it over, sees a return address, ‘ 502 N, Mariposa Ave #1 Los Angeles, CA. MOTEL ROOM Bullets fire. Frank turns to the TV. TV The criminal drops to the floor clutching his stomach. MATCH CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY The criminal sighs his last breath. Credits roll. Woodford sits in his underwear in front of the TV. He picks his belly button, removes a piece of multicolored lint. He flicks it away. The fluff falls. The kitten claws at it. He tucks a hand in his waist band. Behind, Laura emerges from the kitchen with a pizza. 56. LAURA I just don’t understand why the fridge is completely empty. Woodford grabs the entire pizza. WOODFORD I was hungry. He folds it like a taco and bites into it. Sausage drops on his shirt. Laura grimaces. LAURA Is it me? Or have you gained weight? WOODFORD Yes, I think it’s you. You’ve gained weight. Laura glares at Woodford as he bites into his pizza. LAURA Is your hair longer? She reaches over, touches his hair. The kitten eats the cheese dangling on Woodford’s shirt. LAURA Let’s go for a walk. Maybe do some shopping? WOODFORD Not now Laura, the Raiders are coming up after this. I do not want to miss it. Laura stares angrily, gets up. KITCHEN Laura flips open a panel of breakers, switches them off one at a time. WOODFORD (O.S.) Go wide! Wide! Wi - LIVING ROOM Woodford stares at the blank TV. He leans over and smacks it. Laura strides over. 57. LAURA Looks like a power failure. How about we go for that walk, huh? Buy you some clothes? Woodford sulks. INT. STORE - DAY Dressing room curtains part. Woodford emerges, Stetson hat on his head, in blue jeans and dress shirt. Laura removes the hat. Woodford replaces it and grins. Woodford enters the changing room, draws curtains shut... They open. Woodford emerges in bathing suit and Stetson hat. Sweet Old Lady observes. Laura shakes her head. Woodford enters room, draws curtains shut...He springs back out naked in just the Stetson hat. Laura jolts. Sweet Old Lady gasps, then looks down and bites her lip. COUNTER A dozen bags pile on the counter. Sweet Old Lady rings the total price, but can’t take her eyes off Woodford. SWEET OLD LADY $650. Check or Credit. LAURA Cash. Sweet Old Lady bats her eyes. Woodford in his Stetson hat, new jeans and t-shirt walks out of the store. EXT. STORE - CONTINUOUS Woodford stands in the entrance. He scans the village. Mountains on either side, stores, cafes, a bar. His vision zooms into RALPH, and BIMBERLY across the street hanging out at the bar. Ralph is in his forties, wears a fur hat and a bathrobe, and Bimberly is in her late thirties in short jeans and tank top. They both drink beers and smoke. Woodford crosses the street without looking. Enraged driver honks her horn. Laura emerges from the store, carrying all the bags. She searches for Woodford. 58. LAURA Woodford? EXT. THE YODELER BAR - INTERCUT Woodford stands before Ralph and Bimberly at a long patio table. Ralph watches a plastic ball on top of an aluminum sheet. Sunlight streams through a pocket in the sky hitting the bowl. RALPH What’s your name there, buddy? WOODFORD Woodford. Ralph stands, extends his hand. RALPH Put it there, pal. Nice to meet you. Woodford shakes his hand. Bimberly grins. BIMBERLY What’s th’ gitup? Yo some sort of cowfella? WOODFORD I detect from the inflection in your voice, you ask a question. Yet I have no idea what you said. Ralph laughs RALPH Yeah, she talks funny alright. SIDEWALK - INTERCUT Laura stops Passerby. LAURA Have you seen a man, tall, big hat? Passerby shakes her head. Laura frowns. THE YODELER BAR - INTERCUT Bimberly passes Woodford a mug of draft beer. Ralph picks his beer up, takes a hefty swig. 59. Woodford observes his every move. And imitates. Ralph burps. Woodford burps too. Ralph laughs. Bimberly swills half of her beer. She burps. A long burp that echoes across the deck. They laugh. Woodford observes the laughter. And imitates. He drains his entire mug. And belches. A mean one. One that vibrates the sides of his mouth... Silence. They burst into laughter. RALPH Look like they beat you Bimberly. Ralph opens the plastic bowl. On the lid reads ‘Solar Oven.’ He unwraps from aluminum a piece of flat meat with a tail. RALPH Nothing like the sun for cooking meat. He rips a piece off, passes it to Bimberly who in turn passes it to Woodford. Woodford eats half of it. He chews, spits out a silver ball into his hand. RALPH That’s just the airgun pellet I used to shoot it. WOODFORD What is this meat? Woodford shoves the rest of it in his mouth. RALPH Squirrel. The tail dangles from Woodford’s mouth. He sucks it in like pasta. Bimberly lights two smokes. She offers one to Woodford. He takes it, observes her closely as she puffs on it. And imitates her. Ralph gives Woodford more squirrel and beer. LAURA (O.S.) Woodford! Woodford swings around, sees her hurry towards him, carrying the bags. WOODFORD What? LAURA Come here! 60. He ambles over to the edge of the porch, beer mug in hand, cigarette burning in his lips. Laura below the porch, glares up at him. LAURA (Whispers) I don’t want you associating with anyone. Tell them goodbye. WOODFORD But I’m interacting. LAURA (Restrained) Tell them goodbye. Woodford frowns, waves goodbye. WOODFORD Nice to meet you, have to depart now. He tips his hat. EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY Trees sway in the breeze along a line of uniformed houses. A blue Toyota sits parked on the street. Another car approaches in b.g. TOYOTA BOYD SCHIDT lays back, snores, mouth open. A full day’s growth of beard on him. Black and white pencil sketches of Laura and Woodford spill over his lap. In b.g. Frank pulls into a driveway in his Pontiac Firebird. DOORWAY - INTERCUT Hanging flowers garnish each side. Frank, a bandage on his nose, peeps at the mailbox beside the door. The name reads, ‘BETTY JENNINGS’ He pockets a letter, rings the bell. The door creaks open. Betty Jennings, an old woman in her sixties, frazzled, appears at the door. She gasps. And slams the door into Frank’s face. INT. BETTY’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Frank cries, his fingers wedge into the door. They wiggle. 61. Betty forces the door against them. Frank tears through the door and Betty topples over. She convulses on the floor. Her bony fingers reach out. Frank holds his bloody nose, not looking at her. FRANK That wasn’t called for. Betty clutches her chest, struggles to breathe. Frank preoccupied with his nose, tilts his head upwards, prevents the spill of blood. Betty, spread-eagled on the floor stops breathing. Frank pauses. He kneels down and prods her body...He picks her wrist up, feels for a pulse...Nothing. His forehead breaks in sweat. He wipes his mouth. He pries her mouth open, tilts Betty’s head back, blows into her mouth. Betty’s chest rises with each of Frank’s efforts like a balloon filling with air. He squashes her chest, trying to be George Clooney on E.R. He breathes into her mouth, thumps her chest. FRANK Come on old girl, stay away from those pastures. Betty comes to life, takes a long drag of air. INT. KITCHEN - INTERCUT Behind the open fridge door, Woodford’s big bottom waggles in boxers too small for him. He rummages, binges on cheese, ham, guzzles a carton of eggnog. LAURA JENNINGS (O.S.) (Footsteps, yells) Woodford? Woodford emerges from the fridge, eggnog drips on his undershirt. His hair has grown a couple of inches, a stubble spreads on his chin. Woodford shuts the refrigerator. He’s gained another ten pounds. Enter Laura. She freezes, approaches Woodford. She examines him. He walks past her into - LIVING ROOM Laura stands in the kitchen, observes his walk. 62. LAURA Have you been eating again? WOODFORD No, just a snack. He sits down on the La-z-boy. The kitten leaps on his lap. TV drones, Woodford switches channels. TV SCREEN Lustrous models dance on A 56 inch spiraling TV. A jolly cowboy slaps the TV’s behind. PAPPY JACK Yahoo! It’s hot, hot, order now. Same day delivery. I’ll even throw in 100 channels free, HBO, Cinemax, Playboy... LIVING ROOM Laura heads for the door. At the door she pauses, turns. She watches Woodford, shakes her head on the way out. INT. BETTY’S HOUSE - INTERCUT Betty on the floor breathes heavily. Frank stoops to look at her. She whispers inaudible words. Her lips move rapidly. FRANK You okay, old girl? She massages her chest, struggling to breath still. Her cracked lips part, mouth inaudible words. FRANK Huh? Frank kneels, leans in closer, listens. She feebly grasps his shirt, pulls him towards her mouth. Her lips still move. Frank narrows his brows as he listens. She bites his ear. Frank screams. Betty’s box of teeth dangle from his ear. In pain, he prances in circles, yells - pries the teeth off. FRANK You’re sick. You sick old woman! Betty smiles at him - all gums. Then her head falls back and she lies still. 