PULLING STRINGS by Elton Sebastian 1807 N 17th Ave Apt 2 Hollywood, FL 33020 Email: eltonsebastian@yahoo.com FADE IN: BLACK Snoring, loud, annoying rhythmical puffs. INT. BEDROOM - DAY CHARLIE COLE’S eyes flutter open, see a blow-up doll’s face. It’s lips puckered up around a burned out cigarette. Snores continue. Charlie’s brow frowns. CHARLIE (O.C.) (pushes the face away) Shut up you rubber whore. Snores continue. Charlie (Late 20’s) turns in his bed, condom stuck to the side of his head. Feeling a pulsating head ache, he groans then sees the STRIPPER’S face. Bleach blonde hair, smudged mascara. She drools, snores... INT. HALLWAY (OUTSIDE APARTMENT) - INTERCUT Small feet in Nike sneakers squeak across the tiled floor to a door. Keys rattle. BEDROOM - INTERCUT Charlie peels the condom off his ear, disgusted. His hand comes down on a forearm sized dildo that reads “the ass hammer” He flinches. Perplexed, he takes in the rest of the room sees the aftermath of kinky sex - torn clothes, sex toys, twisted sheets. A red leather bra twirls around on the ceiling fan above him. HALLWAY - INTERCUT Keys clatter on tiled floor next to Nike sneaker. A hand with tiny-diamond engagement ring reaches down, picks them up. BEDROOM - INTERCUT Charlie nudges Stripper. Snores turn into puffs. He pushes her, slaps her cheeks. Nothing. Puts a pillow over her face. 2. Off-screen the front door creaks open. He whips his head to the night stand. A digital clock displays 09:30 AM, next to a framed photo of KAYLA (mid 30’s), frozen in mid stride. Hair flowing past her slender shoulders, snow skin radiating against a blackened skyline. KAYLA (O.S.) Charlie. S neakers squeak towards the bedroom door... Charlie tosses the bed covers over Stripper, sex toys, condom wrappers, rams her against the headboard with his feet until it just looks like a heap of sheets. HALLWAY (OUTSIDE BEDROOM) The sneakers stop at the door. The engagement ring hand grasps the handle. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Enter Kayla, a bright white smile that turns sour. She mouths an O of horrid surprise. KAYLA How could you? Charlie slumps guiltily, besides the heap of sheets. Kayla treads towards the blowup doll, picks it up. KAYLA I hope she was worth it, buster. (Squeezes doll’s cheeks) Was she as good as me? CHARLIE Oh, er - yeah - I mean no. I... KAYLA I’m just busting your balls, silly. (Charlie relaxes) So how was the stripper? CHARLIE Stripper? What stripper? 3. KAYLA The one from your stag party, silly. I know what crazy things you and your friends get up to on these occasions. CHARLIE Oh, er- she was alright. I guess. You know, I don’t remember much from last night. (grasps his aching head) KAYLA Poor baby. (strokes his hair) She kicks aside empty beer cans, a broken tequila bottle. KAYLA I’ll send over a maid to pick this pigsty up. Do you have to work today? (Picks up a string of anal beads from floor) What’s this? CHARLIE Yeah, just a couple of hours. Those? I dunno’. Mardi Gras necklace? KAYLA (Smiles at bra spinning on ceiling fan) You guys had way too much fun last night. (stoops to pick up pair of stilettoes) Snores from under the sheets. Charlie thumps the sheets with his elbow. Stripper groans. KAYLA What was that? Charlie shrugs. The snores return. Louder. Kayla stomps to t he bed, lifts the sheets to see the Stripper out cold. KAYLA (to charlie) You prick. 4. CHARLIE Huh, where’d she come from? KAYLA (Takes off engagement ring) Here, why don’t you have this. She thrusts the ring on passed out Stripper’s finger. CHARLIE Now come on, that wasn’t called for. Really, you’re acting like a little girl. Hear me out at least. Kayla storms out the bedroom. KAYLA (O.S.) Go back to England. Die on fish and chips you piece of shit! CHARLIE Come back here for Christ sake! Charlie tramples over empty beer cans, knocks his shin on the bed post, yowls. Then shrieks as he steps onto broken tequila bottle. A shard of glass sticks in his toe. EXT/INT. MINI COOPER - DAY Sun rays pelt down on the murderous 405 freeway. A stale mate of lined up buses, taxis. A melting pot of angry hooting drivers. Even the wailing ambulance can’t get through this disrespectful crowd. Charlie honks his horn at an Arab taxi driver squeezing in on him. Arab honks back. CHARLIE Oi! Fuck you! ARAB Jihad! CHARLIE Bloody 405. Even on a Saturday it sucks. On the passenger side sits MARCUS (mid 30’s) lanky African American, his head crammed beneath the low roof. He has a habit of spitting his words, spraying things with saliva pellets. He strums on an acoustic guitar. 5. MARCUS Appreciate the lift Charlie. Say bro, think you can loan me ten bucks, just till I get my check. You know how it is. Hey bro? CHARLIE (wipes his cheek) You still owe twenty from last week. And the ten before that - MARCUS I got my unemployment check coming next week. It’s cool. You know how it is. It’s just to get some beers. I was gonna get Guinness for you, b ro. CHARLIE There’s a twenty in the ashtray. MARCUS Cool. Cool. Me and my brothers be practicing tonight. Come over. (strums guitar strings) Charlie’s lane moves. The Arab shoots through followed by a Tattooed-face-pierced Gang-Banger in a low rider. Charlie pounds the horn, keeps it pressed. Gang Banger aims a .38 at Marcus. Charlie withdraws his hand from the horn, smiles, waves him through. MARCUS Bro, I ain’t wearing no underwear. And I just crapped my pants. EXT. WILSHIRE BLVD - DAY Charlie races alongside another Driver to get to the only vacant parking meter. The Driver beats him. Up ahead a car pulls out. Charlie reverses, guns the motor. A