63. INT. MOTEL ROOM - INTERCUT Tangled sheets strewn over a single bed. Brown suitcase lays open, wrinkled clothes scattered over the sides. A forceful blow rocks the room’s main door in its frame. In burst Gozinia and Kerr in their black overcoats. They point their weapons to opposite corners. Gozinia approaches the suitcase. Kerr runs towards the bathroom. Gozinia tosses through the clothes on the bed, finds a gun. He opens it, sees two bullets left. He looks at the suitcase, sees a cardboard shoebox. Behind him, Kerr takes a whiz in the bathroom. Gozinia flips through letters, postcards, sees snapshots of Laura and Frank in Las Vegas, in Grand Canyon, in Niagara Falls... Kerr flushes, strides over, relieved. He peers at the photos. GOZINIA How’d they find time to go sightseeing? KERR They’re just digital backgrounds. You can get ‘em at any mall. Gozinia slides out a negative strip, peers at them under light. GOZINIA With negatives? EXT. BETTY’S HOUSE - INTERCUT An ambulance wails into Betty’s driveway. Boyd jolts out of his sleep, wipes his mouth, sees two medics in scrubs unload a gurney. He also sees a second car in the driveway - Frank’s car. He flips the photos off his lap, digs for a cell phone, speed dials... INT. MOTEL ROOM - INTERCUT Kerr and Gozinia ransack the room, toss tables, crack paintings...Phone RINGS. Kerr pauses, a chair above his head. He places the chair down, whips out his cell phone. 64. KERR Yeah?...When?... Gozinia yanks dresser draws out onto the floor. Kerr places a hand on his shoulder, calms him. KERR The Woodford has shown. INT. LIVING ROOM - INTERCUT Woodford sprawls out on the couch, phone between his legs. He thumbs some numbers. Lifts the receiver to his ear. WOMAN (FILTERED) Pappy Jack’s TV store. Woodford smiles. EXT. HOSPITAL - INTERCUT An ambulance screams towards a three story structure erect against a backdrop of distant hills and blue skies. In f.g. Boyd pulls up in his Toyota. INT. YANKEE PEDDLER STORE - DAY Outside, BURLY OLD MAN struggles with the door. Ann rushes over, flips over the closed sign. Burly Man taps on the glass. BURLY OLD MAN My wife in there? Ask her where’s my dinner? Ann draws the blinds shut. Tapping continues. Laura stands at the counter. Ann walks behind the counter, kneels down. She produces a leather bound folder, slides it to Laura. She opens it. A series of newspaper clippings. ALBUM Laura, twelve years old, poses next to a small robot on wheels made out of beer cans. ANN (O.S) That was when you won 1st place at the Santa Catalina School science fair. 65. COUNTER Laura reminisces. Her lips curl into a smile. She flips to the next newspaper clipping. ALBUM Laura, twenty years old, poses next to a sophisticated tin robot - Project ROBOSCOPE. COUNTER A concerned look, Ann stares at Laura. ANN You never did talk about that one. Never told me what happened... Laura gazes at the photo. Her smile fades. LAURA We all have our secrets. ANN Look at the last chapter. Laura flips the page. ALBUM Newspaper clipping. Laura and Woodford’s mug shot. Headline: ‘DEADLY SINNERS’ Laura, stiffens, stares at Ann. INT. HOSPITAL - RECOVERY ROOM - NIGHT Frank slides an empty metallic bedpan under a bed. Concerned, he takes a seat next to Betty asleep on the bed, connected to IV bags. BIG NURSE, white uniform, broad shoulders, huge muscle jaw, grasps a clipboard hanging from the bed. He looks at Frank. BIG NURSE (Deep Barry White Voice) She’ll be alright. 66. Nurse affectionately grips Frank’s shoulder. Frank looks at his hand. It’s huge, could easily snap his neck. BIG NURSE You’re so tense. You got too many knots. Nurse rubs his shoulder, crushes Frank’s muscles. FRANK It’s okay, really. BIG NURSE No, you listen to me. You need emergency medical assistance. Just Relax, leave everything to Charles. Nurse takes Frank’s shoulders in both hands, gives him a firm back rub. Behind them, Boyd lurks in the hallway. Nurse jolts Frank’s head to the left, bone cracks. Water trickles. INT. BATHROOM - INTERCUT Dazed, Woodford stands far from the bowl, urinates, with the seat down, his precision off. LAUGHTER, VOICES, SPORTS COMMENTATOR BLARES in the background. EXT. CABIN - PICKUP TRUCK - INTERCUT Laura pulls in. She peers up, sees a giant satellite dish on the roof. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A bar-like atmosphere. Thick smoke, CHATTING, Locals pass around beer bottles, cigars, popcorn, big bags of chips. A football game on a giant TV set commands everyone’s attention. Woodford gropes an empty mug, sits down on his recliner. Bimberly pumps beer from a keg into his mug. Ralph feeds Dorito chips to the kitten. Locals roar at the TV set. Enter Laura. She shoves through hordes of Locals, trips over a bar stool. Drunken Locals tread on her hand. Woodford tears at a piece of squirrel jerky. Laura looms in front of him. She turns the TV off. Locals BOO her. Woodford, remote in hand, turns TV on. Locals CHEER. 67. TV SCREEN Quarterback throws a pass. Football spirals through air. Wooden stool smashes TV glass. It SPARKS, BLOWS UP. LIVING ROOM Woodford, Bimberly, Ralph, and Locals cover themselves from exploding shards of glass. EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT Contained within the stone wall, an extractor whirs, sucking smoke out into the industrial streetlights. JANITOR appears out a side door, lugs a large trash bag into a dumpster. Gozinia screeches the Escalade into the lot, parks next to the dumpster. Kerr flits out the door. JANITOR Hey, you can’t park here. Gozinia, puffs his cigarette, flashes his badge. Janitor inspects through extremely thick glasses. HOSPITAL FLOOR - NIGHT Number three flashes, dings. Elevator doors open. Kerr and Gozinia step out in their dark suits, overcoats swaying, and march down the hallway. Walking Patients part to let them stride through the center. Boyd rushes up to them, points to a room. The agents storm into the room, guns out. Boyd guards the door, looks around, whistles. RECOVERY ROOM Terrorized, Frank turns in his chair, as Gozinia and Kerr bare down on him pointing their weapons. Kerr clicks open his rifle case. GOZINIA Where is she? Frank rubs his neck, stretches it. 68. FRANK Who? GOZINIA The girl, Laura. FRANK You’re looking for her too? Frank stretches his neck again, like he has a nervous tick. Gozinia steps forward, trains his gun. Kerr assembles his Accuracy Magnum rifle. GOZINIA Who’s she? On the bed? Gozinia nods towards the old woman. FRANK Laura’s Grandmother. She had a heart attack. (Frank looks at Kerr assembling the rifle) Listen, I didn’t kill anyone. The news reports. The papers. They’re all lies. GOZINIA But you shot a nun didn’t you? And Agent Kerr here happens to be Catholic. Kerr clicks together the last piece of the rifle. And aims it at Frank. He slips in the mag. Frank sinks to the ground against the bed, wide-eyed. The door opens, enter Big Nurse, a clipboard in his hands. Boyd follows behind. BOYD SCHIDT Sorry boss, he was too big - Gozinia turns, Big Nurse sees the gun, drops the clipboard and SCREECHES. BIG NURSE Gun! Gun! Security! Frank reaches under the bed, searches for the metal bedpan, grasps the handle - Big Nurse makes an inside run at Gozinia. GOZINIA FBI! 69. Nurse sweeps Gozinia off his feet, knocks the wind out of his chest as he plows him to the ground, falls on top of him. Frank leaps up and WHACKS Kerr with the bedpan, urine splatters across his face, blinds Kerr. He drops his rifle, covers his eyes and yells. SHOT ricochets around the room. All cover their heads, as the bullet seems to bounce around like on a pinball machine. Gozinia’s gun slides across the floor, stops between Boyd and Frank. They both make a grab for it, accidentally head-butt each other. Boyd falls to the floor, rubs his sore head. Frank grabs the gun, scampers out the room. HALLWAY Frank sprints through oncoming Crowd. Behind him, Boyd and Gozinia stumble out. Big Nurse hangs to Gozinia’s leg. Boyd, dizzy, falls into Gozinia. GOZINIA Stop that man. He’s a fugitive! All eyes in the corridor turn to Frank, who’s reached a dead end. His back against a window. He looks out, sees below - A dumpster. He struggles with the window catch...sees Boyd pull out a gun; Big Nurse lets go of Gozinia. Frank lifts his gun. Alarmed people yell in the hallway. Frank bangs the gun against the rusted catch on the window. It gives. It opens. He jumps. DUMPSTER - CONTINUOUS Frank sails down towards the trash filled dumpster and misses it landing on the parked Escalade. CRACK! He lands on the roof. Metal bends. Screams of agony as Frank rolls off the car roof, lands on his back. An ancient, Lincoln Towncar screeches to a halt before Frank. From the car emerges Janitor in painter’s overalls. JANITOR You okay, mister? That’s some fall. Janitor looks up at the window. Gozinia shows through the open window, aims his gun, shoots. The bullets skim across the top of the car. Janitor cowers, ducks beneath the dumpster where Frank crawls for protection. 70. A bullet slices into a bag of trash above them. Frank waves his gun at Janitor. FRANK When I fire, I want you to jump into the driver’s seat. I’ll be right behind you. Janitor nods his head. Frank fires aimlessly over the top of the dumpster. Shots impale the wall around Gozinia. WINDOW Glass shatters above Gozinia as he ducks back in. DUMPSTER Frank squats against the dumpster. His gun fires over the top. He turns, sees Janitor watching him. FRANK What’re you waiting for? Go! Janitor sprints down the street. Frank, perplexed, lifts himself up, painfully hobbles to the ticking Lincoln. LINCOLN - CONTINUOUS Frank cowers inside as bullets spike the roof of the car. He floors it - The tailpipe chugs smoke and rockets away. Directly in his path, Frank sees Janitor running in the headlights. Frank swerves to avoid him, but Janitor runs frantically in the same direction then bounces off the windscreen. Rubber burns as Frank stamps on the brake. Janitor lays across the sunroof. Frank opens it, pulls Janitor in. WINDOW Gozinia watches Boyd’s chubby little figure dash after the Lincoln. It speeds away with Janitor’s legs poking out the top, disappears around the corner. Gozinia turns. GOZINIA I need a smoke. 71. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT TV BLARES. Styrofoam cups, cigarette butts, popcorn, wrappers, surround Woodford, spread out on the La-z-boy recliner. He appears to be another ten pounds heavier. Inside the smashed big screen TV is the old nineteen inch TV. Laura switches TV off. Woodford glares at her. He munches on Dorito chips. Laura swipes the bag from him. LAURA No more Tv. No more empty calories. Your body is storing fat at an accelerated rate. You’re turning into a fat pig. Woodford wheezes out of the La-z-boy recliner. WOODFORD You’re turning into my mother. LAURA You don’t have a mother. WOODFORD Let’s keep it that way. He swipes the chips from her, knocks the TV back on. Laura stares at him. He ignores her, stretches on the recliner. Incensed, she walks away. Woodford tucks his hand down his pants, scratches his balls. He contemplates the feeling. WOODFORD Hmmm. He scratches some more. The kitten at his feet cocks its head at him. INT. BEDROOM - INTERCUT Laura sits on an unmade bed. She flips open a thick leather bound book. BOOK ‘Prototype Woodford. Operator’s Manual.’ Laura’s finger traces the chapter titles and stops on, ‘Troubleshooting’ She turns to the back of the book. 72. BEDROOM Laura hunches, reads. LAURA Visual information burned in the cortex of the brain. Effects irreversible. Stored data not re-writable. Her eyes shift. LAURA Offer alternative routines, detach from visual noise and clutter. Introduce new concepts. BOOK Her fingertip stops on, ‘Sexual performance’ and scans, LAURA (O.S.) Foods low in calories facilitate penile hardening. LIVING ROOM Enter Laura. TV blares, the La-z-boy empty. Trash and filth surround it. LAURA Woodford? She sees her purse on the table. Its contents spilled. Single notes scattered. EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT Bimberly parks a bicycle against the wall. She puffs on a cigar. Entrance bell rings as Woodford moseys out of the store, dressed in a bathrobe, a six-pack under his arm; box of donuts under the other, and an acorn colored Stetson hat on his head. BIMBERLY Hi Cowfella, I see they let you out of your cage. WOODFORD No. I escaped. 73. BIMBERLY Share my cigar, If you give me a sip of yo’ beer. They sit on a wooden bench, and share the beer and cigar. In f.g. People fill their cars up at gas pumps. The six pack lies empty on the ground. Woodford grips the last two cans of beer. Bimberly touches his hand. BIMBERLY Keep it fo’ th’ road, come on. I knows a place. Woodford puts the beers in his bathrobe pocket. Bimberly gets on her bicycle. BIMBERLY I’ll set up front. Yo' ride. WOODFORD I’ve never rode a bicycle. BIMBERLY It’s easy, set behind me. He saddles up behind her. She grabs his hands, intentionally grazes them over her breasts, as she places his hands on the handlebars. BIMBERLY Now jest walk it out to th' road. Woodford shuffles the bicycle off the pavement. Beverly lifts her legs. BIMBERLY Place yo feet in th' pedals, an' jest let th' bicycle glide down this hill. Woodford puts his feet in the pedals; the bicycle tips over, clangs. On the floor, Bimberly, wipes her hair back. BIMBERLY Let it glide, then put yo feet in th’ pedals. EXT. HILL - NIGHT Cars honk their horns and swerve as Woodford speeds recklessly down the road. Bimberly sits on the handlebars and screams. They approach the highway. 74. A big truck honks its horn, flashes its lights. Woodford turns, straightens. The truck rears behind them. BIMBERLY Turn, turn! They swerve, head towards a row of bushes, strike the raised pavement and topple off the bicycle into a hedge. MEADOW Bimberly lies flat in a pile of dead leaves. Hair covers her face. Tangled in the bushes, Woodford worms free onto the leaves. She looks at him. Leaves on his head, weeds tangled in his bathrobe. He picks up his Stetson hand, puts it on. Leaves fall out. He fishes for his beer, opens it. Beer spurts over his face, oozes down him. Bimberly laughs, maniacally. Woodford laughs too. She climbs on top of him, throws a pile of leaves in the air. She collapses in his arms...Heavy excited breathing. She kisses him, kisses his neck, opens his bathrobe, and slivers her face down to his crotch. Woodford’s mouth twitches; a smile sets in. WOODFORD I’m very much enjoying this, thank you. INT. JANITOR’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT In a small, unkept efficiency with yellowed walls and bedsheets for curtains, Frank and Janitor sit across from each other at the kitchen table. Janitor holds an ice bag against the back of his head. Frank painfully rests his foot on a chair, stretching and rubbing his neck. JANITOR I can take care of that foot there mister, you let me look at it. Frank nods, places the gun on the table, keeps his hand on it. Janitor takes Frank’s boot off, feels around his foot and ankle. Frank winces. JANITOR Yep, she busted o’ right. You got yo’self a busted ankle. FRANK Can you do anything? 