compact minivan screeches into the spot. Charlie wheels into a tight space, left by another driver who parked his car crooked. He exits through the passenger side, sidesteps a road blockade guarding an empty man hole cover. Slips quarters into the parking meter. Checks his watch - 11:00 PM. 6. INT. OFFICE - DAY Movie posters litter the walls. Horror titles like RAZOR FISH, JESTER, PEEPHOLE. Half nude women, creepy creatures on each. Charlie sits behind a large desk. Phone to his ear. A printer stamps out a script report. Shaking his head, Charlie staples the report to the front of a thick screenplay labeled MENOPAUSE BLUES. He Stamps PASS across the front in bold red ink. Tosses the screenplay onto a staggering pile of other rejected scripts. He picks up his cell phone, dials. Behind him WINDOW CLEANER lowers into frame. He Squirts fluid up the glass pane. INT. WHITE ROOM - DAY MOM (50’s) a time fighter with tucks, nips, estrogen enhanced l ips. Wraparound sun blocker shades on her eyes. Her knees pinned up almost to her ears. Some fancy yoga position? INTERMITTENT FLASHES of blue light cast upon her olive tanned skin. Seated on a leather couch, Kayla also wears dark sun blockers. Blue flashes reflect off her glasses as well as Mom with her legs in the air. With each blue flash, MOM yips, squirms. MOM (O.C.) It’s all for the best. What did you ever see in that cockney? He’s not even Jewish. I don’t know why you don’t marry Sydney. His movie screens tonight. We’re invited. It’s a dark Jewish drama. (She flinches) DOCTOR (O.C.) (Chuckles) Now then Mom, don’t be such a coward. Keep still. Jewish DOCTOR also wearing sun blockers, operating mask, yarmulke, stands between Mom’s legs with a laser gun, burning hairs. A young female Assistant in sun blockers sweeps the floor in the background. MOM Keep still? Have you had the hairs zapped off your behind before? 7. DOCTOR You kidding? Hurts like hell. Just thinking about it scares me. More blue flashes, yips, yells. Doctor pushes back Mom’s legs. MOM Doctor, you’ll make a porn star out of me. Doctor chuckles. Cell phone rings. Kayla reaches into handbag, looks at caller I.D KAYLA It’s Charlie’s number. MOM Let me talk to him. Assistant sweeps curly gray hairs into dustpan. OFFICE - INTERCUT Window Cleaner squeegees the glass pane in background. Charlie cups phone to his ear. CHARLIE (ON PHONE) Hi Mom. Is Kayla there? I keep getting her voice mail. MOM (FILTERED) Don’t Mom me. My daughter is through with you. She’s met a nice Jewish man. Not a dirty catholic c ockney like you. CHARLIE Already, in just a few hours? I see she takes after your loose side then... No, come on I didn’t mean it - (dead tone) Window Cleaner taps at the window. Charlie cuts his eyes at his merry face. Window cleaner slaps a screenplay against the window, titled MICROWAVE MASSACRE 2. Charlie marches to the window, opens it. Traffic blares, wind howls. Charlie grabs the script, flicks through the first two pages which consist of one big Character monologue. 8. WINDOW CLEANER I’ve washed this window ten times today waiting for you. This is the sequel to my last one. Good stuff, man. Microwaves come to life, start cooking people. Maximum Overdrive meets Chopper Chicks in Zombietown - Charlie shakes his head, stamps PASS on it, hands it back. Shuts the window. Window Cleaner spurts fluid up window, writes “ASSHOLE” with his finger. Punctuates it with a “!.” Charlie lowers the blinds. INT. HALLWAY (ELEVATOR) - DAY Charlie taps his foot on the floor. Checks his watch - 12:57 PM. Elevator doors open. As he enters, MINI SKIRT Woman rolls her hips onto elevator, chews a wad of gum. CHARLIE Going down? (Leans in to press button) MINI SKIRT No. (Swats his hand aside) Doors close. Charlie silently curses. EXT. PARKING SPOT - DAY METER MAID stands before Charlie’s Mini Cooper, taps Charlie’s license info into a hand held computer. Charlie grovels behind her. CHARLIE Come on, have some heart, lady. I was just one minute late. (She writes out ticket) I’d be here earlier if that bird didn’t press the last floor. (Meter Maid casts a cold stare at the word bird) Surely we can come to some sort of an arrangement here, eh? (He slips her a ten dollar bill. She takes it) 9. Dirty water splashes Charlie from above, sops his clothes to the skin. A large yellow sponge bounces off his head. Water trickling down his forehead, he looks up as if to blame God. WINDOW CLEANER (O.S.) (bellows) Ooops! Meter maid sun-burned, stone faced, rips the ten dollar bill i n half. Hands it back to Charlie with a parking fine. Her serious round red face transforms with a courteous smile. METER MAID Have a nice day. MATCH CUT TO: INT. GYM - DAY A red round double end punching bag gets pounded. It bounces back and forth on its elastic line. A tired, sweaty Charlie knocks it with a few sharp left hooks. Followed by quick jabs. In the background approach two guys in polyester lavender sweat suits, wearing yarmulkes. The small one, SYDNEY TEITELBAUM (late 30s) knock kneed diminutive man with an inflated ego. TEITELBAUM Stole your boss’s gym pass, putz? What else did you steal while he’s in Brazil? IRVING (30s) thick necked, bulbous nosed bodyguard grabs the punching bag with one meaty hand, halts it. TEITELBAUM Mom tells me you’ve been bothering Kayla. Mom tells me to get involved. Stop you from being a pest. (fingers Charlie’s forehead) Get it through your thick skull English man, it’s over. I was her first and always will be. (wipes sweaty finger) 10. Charlie backs away, grabs a towel off a work bench. Teitelbaum circles him, while Irving