75. Janitor blinks behind his cracked ashtray-thick glasses. JANITOR I can sets it straight, wrap a folded blanket twice aroun' the ankle, one unner the foot. Heal in a few weeks, you don’t put weight on it. Frank looks at Janitor’s hands. FRANK You know how to give massages? My neck’s killing me. LIVING ROOM An old record player spins a golden oldie - in the dim light, Frank lies face-down on an overstuffed sofa, grips his gun. His foot wrapped in a fluffy brown blanket. Janitor bends behind him, rubs a large battery operated massager into Frank’s neck. FRANK (Voice Vibrates) No funny stuff back there, okay. I’m armed and dangerous. INT. JACK IN THE BOX - NIGHT Kerr, Gozinia, and Boyd sit at a booth. Kerr and Gozinia hunch over the laptop. Gozinia sips coffee. Boyd shoves greasy fries in his mouth. LAPTOP SCREEN Harry’s face, tired, unshaven, flickers in a square box on the left side. To the right the letters ‘4 F X 6’ flicker. HARRY (FILTERED) (Stutters) Cali, Cali, fornia passenger car license plates ha, ha, ha have a nonzero digit, followed by 3 letters, and 3 digits. You gave me the first four, 4 f X 6. So we need the last 3 digits, digits. On the right side, a numbers formula flickers and spins. The bad signal gives Harry a Max Headroom effect. 76. HARRY (FILTERED) We have then, a 1000, a 1000 possibilities. Of which, only 56 are Lincoln cars, Lincoln cars. Here are 34 possibilities within a 40 mile radius that match the criteria, criteria. 34 Photo I.D driver’s licenses flash on right side of screen. All the drivers are black. BOOTH Kerr and Gozinia exchange confused looks. LAPTOP SCREEN Harry’s image flickers on and off. HARRY (FILTERED) I can do background checks on all 34 drivers, but as you no doubt see, I’m having trouble with the system, so I need some time, need some. BOOTH Boyd drops a french fry, nabs it, swipes Kerr’s Coffee over the laptop. It crackles, sparks, shuts down. Kerr and Gozinia glare at him. Embarrassed, Boyd looks down, at the fry. Kerr dries laptop with napkins. MANAGER approaches Gozinia. MANAGER Sir? Please, respect the posted sign. Above Gozinia is a huge sign, that reads, ‘No Smoking!’ Gozinia takes out his wallet, flashes his badge. AGENT GOZINIA Respect this. EXT. MEADOW - INTERCUT Woodford lays back on a bed of leaves, Bimberly’s head across his chest. Bimberly puffs away at a fat cigar. Woodford eats a donut. EXT. ROAD - NIGHT Woodford and Bimberly ride past a lake bathed in silver light - past trees haloed by a full moon. 77. EXT. CABIN - NIGHT Woodford and Bimberly cruise down the sidewalk on the bicycle. She rides. He sits on the handlebars. His bathrobe flutters open. INT. LIVING ROOM - INTERCUT Laura paces, stops, looks out the back window, sees a quiet street, no traffic. She hears laughter, turns, sees Woodford’s head magically float by an open window. She sprints to the window, looks out... Nothing. Laughter. She turns, sees Woodford’s head float across the window she came from... EXT. CABIN - CONTINUOUS Woodford and Bimberly ride in circles. Laura opens the front door, dashes out. LAURA Woodford! She catches the handlebars. Woodford jumps off, a box of donuts under his arm. Laura faces him, points at the cabin. LAURA Go to my room! BIMBERLY You jest an uptight bitch. You can’t even keep ur’own man. Laura grabs her hair. Bimberly grabs Laura’s. They shriek and roll on the ground, lashing at each other. Bimberly throws a handful of dirt at Laura’s eyes, blinds her - She forces Laura’s head in the mud. She eats it, screams, whips her legs around, gets Bimberly in a leg choke. Woodford sits on the porch, opens his box of donuts, fishes for a can of beer in his bathrobe pocket. Bimberly suffocates in the choke hold. Her arms become limp, her eyes glaze over. Woodford eats a donut, fascinated - Laura releases Bimberly, gets up. Bimberly rolls on her back, gasps for breath, her face red. 78. LAURA Yeah, you better not come round here no more...Slut. Laura kicks her in the stomach, turns, gets eye contact with Woodford. He’s covered in frosting, balancing an open beer in one hand, donut in the other. LAURA And you, you’re on a balanced diet. Do you see what this stuff is doing to you? Look at yourself. You’re just a fat drunk. You’re a bum. He pulls out of his bathrobe a white flower, offers it to her, his eyes asking for forgiveness. He blinks. Laura rips the flower out of his hands, tears it to shreds. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Woodford gives Laura his back. They lie in bed. Laura, puts down Woodford’s operator manual, reaches across him, turns his table light on, strokes his hair. LAURA Are you awake? (Woodford stirs) Sorry I spoke to you that way tonight. I’ve never hit anyone in my life - You made me angry. She nuzzles his shoulder, kisses his arm. LAURA We’ll be leaving soon to start our lives together. You jeopardize our future by mixing with the locals. She draws back the bedsheet. Woodford rolls on his back, stares at the ceiling. LAURA At least look at me. She kisses his chest. His eyes widen; they stare at each other. A smile spreads across his lips. He straddles a leg over her; Laura gasps as he penetrates her. He wheezes and grunts, then he’s all done in five seconds. He rolls off her, gives his back and goes to sleep. Laura, wide awake, fumes, but Woodford is out sound, and now snores; he further lets one rip. 79. INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT Owls hoot, winds howl. Crackles and pops echo. The kitten laps at an empty carton of eggs. Two more cartons and an empty tub of butter lay next to it. In a pan, a whole packet of bacon fries. Gas hisses. Woodford hunches over a stove, puffs on a cigar. He lights another stove-top. A giant whoosh, as the flame singes his bathrobe sleeve. He fries a thirty six egg omelet, tosses in an entire block of cheese. INT. BEDROOM - MORNING Tangled in bed sheets, Laura jerks, mutters in her sleep. Her hand searches the empty space beside her. Fat feet, overgrown toenails, tiptoe in the dim morning light. Sunlight enters the window, casts Woodford’s enormous shadow over Laura. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Sprawled on the La-z-boy in his briefs, Woodford wears a wifebeater undershirt with mustard stains on it. His belly swelled out at the sides. His stubble developed into a full grown beard over a double chin. He’s fifty pounds heavier. Laura vacuums the floor, covered with wrappers and cigarette butts. The kitten emerges from a family size Doritos wrapper. A beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other, Woodford lifts his legs so Laura can vacuum under them. He picks his belly button, pulls out a giant ball of lint and tosses it - it rolls across the floor. The kitten pounces on it like it was a ball of yarn. Laura emerges from the kitchen, hands Woodford a bowl of lettuce. He pokes at it, pushes it away. She forks a mouthful of greens into his mouth. He seals his lips, shakes his head. Laura squeezes his cheeks, force feeds him. He backhands the bowl of salad on top of her. Blue cheese and lettuce drips down her forehead. INT. BATHROOM - DAY Laura wipes Woodford’s misfired spray off the toilet rim. In the door-frame, Woodford observes, scratches his balls. Laura places the seat down, turns to get Woodford’s reaction. 80. A vein could pop in her forehead any minute now, as Woodford uninterested, picks his nose, flicks a booger, and leaves. Laura shakes her head and pulls the toilet cord but it’s stuck. She stretches on her toes, takes the lid off the water tank, finds a six pack of beers, candy, and a Bologna sandwich. She empties beer into the sink. INT. LIVING AREA - INTERCUT Frank and Janitor eat pancakes at the kitchen table. Janitor drenches his in syrup. FRANK I’m not a bad man. It’s all a misunderstanding. A mistaken identity. Frank puts the gun down, pulls out a photograph, slides it towards Janitor. Janitor forks a mouthful of syrupy pancake, looks at the photo. PHOTO A younger Laura hugs an old lady in front of a log-cabin gift shop. A dirt stain covers the upper corner. FRANK (O.S.) That’s my ex-fiance, Laura. Janitor eyes him, stops chewing. FRANK It’s an old photograph. She’s older now. Janitor continues chewing. FRANK If I find the old woman she’s with. Then I can find Laura and sort this mess out. Janitor mops the plate with his last bite of pancake. He feeds his mouth hole. Syrup drips onto the photo... FRANK Watch it, you silly oaf! Frank takes the photo, smears the syrup onto his shirt, looks at the photo. Janitor regards him behind his thick, cracked glasses. 81. JANITOR Sorry. Janitor shrinks as Frank stands up, snatches his glasses. PHOTO Under the dirt, a name has become visible on the log cabin store, behind Laura. Frank magnifies the name with Janitor’s glasses: ‘Yankee Peddler & Camp Store’ INT. ESCALADE - DAY Boyd sits in the back hunched under the dented roof. He prods it. Gozinia drives, smokes a cigarette. Kerr listens on the phone. Boyd eats potato chips from a big bag, stuffs them in his mouth BOYD SCHIDT Boss, is this the way’s it gonna be? You gonna ignore me the rest of the job. He shoves more chips in his mouth. Looks at the laptop beside him. The chair’s covered with wrappers. Kerr’s rifle case, and a black cushioned box. BOYD SCHIDT Look, I’ll buy a new one. Bill me. Boyd opens the black box, sees the glowing red tracking device. He removes it, stares at it. The car hits a bump, he drops it, searches for it, can’t find it. BOYD SCHIDT It was an accident, happen to anyone. He searches underneath him, under the chair. BOYD SCHIDT What’d you say? EXT. ROAD - ESCALADE - DAY Murky clouds loom over distant, snow covered peaks. The Escalade halts on the road. Gozinia emerges, opens rear door, drags Boyd out. Gozinia gets back in. The Escalade abandons Boyd, whizzes up the road. BOYD SCHIDT Boss? Boss! 82. ESCALADE Kerr listens through an earpiece attached to his phone. KERR Harry, run that by me again. The owner works where? ...At the hospital?...He’s a janitor? Gozinia and Kerr stare at each other, pondering... DICK GOZINIA The janitor! WAYNE KERR The janitor! INT. BEDROOM AREA - INTERCUT Frank and Janitor huddle behind a computer. COMPUTER(O.S.) Welcome, you’ve got mail! FRANK Use Yahoo. AOL sucks. Janitor types on the computer with one finger. FRANK Type in, Yankee Peddler camp store. Janitor types. Frank clicks the mouse button. SCREEN A photo of a log cabin store. Headline: The Yankee Peddler & Camp Store, Wrightwood Village, California...’ Frank holds the photo against the monitor - An exact match. FRANK (O.S.) That’s it. Print it. EXT. WRIGHTWOOD VILLAGE- STORE - DAY Woodford ambles up to the town’s only convenience store. Strong winds sweep down into the valley, flutter Woodford’s bathrobe open exposing his big, bloated belly. His beard entwined with a combination of potato chips and salsa. In f.g. Sexy WOMAN fills her car up at a gas pump. 83. Leaves drift across the streets. He stops in front of Woman. WOODFORD Hey baby, where you goin’? My place is that way. WOMAN Come any closer, I’ll mace you. WOODFORD What baby? He steps forward. She sprays him with a can of mace attached to her key-chain. He screams, keels over. INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY Woodford enters, his eyes red. He staggers towards the cold beers section. Teenagers laugh. Woodford grabs a six-pack. More laughter. CHECKOUT Woodford stands in line, drinks a beer. He sees a row of nudie magazines on a rack. His vision zooms in to one, scans through pages. They are slightly out of focus. He squints, his eyes widen. COUNTER A pile of nudie magazines slap onto the wooden surface. Disgusted, female cashier looks up at Woodford, at his beard soaked in bear foam. She sees the entire top rack of magazines is empty. EXT. STREET - DAY Carrying his porn and beer, Woodford wanders up the main part of town. He passes Skinny Old Woman, wearing a large coat. The strong winds push her towards him. She strains against the winds and crosses the road. Woodford ogles passing Ladies, uses his X-RAY vision. Ladies’ clothes disappear but their image blurs out of focus. Woodford blinks, takes another swig of beer. The magazines fall out of his arms. He stoops to pick them up, but the strong winds scatter them down the street. 84. Porn magazines and loose pages tear off with the winds, down the street. A magazine knocks Skinny Old Woman in the back of the head. She falls. EXT. HIGHWAY 2 - CAR - INTERCUT A lovely family in their car. DAD, MOM up-front, and TWINS in the back seat. DAD I spy with my little eye something beginning with - A nude centerfold SMACKS against the window. Startled, Mom and Dad gape at the close-up picture of a big spread... DAD ...V? TWINS (Happy scream) Vagina! EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - INTERCUT A small unkept building, cars fill the entire street. Gozinia and Kerr pull up in the dented Escalade and park in front of a fire hydrant. INT. APARTMENT - DAY Gozinia and Kerr walk down the dark and grimy hallway. Flies hover over a pile of trash bags. Kerr knocks on a door. Janitor opens. JANITOR Shit, what do you want? Kerr peeks in, sniffs the air; his nose wrinkles. KERR Where is the prototype? JANITOR What? - I ain’t telling you spooks shit. Gozinia shoves a gun under his nose, forces him inside. 85. JANITOR He’s in village, call Wrightwood. Dumb dick left a photo. EXT. WRIGHTWOOD VILLAGE - CABIN - DAY Leaves scatter in the winds, and loose porn pages. Laura steps outside, her purse in hand. She searches through the purse. A couple of hundred dollar bills left. LAURA (Yells out) Woodford? She slams the door and stomps up the street. In b.g. Woodford emerges over the hill wearing his bathrobe and Stetson hat. He holds hands with Bimberly who wears a wedding dress. CABIN DOOR Woodford, a cigar in his mouth lifts Bimberly into his arms. He strains and wheezes under her weight. BIMBERLY Carry me o’er the threshold Woody! She holds bouquet of flowers, and sprinkles confetti. They enter. EXT. STREET - CABIN - INTERCUT Laura walks up steps, halts at the door, sees confetti and a flower bouquet on the floor...She opens the door. INT. LIVING ROOM - INTERCUT The door swings open to reveal Woodford watching TV, flipping through channels, and Bimberly’s head between Woodford’s legs. Laura slams the door shut. Bimberly pops her head up, spits out some hairs. Laura’s eyes bulge. LAURA You have five seconds to get out, you slut. Before I bury you in that dress. Bimberly hurriedly exits, cowers as she passes Laura. Bimberly has a milk mustache. 86. BIMBERLY See you at six Woody? WOODFORD You betcha. LAURA Out! Bimberly exits. Laura shuts the door. With a cold piercing stare, Laura walks over to Woodford. WOODFORD What? He looks down, embarassed, closes his bathrobe. INT. KITCHEN - DAY Laura stares at an open fridge, empty. The freezer full of beer and a couple of uncooked pizzas. She looks at the pile of dirty dishes on the counter, at a row of empty beer bottles and pizza boxes. The kitten bites on a pizza crust. She knocks the pile of plates on the floor, the kitten scampers, and Laura screams over... INT. LIVING ROOM - INTERCUT Woodford in his chair, turns his head. WOODFORD Oral sex isn’t cheating. INT. KITCHEN - INTERCUT Laura stares at the broken pieces of ceramic on the floor. Her gaze goes to the back of Woodford’s head in the living room. INT. LIVING ROOM - INTERCUT Woodford lounges on the La-z-boy, puffs a cigar. ‘Jerry Springer’ plays on TV. Behind Woodford, Laura approaches. LAURA Can I borrow your lighter? 