remains with punching bag. TEITELBAUM Do you really think Mom would allow her only daughter to marry a non Jew? CHARLIE I always wondered, Mr. Teteilbaum. How do you tan your bald head? Do they make clear yarmulkes? Behind Charlie, Irving stretches back punching bag as far as the elastic line permits it. CHARLIE Or do you wear a glass ashtray? TEITELBAUM (Points behind Charlie) Don’t look now, it’s opportunity. Charlie turns just in time to receive a full whack in the chin from the punch bag, dropping him to the canvas mat. MATCH CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT Disco music blares in background. Charlie face down on a lawn, flutters his eyes open. DUNCAN DONATH, aged comic book hippy geek stoops to help Charlie to his feet. CHARLIE What was I doing on the ground? DUNCAN Out cold. (re Charlie’s eye) You might wanna get some ice on that. I know it’s the wrong time to ask, but did you get a chance to read my script? CHARLIE What script? (touches his eye, winces) 11. DUNCAN Charlie, I’ve only E-mailed it you umpteen times today. CHARLIE Hey, I remember now. DUNCAN The script? CHARLIE No, what I was doing on the ground. EXT. BACK YARD (PARTY) - EARLIER Rich important film industry people gather around a sparkling pool, make wide exaggerated gestures, toss their heads back in laughter. A D.J spins disco music. Charlie nods his head to a babbling Executive. The words muted to Charlie’s ears. He looks past the executive sees at the far end Teitelbaum enter with Kayla wearing a fantastic evening dress, glitter on her skin. Kayla locks eyes with Charlie amidst the moving crowd. Charlie disappears behind a small group. She scans the crowd for him. He appears behind her with a hug. She giggles, then stiffens, pushes him away. KAYLA You blew it buster. There’s no way I’m forgiving you for this one. CHARLIE For Christ sakes, I was drunk out my skull. I don’t even remember anything. KAYLA Not good enough. If that’s your apology. CHARLIE It’s not. You’re just blowing this whole thing way out of proportion. KAYLA There was a stripper in your bed. 12. CHARLIE So? Doesn’t mean I had sex with her. KAYLA Bull shit. CHARLIE I did not have sexual relations with that woman. KAYLA I don’t find it funny. CHARLIE Come on, lighten up. Give me one of those precious smiles I adore so much, or I’m leaving you for the blow-up doll. She cracks a grin. CHARLIE There you are. Welcome back. (He fishes in his pocket) Look what I found. Try it on. He pulls out the engagement ring she discarded earlier. He takes her arm. She yanks her hand behind her back. KAYLA No. Don’t. Teitelbaum butts-in. TEITELBAUM Stop bothering her. CHARLIE (To Teitelbaum) Piss off. This is a private conversation. Teitelbaum probes a finger at Charlie’s chest. TEITELBAUM This is a private party. No riffraff allowed. Teitelbaum takes Kayla’s hand, leads her away. CHARLIE Kayla - ? Kay? 13. He tugs Teitelbaum’s jacket. Teitelbaum turns, snarls. TEITELBAUM I would be very careful where you put your grubby fingers, putz. He shoves Charlie. Charlie shoves back. Teitelbaum grasps Charlie’s lapels. The two men tug at each other’s jackets, yank at each other, collapse onto a snack table. It gives way. Watchers SHRIEK, GASP. Tangled on the ground they tear at their clothes. Grunts, Groans. KAYLA Stop it! Stop! TEITELBAUM (as they roll on ground) Your work visa expires in two days. No Kayla, no green card. No money. Your boss’s company is on its way out. You’re just a script reader. The lowest common denominator. You’re under a P.A. They roll into the pool. Splash around. Teitelbaum does a back stroke, kicks his feet at Charlie. Charlie breast strokes after him. The better swimmer, Teitelbaum hauls himself out, stands dripping at the edge. TEITELBAUM (Shouts over disco music) If you’re still in the country past Wednesday, I’ll set immigration on you. Seeing the commotion, plus a small crowd gathering around the pool, D.J Stops the music. CHARLIE (treading water) You fucking stinking Jew! Many heads turn at the party. Particularly yarmulke covered heads. All eyes, glares at Charlie. Kayla shakes her head. 14. EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT Squeaking in his wet shoes, Charlie reaches his Mini Cooper parked on a front lawn next to expensive Beamers, Chryslers, limousines. He watches Teitelbaum’s Ferrari pull out of a space up ahead, then screech by with Kayla in the passenger side. Feet scrape behind Charlie. He turns. IRVING It’s opportunity. Irving delivers a sledgehammer blow that lifts Charlie off his feet. FREEZE FRAME this splendid moment. EXT. PARKING LOT - LATER Charlie opens his car door. Duncan pesters him through the open door. DUNCAN What about my screenplay? Will you read it. Just glance at page one. It’s all I ask. From there you’ll be hooked. It’ll change your life. CHARLIE (cranks over the engine) What’s it called? Pitch it to me. DUNCAN It’s called This is your life. It’s not quite finished yet. But I was hoping you could help me with that. The script kinda writes itself. It’s about the discovery of love over selfishness. Fate. Time - Charlie shuts the door in Duncan’s face who continues talking. Reverses out the lot. Duncan stops talking, drops the act. He beams, watches Duncan’s car zoom up to the front gates. 15. INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Charlie drops his wallet, empties his pockets onto the table. The engagement ring clatters across the surface, lands on top of a PARKING FINE. His eye swollen, he flips open a laptop computer. CHIME RINGS. COMPUTER You have new mail, you bastard. Charlie clicks on the screen. Peels off his sopping clothes. Strips to his underpants. CHARLIE (re screen) Jesus. He sits. SCREEN 100 messages flash, all from Duncan. Charlie clicks on the download tab. Opens the file labeled “THIS IS YOUR LIFE” CHARLIE What the Hell? SCREEN The screenplay’s first slugline, sentence reads: INT. BEDROOM - DAY CHARLIE COLE’S eyes flutter open, see a blow-up doll’s face. Charlie scrolls down the pages, stops. It reads: Meter maid rips ten dollar bill in half. Hands it back to Charlie with parking fine. METER MAID Have a nice day. He skips ahead to another page: SYDNEY TEITELBAUM Don’t look now. It’s opportunity. 16. BACK TO SCENE Charlie warily looks around the room. CHARLIE Okay, very funny. Where’s the cameras? You can come out now guys. SCREEN He scrolls to the last page. Sees the last block of action: Charlie sits in front of the laptop, scratching his head. He surveys the room looking for a hidden camera, or someone watching. There is a KNOCK at the door. (Cursor Flashes at end of sentence) BACK TO SCENE Charlie scratches his head, desperately looking for cameras or someone in the room ready to jump out laughing. A KNOCK on the door jolts him. He stands, treads towards the door, peers through the peephole. A wrinkled OLD WOMAN’s distorted face stares back. Charlie opens the door. Old Woman’s eyes bulge at Charlie in his underpants. OLD WOMAN (blushes) He-hello Charlie, have you seen Tony Curtis today? He’s escaped again. (Avoids looking down) CHARLIE No, sorry Mrs. Kippler. I just got in. Tony Curtis (a black cat) creeps past Charlie’s bruised shin, bandaged foot, pads into the apartment. Then scoots beneath the couch. It pops its furry face out, listens to Old Woman t alking to Charlie at door. 17. Charlie closes the door. Returns to the laptop screen. To his horror, the script has written his exchange with the old woman. It further types every movement he makes. He waves his arm. SCREEN The following words type themselves: Charlie foolishly waves his arm. BACK TO SCENE CHARLIE What the fuck is going on? Wind blows through an open window, a white-tailed pigeon caught in a light fixture frees itself, flaps around the apartment. It Kamikazes straight at Charlie who swats the thing before it circles again then lands on the table. Tony Curtis exposes his fangs, shoots from under the couch. He springs onto the table, swipes at the pigeon. It takes off again. The cat cuts across the laptop’s keyboard TRIGGERS OFF A FEW LETTERED KEYS with its paws. Then springs into the air, lands in the kitchen, braking plates. The pigeon, cat continue to wreak havoc throughout the kitchen. Plaster crumbles onto Charlie’s head from above. He looks up, sees the letters “Q T I” burned into ceiling, smoldering hot. Charlie looks to the screen, sees the cursor blinking at the end of the letters “Q T I.” Incredulous, he types on the keyboard. Then looks up at the ceiling. Nothing. Until the word he just typed “WANKER” appears scorched two inches deep into the table’s surface. Smoke lingers over THE PARKING FINE. Charlie thinks. Gets an idea. Pigeon, Cat go at it in the background. Pouncing, flapping. Charlie scrolls through the screenplay. Cracks his knuckles. Then types... 18. INT. OFFICE - DAY Charlie sits at the desk. Cell phone to his ear. CHARLIE ...I see she takes after your loose side then...No, come on I didn’t mean it - (dead tone) Window Cleaner taps at the window in the background. Then as if pushed, Window Cleaner topples over the edge. Charlie cuts his eyes to the empty window. EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - INTERCUT Rope trails off the edge of scaffold high above Wilshire Blvd. Rope attached to his waist, Window Cleaner plummets. The rope w raps around his foot, twists him upside down. Like bungee jumping without the spring action, the rope yanks his body fifteen feet from the ground. He then swings like a pendulum closer to the ground, collides into Meter Maid’s back. Meter Maid propels forward, smashes through road blockade, stumbles into open manhole. Her shriek echoes. Then THUD! Window Cleaner swings back and forth helplessly on his rope. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie stares at PARKING FINE. It FADES AWAY, leaving the engagement ring that lies on top. CHARLIE Holy shit. It’s payback time. (He taps away) EXT/INT. MINI COOPER - DAY Sun rays pelt down on the murderous 405 freeway. A stale mate of lined up buses, taxis. A melting pot of angry hooting drivers. Even the wailing ambulance can’t get through this disrespectful crowd. 19. Charlie honks his horn at an Arab taxi driver squeezing in on him. Arab honks back. CHARLIE Oi! Fuck you! ARAB Jihad! CHARLIE Bloody 405. Even on a Saturday it sucks. On the passenger side sits MARCUS crammed beneath the low roof. MARCUS Appreciate the lift Charlie. Oh hey man, here’s those forty dollars I owe you. (Takes money out of his wallet) I’ll put in the ashtray, huh? With that twenty I seen in there. CHARLIE (wipes his cheek) Are you ill? MARCUS I got my unemployment check coming next week. It’s cool. I’m just feeling mighty generous today. Charlie’s lane moves. The Arab smiles at Charlie, waves him through. Then CRUNCH! Arab reverses into low rider’s fender behind him. The low rider’s driver side opens. A combat boot treads onto the asphalt. Gang-Banger inspects the dent in his fender. Caresses it. With a roar like King Kong, he blows the windows out of the Arab’s cab with blasts from his .38, continues to P EPPER the cab’s body. Gang-banger continues clicking .38 after it’s empty. Arab pokes his head through glassless window. ARAB Why you do this? Bullet holes hurt resale values. I show you fucker. Jihad on you, fucker. 20. Arab emerges with baseball bat, whacks the pop-up lights off low rider. Cracks the .38 out of Gang-Banger’s hands... INT. MINI COOPER - INTERCUT Through the back window, Marcus watches the Gang-Banger, Arab strangle each other. MARCUS Get out of here. People going crazy, bro. Before Charlie, the flood of traffic parts to one side, as it often does for Ambulances. Charlie, Marcus stare at each other. Charlie shrugs, navigates through the opening. MARCUS Must be an ambulance behind us bro, pull over. CHARLIE Fuck that. I don’t see any ambulance. (Checks his rear view) I don’t hear any sirens. As he rolls past other motorists. Bus Drivers. Cabbies. Businessmen. All of them wave him through with pleasant smiles. MARCUS Pinch me. I must be dreaming. CHARLIE Then I don’t wanna wake up. EXT. 405 FREEWAY - INTERCUT Never again will such a site be seen. The mini cooper peals down the middle lane as vehicles pull over on each side. EXT. WILSHIRE BLVD - DAY Charlie races alongside another Driver to get to the only vacant parking meter. The Driver beats him, although fails to stop. His Ford Sedan jumps the curb, rails down the parking meter, knocks over a Chasidim Jew pedestrian, then crashes through front store window. Incredulous, Charlie pulls into the now empty spot. 21. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie laughs his ass off. His hands come off the keyboard. Startled, he watches text type itself on the page he is on: Charlie steps over broken parking meter. An Injured Jew groans. His hair curls caught under the Ford’s back wheel. INT. ELEVATOR - DAY Charlie enters, MINI SKIRT Woman rolls her hips onto e levator, chews a wad of gum. CHARLIE Going down? MINI SKIRT Why not? She jerks his pants down, spits her gum out, then sucks him off. Dumbfounded, Charlie squirms against the back wall. CHARLIE Whoa! Easy on me backwheels, Darling. Elevator doors CHIME closed. Floor numbers count down. MATCH CUT TO: INT. LOBBY - DAY Elevator doors CHIME open. A stunned ELDERLY COUPLE reel back. Charlie spasms. Mini Skirt on her knees, turns around chewing a wad of...no, not gum. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Words type themselves across the screenplay beyond Charlie’s control, as a consequence to his meddling. Charlie regards the engagement ring on the table. Light glints off its solitary 1.0 carat diamond. 22. He picks it up, closes it in his palm, lost in thought, oblivious to Tony Curtis chasing the pigeon up a curtain. Rubbing his hands together, he blows on them for luck then scrolls to page one of the screenplay: INT. BEDROOM - DAY SUPERIMPOSE the following SLUGLINE - ACTION as it happens on screen. INT. BEDROOM - DAY Charlie sits in bed. The mass pile of sheets behind him move. Kayla turns. KAYLA What was that? DELETE KAYLA’S DIALOGUE ON SUPERIMPOSITION. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie stabs repeatedly at the delete button. CHARLIE Now darling, let’s see. What do I want you to do... INT. BEDROOM - DAY Kayla turns. SUPERIMPOSE following action - dialogue over scene: Kayla turns. KAYLA I want you to spank me, Charlie. Right now, in the kitchen. However, she does not say this. The superimposition does not match what happens on screen. KAYLA What was that? She stomps over to the bed, strips the sheets off, finds the Stripper out cold beneath. 23. KAYLA You prick. I NT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE CHARLIE (Scowls) What the Hell? SCREEN Charlie deletes Kayla’s dialogue in screenplay. It reappears. He deletes it again, types the following: KAYLA I don’t care if you cheated on me Charlie. Spank me. Spank me! The dialogue deletes itself. The following types itself in it’s place: KAYLA (O.S.) Go back to England. Die on fish and chips you piece of shit! BACK TO SCENE CHARLIE Fuck. I can’t control her. He scrolls to the beginning of the screenplay. Taps away. INT. BEDROOM - DAY Charlie flutters his eyes open. He turns to the snoring Stripper. Massages his aching head. CHARLIE Hey, wake up. (slaps her face) Stripper continues to snore. He shakes her. Tugs her hair. Nothing. Charlie hears sneakers squeaking down the hall outside his bedroom. The door handle turns. He rushes for the door, steps on empty beer cans. Shoves his back against the door. KAYLA (O.S.) Charlie? 24. The handle jiggles. Charlie reaches for a chair as Kayla pushes forcefully against the door. KAYLA (O.S.) Charlie, what’s wrong with the door? Charlie drags the chair over, wedges it under the handle. He cuts his eyes to the window. OTHER SIDE OF DOOR - INTERCUT Kayla bangs on the door. She hears a thump. KAYLA Open the door. What are you doing in there? BEDROOM - INTERCUT Charlie hauls Stripper wrapped in bed sheets, by her legs over to open window. He heaves her up, shoves her out. She thuds onto the fire escape outside, fast asleep. Quickly, he collects scattered sex toys, Stripper’s clothing, tosses it out too. He shuts the window. Then moseys on to the door, removes the chair. Kayla enters, surveys the messy r oom. KAYLA Spring cleaning, were you? The red bra still twirls attached to the ceiling fan behind Charlie. CHARLIE You know. I have the oddest sense of Deja vu right now. A continuous RAP at the window. Kayla, Charlie turn. On the fire escape outside, the Stripper huddles in bed sheets rapping at the glass. Kayla glares at Charlie. KAYLA You - JUMP CUT TO: 25. MOMENTS EARLIER Charlie opens the door. Kayla enters. KAYLA What was wrong with the door? CHARLIE Dunno. Stuck I