87. Woodford digs in his bathrobe pocket, pulls out his Zippo, hands it over without missing a beat on TV. Laura raises a red gas canister into view. She stares at the top of his head. He’s all giggles and guffaws, roots along with the rest of the crowd on TV. WOODFORD Jerry! Jerry! - She douses him in gasoline. He chugs, gasps. She expertly flicks the Zippo on with two fingers, tosses it at him. He lights up like a Tibetan monk. WOODFORD Ahhhhh! Pain! He dances around the room on fire. Woodford’s burning image reflects in Laura’s eyes. The image fades and she looks down at the top of Woodford’s head. Snap back to reality, as he still roots at the TV set. WOODFORD ...Jerry, Jerry! Laura sighs, sets the Zippo and gas can on the table. EXT. YANKEE PEDDLER STORE - INTERCUT Frank pulls up, parks the Lincoln. He gets out with a stick, and hobbles to the entrance, his foot wrapped in the blanket. As he opens the door, Ann flips the closed sign on him and mouths the word, ‘closed.’ Frank turns the handle, swings the door open. INT. STORE - CONTINUOUS Ann looks at him carefully, gasps, and backs away. FRANK I haven’t got time for any shit. Now where’s Laura? ANN I don’t know any Laura! Get out of here before I call the police. Frank turns to the door, closes the blinds. He walks towards her. She shrieks out of control, throws ceramic dolls at him, cushions, straw hats. She panics, runs for the back room. 88. Frank, painfully hobbles after her. She heads for the velvet curtains. BACK ROOM Frank parts the curtains. Ann pelts him with sex toys, anything she can grab. She grabs a leather whip. Frank, amazed, gazes around the room. She catches him off guard, flogs his face. FRANK (Rubs his cut cheek) Ow! That was totally uncalled for! She lashes again. Frank holds up his arm; the whip wraps around it. He yanks her towards him. She screams. FRANK Shut up woman. She screams even louder. Frank backhands her across the face. She shuts up. FRANK Where’s Laura? Frank raises his hand... FRANK I won’t ask you again. Ann cowers on fallen boxes of blow-up dolls. INT. LIVING ROOM - INTERCUT Woodford sits on his La-z-boy, strokes the kitten. TV blares. In b.g. Laura busies herself in the kitchen. WOODFORD What’s for dinner? LAURA I’m fixing your favorite. Meat ball pizza with cheddar cheese. (Woodford’s mouth waters) This is the last one before you go on that diet. 89. EXT. YANKEE PEDDLER’S STORE - INTERCUT Frank hobbles into the Lincoln, starts engine. He heads up the road, over the hill. In f.g. Gozinia and Kerr arrive in the dented Escalade. INT. KITCHEN - INTERCUT Laura opens the oven, as Woodford enters the kitchen holding the kitten. Woodford looks at the trash, sees it’s full of empty beer bottles. WOODFORD What did you do that for? What am I gonna drink with my pizza. Laura opens the oven. It hisses. LAURA I made iced tea. WOODFORD I don’t want iced tea. I want beer. LAURA You can’t have any beer. I washed it down the sink. (Woodford turns, walks out) And yes, I found your stash in the toilet. That’s gone too. (Woodford stops, returns) Laura lights a match. It flickers, dies. WOODFORD Give me some money. LAURA No. WOODFORD Give me my beer money. Laura lights another match. Woodford reaches for Laura’s purse. Laura jumps up, snatches the purse, clutches it tight. The kitten jumps to the floor, watches them. LAURA You’re a waste Woodford. So much potential in you, yet you piss it all away. On what? Tell me? 90. (MORE) You’re nothing but a machine, a bum machine - You’re not even a real man - With a quick snap of his hand, he smacks her across the face flings her into the back wall. Woodford’s face turns red. Blood clots inside his veins, cause them to pump and bulge. He snarls. Laura slides down the wall. Woodford’s hand has left a red imprint on her cheek. Woodford reaches for her purse, plucks it from her grasp. He takes the cash, leaves her in the kitchen alone. She hears the front door slam shut, touches her face and winces. INT. YANKEE PEDDLER’S STORE - INTERCUT Ann lies across the boxes, caresses her bruised cheek. GOZINIA (O.S.) Hello! ... Anyone here? Ann raises herself, slips on the boxes. ANN We’re closed. Didn’t you read the sign? Enter Gozinia and Kerr through the velvet curtain. Gozinia looks around, looks at Kerr. Dumbfounded expressions on their faces. Kerr stoops, picks up a broken box, pulls out a big, black rubber dildo, the size of his arm. KERR Is this legal? Gozinia shudders, holds up the photograph with Laura and Ann. GOZINIA Where is Laura and the prototype? Ann throws a box at them, gets up, confronts them. ANN Get out. Get out of here! Gozinia and Kerr exchange a glance. Gozinia nods his head. Kerr smacks her across the face with the dildo. She spirals into the boxes. INT. LIVING ROOM - INTERCUT Laura looks through the window with the phone to her ear. 91. LAURA (CONT'D) LAURA You want the prototype. Huh? You want it. JOHNSON (FILTERED) Laura. Where are you? The prototype will die. He needs special treatment. LAURA I don’t care anymore. INT. MAIN LAB - INTERCUT An assortment of dials and displays glow behind Johnson. He switches the speaker phone button on. Wong and Eric lean over the speaker phone. JOHN WONG A Trojan horse virus was released in his system, that mutates a protein producing gene. He will eat himself to death, which in turn triggers a time bomb... ERIC SHUN Don’t be stupid, Laura. He’s going to die. The only antidote for the prototype is in the tracking device. He’s going to die. He’ll die then he’ll explode... Harry nearby taps a key on the computer center. A map of California shows up on a large screen console. HARRY Keep her on the line. We almost have her pinned. The image on the monitor zooms in to tighter areas. JOHNSON Give him up now, and I will let you go. The tracking device is the only thing that will save him. INT. LIVING ROOM - INTERCUT Laura peers up the road, through the window. LAURA I know you are tracing this call. You’ll find him here. She places the receiver upside down on the table. GENERAL JOHNSON (FILTERED) Hello? Hello? ...Get those numbskulls on the phone. HARRY BUSH (FILTERED) 10 more seconds General, and we have her. 92. Laura stares at the receiver, takes a deep breath. She picks up a set of keys, her purse, and exits the front door, leaves it ajar. INT. KITCHEN - INTERCUT Gas hisses from a wide open oven. Kitten meows, claws at the kitchen door, squeezes its little body through the door crack, wiggles through. The door now closes. Hissing continues. INT. YANKEE PEDDLER’S STORE - INTERCUT Mascara runs on Ann’s cheeks. She trembles, holds the phone against her ear. ANN Sheriff Outhouse? (She wipes a tear) It’s me... Ann at Yankee Peddlers... INT. ROAD - ESCALADE - INTERCUT Pulled over to the side of a road, Gozinia sticks his cell phone through the open window, waves it. DICK GOZINIA Go’damn primitive town. Can’t even get reception. WAYNE KERR This map makes no sense. I’m pretty sure she put north upside down. I mean north should be up hill. Gozinia snatches the map from Kerr. GOZINIA Give me that, idiot. And find me a light that works. He looks at the street sign, then at the map. GOZINIA I told you if we made that turn at Twin Lakes - EXT. CABIN - INTERCUT A gust of wind blows leaves and magazines across the yard. Frank approaches the cabin, hears a woman’s voice, finds the door ajar and walks in. 93. INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Enter Frank. He looks around, sees TV on and phone off the hook. PHONE (RECORDED MESSAGE) If you’d like to make a call...Please hang up and try again...If - Frank hangs phone up, looks at the red gas can. FRANK Laura? No answer. He walks towards the bedroom. The floor boards creak with every step as if they could give way any second. He enters the bedroom. The front door re-opens and enter Bimberly in a big fluffy coat. She closes the door behind her, checks her watch, sees it’s 6 P.M. BIMBERLY Woody? BEDROOM The open door serves as a screen partition. Frank hides behind the door and listens, as Bimberly approaches. BIMBERLY (O.S.) Are you playin’ hide and seek wit’ me? Frank waits. Bimberly enters the bedroom. He surprises her, covers her mouth with his hand. EXT. ROAD - ESCALADE - INTERCUT Kerr flips the map around again. KERR Do you follow me, I’m telling you the map is this way up. GOZINIA No, I don’t follow you. I’m not a child. 94. INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - INTERCUT Enter Woodford in his tattered bathrobe and greasy hair. He treads, sweating, to the beer section, grabbing bags of nachos on the way. THIN TEEN, FRECKLY TEEN, and PIMPLY TEEN LAUGH. Woodford opens the cooler, gets a six pack, pauses and sees teenagers. They giggle, whisper to each other, looking at him. Woodford stops at another fridge, gets some eggnog too as an afterthought. Whispers continue and intensify. COUNTER Woodford puts down the beers, nachos, and gallon of eggnog. His ear tunes in to the whispers. They become clearer... THIN TEEN Look, it’s a manatee. FRECKLY TEEN His ass is so fat, he uses blankets to wipe it. PIMPLY TEEN When he goes to the movies, he sits next to everyone. Woodford catches his reflection in the window. His body has drastically altered in such a short time. His hair grown to his shoulders. His beard all fluffy. He looks like he’s been cast-away. Behind him he sees the Teenagers. Laughter echoes in his ears. He examines himself, prods his man boobs, touches his bloated belly and double chin. LAURA (V.O.) You’re just a fat drunk - You’re a bum - Stop eating - You’re not even a real man - EXT. PIER - DAY - FLASHBACK Laura and Woodford stand arm in arm. The glorious sun shines behind them. Laura thrusts the glowing chip in Woodford’s hand. LAURA This is your key to freedom Woodford. We can begin a new life together - 95. PIMPLY TEEN (O.S.) (High pitched squeal of laughter) You could pinch an inch off his forehead. CASHIER (O.S.) $14.85. You want paper or plastic? INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - BACK TO PRESENT Woodford shudders. WOODFORD No. I don’t want anything. Maybe this... He grabs the gallon of eggnog, tosses the cash at Cashier. WOODFORD Laura. I must talk to Laura. Laura! He scuttles out the door. Teens continue their secretive taunts. INT. HIGHWAY 2 - ANN’S STATION WAGON - INTERCUT Laura reaches an intersection. She looks left, right. She signals right, pauses. Man behind her, honks his car horn. Laura does a U-Turn, heads back. LAURA God, what have I done? What have I done? She accelerates. INT. CABIN - BEDROOM - INTERCUT Frank and Bimberly sit on the unmade bed. FRANK So hold on. There’s this guy who looks like me? Who you’re involved with, but he’s fat now? But he wasn’t so fat two days ago? But- BIMBERLY Do you smell that? He sniffs the air. 96. FRANK Yeah, it smells like a fart. They get up. INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Frank and Bimberly enter. The sound of a car pulling into the driveway startles Frank. He hobbles towards the door’s peephole, sees Kerr and Gozinia and the Escalade. Its doors open. FRANK Oh shit. It’s them. The men that wanna kill me. Frank pulls the gun out of his waistband. Bimberly’s eyes widen. In b.g sirens wail. EXT. CABIN - INTERCUT Kerr and Gozinia pull their guns. The strong breeze flaps their long black over coats. Three police cars scream up the road, sirens flashing, and pull into the driveway. Kerr and Gozinia turn. Gozinia pulls his wallet out, flashes a smile at the approaching Sheriff’s car. GOZINIA Evening, Sheriff. Thanks for stopping by, but we have this under control. Sheriff Outhouse, pokes his head out the window, a rock hard serious face, looks like he’s never laughed in his life. OUTHOUSE Who are you? Outhouse gets out of his car. The deputies stake their positions behind their cars. GOZINIA Agent Dick Gozinia. FBI. Those are our fugitives in there. The kitten trots by and strokes itself against Outhouse’s leg. 97. OUTHOUSE This is our community. And it deserves the highest level of excellence from the uniquely qualified members of our department. Outhouse shoos the kitten away. Gozinia pulls out of his inside pocket, a document. Outhouse grunts, looks at it, hands it back. GOZINIA You’re pissing into the wind here. You think this bust will get you a news special? Kerr grabs his rifle case from the back seat, walks away. The kitten jumps in the Escalade, dives into the big bag of chips. OUTHOUSE (To Gozinia) In the field challenges require experienced, rational decisions that have to be made quickly without consultation. I justify my actions. Outhouse raises his megaphone, faces the cabin. OUTHOUSE You have ten seconds to come out, before I give an order to open fire. Come out now with heads on your hands. I mean... You know the drill. Gozinia shakes his head, pulls out a cigarette and pats himself for a light. He can’t find one. He buttons his jacket up against the cold winds, searches for Kerr who heads towards a tree carrying his rifle case. INT. LIVING ROOM - INTERCUT Frank peers through the door’s peephole at all the cops. FRANK You know, I really don’t have to worry anymore. We’ll just go out there and you can explain to those cops. There might be a reward. BIMBERLY I jest want to get out. It smells pretty bad in here. 98. Frank opens the front door. Bimberly stands behind him. EXT. CABIN - CONTINUOUS Cops crouch behind their open car doors. Frank appears in the door frame, the gun raised above his head. Outhouse smiles, gets eye contact with Gozinia. OUTHOUSE You see. People give me swift and unquestioned compliance when given a direct order. (Talks through Megaphone) Now, drop that weapon very slowly now. EXT. BUSHES - INTERCUT Kerr hides behind a bush, loads the mystical glowing orange bullets into the mag, shoves the mag in, and pokes the Magnum rifle through the bushes. The winds pick up, scatter leaves across his path. He aims the barrel at Frank, looks through the scope. Cross hairs appear on Frank’s forehead...Kerr’s index finger grips the trigger... KERR Say cheese - A magazine slaps against the scope. Kerr jolts and fires the single round. The ring of the shot fills the air. It travels rocket speed, a fusion of orange splitting through the night straight into...Frank’s left leg, through it and into Bimberly’s leg. DOORWAY Frank wails, fires the gun, collapses. Bimberly shrieks, pulls Frank in. He passes out. YARD A domino effect of cops open fire on the cabin into one harmonious melody of gun fire. An assortment of revolvers and 12 gauge shotguns. They reload and continue. Splinters of wood fly all over the place. 99. EXT. BUSHES - INTERCUT Kerr scorns the magazine that hit him. He grabs it, sees a blond in various lewd positions on the front cover holding a golden stake. Title: Muffy the Vampire Layer. EXT. CABIN - INTERCUT Glass smashes. The cabin door looks like swiss cheese. LIVING ROOM Bullets open new holes through the walls, where beams of light shoot through. More glass shatters over Bimberly. She cowers on the floor, protects Frank. The top half of the door flops over, as Bimberly drags the unconscious Frank across the floor, behind the La-z-boy. A bullet hits the little TV which falls in front of Bimberly. It sparks but stays on. CANNED LAUGHTER plays on TV. The red gas canister topples and spills. The gas trickles across the wooden floor. EXT. STREET - STATION WAGON - INTERCUT Laura stops at the end of the street, sees the flashing cop lights, and muzzle flashes. She pounds the top of the dashboard. EXT. YARD - INTERCUT Gozinia shakes his head. Outhouse raises the megaphone. OUTHOUSE Cease fire everyone. Cease fire. This isn’t the friggin’ 4th of July. Cops chuckle. Crowd of onlookers emerge in the street. Sheriff lowers the megaphone, turns to Gozinia OUTHOUSE The public’s confidence in the Phelan County Sheriff office has been restored. You can now have your fugitives. GOZINIA You wouldn’t have a light would you? 100. OUTHOUSE I don’t smoke. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Gozinia appears in the door frame. An unlit cigarette dangles from his lips. He swings open the remaining part of the door. It collapses. He looks ahead at the couch, sees Frank’s legs poking out from behind the La-z-boy. The blanket wrapped around his foot. Bimberly next to him. Gozinia trips on the gas cannister. More fuel trickles out, spreads across the floor. Gozinia’s focus shifts to the Zippo lighter on the table. He smiles, picks it up. Kerr walks in, steps over the gas canister. KERR Christ! You smell that? - It’s gas. GOZINIA Yeah I tripped on the darn thing. On the floor, look. Kerr looks at the gas canister. KERR No, not that gas, the other - Gozinia raises the Zippo to his cigarette. KERR Hey wait a minute. Noooo! Everything slows down. The moment stretches out as Kerr leaps towards Gozinia, his arms outstretched. Gozinia flicks the Zippo. It ignites. A blue flame grows. Kerr backhands the Zippo out of Gozinia’s hand. And collides on top of Gozinia. The two tumble on top of Bimberly and Frank. The Zippo spirals in the air, its flame flickers - It lands in a puddle of gasoline on the floor. The puddle ignites, a single stream of fire bolts across the wooden floor boards towards the kitchen... 101. YARD The cabin explodes. Pieces of it hurl towards the officers. The impact sends them reeling against their cars, crashing the glass, and denting the doors. The blast knocks the crowd of onlookers off their feet. The fridge lands on top of the Escalade. The kitten squeals, dashes out the Escalade door. STATION WAGON The blast reflects on Laura’s horrified reaction. LAURA Woodford! She weeps. EXT. YARD - INTERCUT Among the startled onlookers recovering from the blast, strides Woodford in a casual manner in his bathrobe, a gallon of eggnog in his hand. He struts among the dazed officers scrambling for their lives, as flames continue to spread. Woodford passes a burning satellite dish, scans the fire, looks through. His vision scans below the fire and below the surface. He sees four figures still moving. He zooms in, sees Gozinia, Kerr, Frank, and Bimberly covered in ashes. He takes a swig of eggnog, walks over to Outhouse, talking on the car radio. WOODFORD There’s four people alive in the basement. Outhouse shoos Woodford away. OUTHOUSE Get out of here, you drunk. Woodford walks away sad, eggnog in his beard. EXT. HILLS - ROAD - NIGHT Woodford, shoulders slumped, mooches down a long and winding road. He takes his Stetson hat off, throws it on the ground, stamps on it. Cars pass him heading into the night. 102. He pats his stomach. It rumbles. He sees a filleted piece of road kill, contemplates it, licks his lips. Headlights flash on his back. Then Laura’s pickup screeches to a halt behind him. Woodford turns, his eyes light up, a smile appears. WOODFORD Laura! He dashes towards her. She gets out of the pickup and they embrace. LAURA I’m so sorry. I did a horrible thing. I turned you in. I made the call and told them where you were. WOODFORD I’m sorry too. I was searching for the end of the rainbow, Laura, and I got lost. I’m sorry I hit you. I’ll never ever hit you again - You’re my pot of gold - I-I’ll change. I’ll go to AA meetings. I’ll lose weight, anything. I want everything to be like it was the first time. LAURA It can’t be. You’re ill. You’re dying and I can’t save you. At least this way you chose how you die. WOODFORD What? I’m... dying? They hear a meow and look down. It’s the kitten, it coughs, chokes. WOODFORD Mr. Tibbs! He must have followed me. Woodford wheezes, stoops to pick it up. The kitten gags, hurls up a hair ball into Woodford’s fat hand. It glows neon red. Laura picks at it, sees that it’s the tracking device. She holds it up, inspects it. LAURA Oh, Mr. Tibbs you sweet thing, you. Mr. Tibbs meows. The Station Wagon heads into a steep valley. The moon glistens down on their trail. 103. EXT. YARD - NIGHT Firemen hose down the last flickers of flames. They clear timber logs off of Frank and haul him out onto a gurney. Frank moans. Two firemen place the gurney next to three others containing Kerr, Gozinia, and Bimberly scorched, clothes tattered, covered in ashes. All of them moan, while Fireman opens up a first aid kit and wraps gauze around Frank’s leg. GOZINIA Any one of you miserable bastards got a light? His cigarette limp, dangles from his lips. No one answers. CHIEF FIREMAN approaches Outhouse. CHIEF FIREMAN Hey Roy, See this piece of wood? He rips it apart in his hands. CHIEF FIREMAN It’s a piece of shit. This whole house was infested with wood worm. If it didn’t blow up, it would have fallen down. OUTHOUSE Lucky for them then. We’ll be in the news for these joint efforts. Put Wrightwood Village right on the map. INT. HIGHWAY - STATION WAGON - NIGHT Laura tunes the radio. Woodford kneels forward, the signal fuzzes. He backs off, the signal becomes clearer. RADIO (O.S FILTERED) A shoot-out tonight with local officials in the small town of Wrightwood Village ended in the apprehension of fugitives Laura and an unidentified Caucasian male. Both were taken to the county hospital where they are being treated. Later tonight with more details. Laura switches the radio off. She and Woodford exchange a surprised look. 104. EXT. RURAL TOWN - DAY Sun shines down on a town square. Farmers in ponchos and sombreros stroll across the cobbled streets with their donkeys. The town is graced with subtropical trees, shrubs and colorful flowers spilling over the sidewalks. Bare foot BOY strolls to the base of a scrubbed brick two story structure. A group of men sit outside sipping beers. Boy holds a parcel under his arm. BOY Woody! Eh, Woody! Woodford pokes his head out a window on the second floor. He wears a sombrero and poncho too. He still looks the same, if anything, fatter. He places a finger on his lips. WOODFORD Silencio. Woodford throws down a rope. Boy hooks the parcel to the rope. Woodford reels it up. BATHROOM Woodford unhooks the parcel, whiffs it. He opens it, scoffs the fish tacos inside. He further takes out a big one foot joint. He sits on the toilet and lights it. LAURA (O.S.) Woodford, what are you doing? WOODFORD (Stoned Voice) Just taking a whiz, dear. Be right out. He looks around, scratches his head. BEDROOM Laura listens at the door. She wears a hand woven, colorful nightgown that clings to her figure. She hears water trickling inside the bathroom but it falls hard and consistent. She frowns, opens the door. She catches Woodford standing at the toilet pouring a glass of water into the basin. The joint in his mouth. He freezes. She sees the packet of fish tacos on the sink. And the rope hanging out the window. 105. WOODFORD I’ll change, I promise. LAURA You’re not ill any more. It’s purely psychological. I just wish you’d be more honest, don’t go sneaking around on me. I promise to ease up as long as you promise to be honest, deal? WOODFORD you’re still my pot of gold, Laura. I love you more than ever. He hugs her. WOODFORD How about I teach you some Spanish today? I’m almost fluent now. LAURA Okay. WOODFORD Repeat after me. Dame una cerveza por favor y dos kilos de tortillas. She kisses him and they embrace. An obese cat jumps on top of the sink with great difficulty. And gobbles the fish tacos. On its collar, a gold medallion shines big silver words, ‘Mr. Tibbs.’ Mr. Tibbs watches Woodford and Laura as they embrace, and cocks its head. * FADE OUT: 106.