guess. Muffled Snores. KAYLA What was that? Charlie shrugs. Kayla treads over to the bed. Peels back the sheets. Empty. CHARLIE What was you looking for? KAYLA I must be hearing things. She trips. Looks down, sees a foot sticking out. She stoops, yanks the foot from under the bed, hauls out the comatose Stripper with duct tape stuck across her mouth. JUMP CUT TO: MOMENTS EARLIER Kayla enters, surveys the room. Clean. Nothing there that shouldn’t be. Charlie lays on the bed without sheets. KAYLA So how was the stag party? The closet door creaks open behind her. The Comatose Stripper wrapped in sheets with duct tape on her mouth thuds onto the floor. Out piles sex toys, blow-up doll, rubber dildo. CHARLIE Shit. (Jedi mind trick gesture) There is no Stripper that just fell out of the closet. JUMP CUT TO: 26. EXT. FIRE ESCAPE (WINDOW) - DAY Charlie tosses out Stripper’s clothes, sex toys. A giant dildo whizzes through the air... DUMPSTER (BENEATH APARTMENT) The dildo lands in front of pale feet laced in Classic Greek Sandals. PERCY ARSOLE (40s) A curious pale fellow with a rotund belly, dressed in a whiter-than-white toga candida. He looks up at Charlie’s window, sees him dumping the Stripper bound in duct tape onto the fire escape. Percy shakes his head. Casts his head low in disappointment. He treks the sidewalk toting a Travelpro carry-on case. EXT. BEVERY BLVD - DAY The sidewalks bustle with pedestrians. Except in this new world guys wearing togas follow closely behind every living person - the world of INVISIBLE GUARDIAN ANGELS. Percy trudges sadly, toting the Travelpro past... HOT DOG STAND Business Man takes a whopping bite on his sausage. Mustard, mayonnaise drips down his chin. Three hungry guys in togas ( Angels) stand around him, drooling. SYNAGOGUE Percy journeys past as yarmulke-wearing Angels emerge from entrance. An extremely orthodox Chasidim Jew enters the synagogue followed by two Bearded Angels in broad-rimmed hats lugging a large suitcase. MOSQUE Turban-wearing Angels hubbub out the entrance. A morose Percy intersects the crowd. 27. ST. VICTOR’S CATHOLIC CHURCH Angels stream through the doors. Black. Asian. Gay. Percy stops at the glass doors etched with Gabriel, Michael archangel images. Percy makes sign of the cross, vanishes through... VESTIBULE (ST. VICTOR’S) Percy moseys up the Church’s nave to... STATUE OF CHRIST Percy pokes Christ in the eyes. This opens a secret passageway in the wall - a tunnel of bright light. He enters. The tunnel swallows him. WHITE FADE IN: WOMAN in white types on a MAC behind a white oak desk. Percy toting the Travelpro, storms past Angel, enters... WHITE OFFICE Woman bursts in behind Percy. Angel Paintings adorn each side of the white walls. Sunshine streams through a large window behind GOD (2020s) hunched over a putter in mid swing. The sudden intrusion jolts his concentration. He clips the golf ball. It rolls towards the putting cup way off target. God scowls, waves his hand. Golf ball jerks back on correct course, enters the cup. God smiles. Not an average looking god, looks more like a tourist. Sunblocked nose, Hawaiian shirt. A long trademark beard, however. FEMALE Sorry for the intrusion. This gentile barged in without an appointment. GOD Leave us, Woman. She obeys, closes door. 28. PERCY H ow was your vacation? GOD I had to cancel my plans. The Klingons were rioting. Someone stole the sword of Kahless again. PERCY I must apologize, but it appears Duncan has escaped the Pit and humanized himself on earth. He has given my client Charlie the power to tamper with his fate. God slits his eyes, scrutinizes Percy. GOD Percy, where the Devil is your soul? PERCY Again forgive me, but as a last resort I embodied a pigeon to try and prevent my client from using the fate altering powers. GOD A pigeon? And did you succeed? PERCY No. Duncan was one step ahead of me, possessing the body of a cat. At this moment our souls clash. God waves his hand. An image of Tony Curtis swiping at the cornered pigeon appears in the center of the room then fades. PERCY My powers are limited on earth. If only you could lend me a helping hand with my client. GOD You will make do with your Angelical powers. Your purpose is guidance. To whisper to his conscience. Make him see the light. 29. PERCY I cannot get through to the man. His low vibration diet and lifestyle clouds his conscience. Prevents my divine guidance. Percy opens his Travelpro. Note book papers scatter over the floor. PERCY (re papers) These are all his sins...the past two days. I have ten more suitcases in storage. I can’t handle it. GOD I do not have time for this. I must return to Qo'noS and present a new set of commandments to end the Klingons’ rebellion. PERCY But surely you will not allow Duncan to get away with this. Punish him with lightning. GOD Duncan is your problem. He’s only doing this to get back at you for snitching on him last millennium. Besides I cannot touch your client. He’s an atheist. And you have failed to turn him into a believer. PERCY Forgive me. I will try harder. Through the window a cattle truck idles. God faces it. GOD The eating of food is the cardinal sin for Angels. Yet every day we send truckloads to the Pit. Duncan was a good angel. If only he had stayed away from that hotdog. Outside, a Red Horned Monster whips a line of Angels into formation, prods them into the cattle truck. An angel with tattoos. An angel with mustard stains on toga. The last angel with Punk hairstyle. 30. GOD I believe fate has it that your client’s former fiance Kayla beds Sydney Teitelbaum at midnight. That gives you precisely two hours earth time to make sure these two souls unite in Holy matrimony. PERCY This I will do. God waves his hand. The door opens. Percy moves towards it. GOD If you should fail or break the rules, cause any harm to your client. It is the Pit for you I’m afraid. Just detour Charlie from winning Kayla’s heart. They must not end up together. Percy steps into hallway. GOD One second, Percy. (strokes his beard) I’ve had this beard for over 2000 years. Do you think I should shave? EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT Disco music blares in background. Charlie face down on a lawn, flutters his eyes open. Duncan stoops, helps Charlie to his feet. CHARLIE (Speaks like a stroke victim) What the hell is going on? You sent me that script. Why? (Speech returns to normal) What the hell. What’s happening? Who’s doing the talking? (Stroke victim) It’s me I’m at my computer with the script you sent me. (Normal speech) Help me. Who’s words just come out of my mouth? Help! (clenches his head) 31. DUNCAN Relax. Let me talk to Charlie. Stay calm. I want to talk to Charlie. Charlie, are you there? CHARLIE (stroke victim) Yeah, I’m here typing away. I’m all ears. You got some s’plaining to do. (normal) I ’m off my rocker. Insane. DUNCAN Okay, not much time to enlighten you here. So I’ll get to the point. Charlie, I know your future. CHARLIE You’re a palm reader? Oh shit I must be having acid flashbacks. (stroke victim) Shut up Charlie. Let me listen. DUNCAN When the clock strikes twelve, everything will end. You’ll wake up with no memory of any of this. Me, the script. Nothing. CHARLIE Oh God, you’re a hypnotist. (stroke victim) Will you please shut up. Veins bulge on Charlie’s temples. DUNCAN Dang, You’re starting to brain fart. I must advise you not to put words in your own mouth that forces your present self to recognize your existence. It damages the brain cells and can result in permanent schizophrenia. CHARLIE Brain farts? No shit. DUNCAN Relax. Let Charlie do the talking. This will all be over soon. 32. DUNCAN(cont'd) Once you skip to an earlier scene you won’t remember this. You won’t remember this conversation. You still have about 150 billion brain cells left. (Checks a stainless steel pocket watch) Okay you’re presently losing brain cells at the rate of 70 million neurons per second. CHARLIE 70 million! Oh God! (Vein pops) DUNCAN Blast. 90 million now. (watches the big hand tick on his pocket watch) We have 45 seconds of conversation left before you risk too much of a neuron loss for such a young age, or worse...death by brain fart. CHARLIE What the fuck you talking about? Who am I? Where am I? DUNCAN This is the opportunity of a lifetime. Your self, the person before me right now has no awareness of your other self presently sitting in your underpants in front of your laptop. CHARLIE (stroke victim) T ell me about the screenplay. DUNCAN You can jump from scene to scene, manipulate characters, put words in their mouths, make them squeal like a pig, jump through hoops. The world is at your fingertips. I advise you, however, not to abuse the power or it will weaken when you most need it. CHARLIE (Stroke Victim) What about Kayla? Why can’t I get her to do what I want? 33. DUNCAN Love, hate my friend. Are values. You can’t control any person at either end of this value. Only those in the midpoint. Those you feel indifference to. CHARLIE (stroke victim) Love? I don’t believe in love. She’s just a nice piece of ass and a Green Card to me. Plus she’s rich. (normal) Who said that? (stroke victim) Silence! DUNCAN You’re in denial friend. You don’t allow yourself to fall in love. But true love is indomitable. You’ll come round. (grabs Charlie’s palm) I chose this day. Because it’s the turning point in your life. (thumbs a split on Charlie’s life line) See this splice? Sadly at midnight you lose Kayla to Sydney Teitelbaum. Tonight they are destined to fornicate - I mean consummate their romance. Your boss applies for bankruptcy. You overstay your welcome in America until they deport you back to England doomed to live a bleak existence as a butcher in your father’s business. You can change all that. You have exactly two hours earth time to win Kayla back. You must marry her to change your destiny. Charlie froths at the mouth. An epileptic fit seizes his body. Duncan takes off his belt, forces it in Charlie’s mouth to stop him biting his tongue. DUNCAN Dang it! You’re going into shock. Ten seconds left. You need to get out of this scene quick. Go back to earlier. 3,2... 34. INT. GYM - DAY A tired, sweaty Charlie knocks a double end red punching bag with a few sharp left hooks. Followed by quick jabs. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Slumped in the chair, Charlie wipes epileptic froth from his slobbering mouth. CHARLIE Jesus. (envelops his head) Ow. Charlie gazes at wall clock. The time: 10:01. He returns to laptop. INT. GYM - DAY Behind Charlie, Irvin pulls back the punching bag as far as the elastic allows. TEITELBAUM (Points behind Charlie) Don’t look now, it’s opportunity. Pushed by invisible forces, Charlie drops to the floor. The punching bag pops Teitelbaum in the face, knocks off his Yarmulke, exposing a pale bald spot. He drops to his knees, clutches his face. CHARLIE (V.O.) No opportunity knocks twice, slap head. (Keyboard Typing noises) Bewildered Charlie taps his legs, wondering what’s wrong with them. Irving consoles Teitelbaum who swats him away. TEITELBAUM Schlemiel! Vantz! Putznasher! Irving cuts his eyes to Charlie. Stomps towards him. Off- Screen TYPING. SUPERIMPOSE: Irving trips, falls flat on his face. Yet Irving does not. He hauls Charlie up in the air slams him down on weight bench. Off-Screen TYPING. SUPERIMPOSE: 35. Irving and Teitelbaum passionately make out. Teitelbaum dusts off his yarmulke, clips it back on. Irving pins Charlie with a 300 .lb barbell. TEITELBAUM (to Irving) He should get the L.A hernia. Charlie writhes beneath the weights as Teitelbaum, Irving stroll out. Charlie grunts, heaves. The breath knocked out of him. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE As if the weights were on him right now, Charlie, asthmatic, struggles to get his finger onto the keyboard, manages to t ype a few words with one hand. INT. GYM - DAY Three Decrepit Old Men strain, wheeze, unable to lift the 300 .lb barbell. A steroid muscled BODYBUILDER moseys on over, lifts the barbell with one hand. Charlie rubs his chest. CHARLIE Thanks man. BODYBUILDER Man? Name’s Rita, asshole. She replaces barbell on Charlie’s chest. His eyes bulge. INT. PAID PARKING GARAGE - DAY Teitelbaum, Irving march past the lines of cars at each side towards a parked BMW in the foreground. They halt at Charlie’s parked Mini Cooper. Irving flicks a blade from his pocket knife, stabs the tire. Percy squats alongside the BMW towards the rear tire. He unzips a white bumbag strapped to his waist. Takes out a white photodiode micro chip, sticks it onto the back tire. A red light blinks. Percy sets a stainless steel pocket watch to two o clock. 36. INT. BMW - DAY Teitelbaum opens the door, slides his hands across the slick leather upholstery, sits. SANZEN CRAPINON (40s) a yarmulke wearing angel enters STRAIGHT THROUGH Teitelbaum, takes the seat besides him. Then Percy enters doing the ghost trick. PERCY (to Sanzen) Budge up. Budge up. (sits in the middle) SANZEN You putz. This isn’t your client. You’re not Jewish either. Get out! PERCY I just need a ride up the road. Is that okay? I promise to be quiet. SANZEN Switch seats with me then. You’re too close to my client. Sanzen crosses over Percy’s lap, trades places. Quite awkward. INT. PAID PARKING GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER Charlie arrives at his car, sees the tire slit, punctured. He cuts his eyes to The BMW pulling up at the valet booth. He shakes his head, opens the trunk, reaches for a spare. CHARLIE (V.O.) Oh no you don’t. You get your ass after them! Off-screen TYPING. Charlie’s arms move uncontrollably, slam the trunk shut. He spins around against his will. His legs carry him into a sprint through the garage. CHARLIE What the fuck? What’s happening to me? 37. EXT. SANTA MONICA BLVD - CONTINUOUS Charlie sprints out of the parking structure, sees the BMW stop at the light. A cab approaches. His hand forcefully shoots up in the air. He looks at it suspiciously. The cab driver halts. Charlie gets in. CHARLIE (mumbles) I must be going crazy. CABBIE Where to bud? CHARLIE (to himself) G od, what a cliche. (to cabbie) Er, follow that car. (points to BMW) INT. BMW - DAY Teitelbaum, Sanzen, Percy sit quietly in the back seat. Through the back window Charlie’s cab follows. Percy checks his pocket watch. SANZEN Enough with the watch, already. That’s the fourth time in the last minute you-you Chiam Yankel. Percy ignores his Yiddish insults. Focuses tightly on the dial ticking, ticking...BANG! The car brakes, swerves. All three hurl forward into the front seats. TEITELBAUM What was that? IRVING (O.C.) Blown a tire. I’ll pull over. It’s a quick fix. Teitelbaum opens the door. Sanzen boils with anger. SANZEN (to Percy) Get out! Shmendrek. 38. EXT. LOVER’S PARK - INTERCUT Against a back drop of green grass, tress, Kayla with Mom speed-walk in their sweat suits past...Eighty Year Old Man tonguing a College Girl on a bench...A Biker Chick hugging a Business Executive...A Wino fondling a Delighted Secretary. MOM What will you wear for the premiere tonight? KAYLA I don’t feel like going, Mom. MOM You will go. End of discussion. Sydney would be so disappointed. He has a surprise for you. ROADSIDE - INTERCUT Irving cranks the lug nuts off wheel. Teitelbaum paces back and forth OUTSIDE LOVER’S PARK. He doesn’t see Kayla with Mom speed-walking between a clearing in the tree line. Percy unzips a different compartment on his bumbag. Takes out a snow ball, rolls it in his hands. He performs a major league pitcher stance. Spits to one side. Slings the snow ball... LOVER’S PARK Snow ball travels so fast that it ignites, heads straight for Kayla’s head. POOF! The snow ball disintegrates into sparking f lakes. Kayla stops dead in her tracks, overcome by divine guidance. She turns her head, recognizes Sydney standing next to the BMW. ROADSIDE In the background beyond Sydney, Kayla waves. KAYLA (whistles, then) Sydney! 39. Hearing his name, Sydney turns to see Kayla. His eyes lighten. Figuratively, his brain turns to smoosh. His Heart melts. LOVER’S PARK - TIME CUT At a fountain spurting water, a 6 foot 8’ African American holds hands with a Caucasian Transvestite Midget. Kayla, Teitelbaum stroll past. TEITELBAUM So, are you coming? I reserved a seat for you right next to me. It’s a very important night. I want everyone to see how beautiful you are. To envy me... Behind them, Charlie pokes his head through a bush. LOVER’S PARK (GATE ENTRANCE) - INTERCUT Percy stands at the threshold, looking up at the gate’s emblem engraved at the arched top - a golden Cupid pointing a gold tipped arrow. Percy nervously looks up at the trees, peers around the column. He looks down at a MAGICAL GLOWING BLUE LINE that intersects the pavement. As if stepping into a cold river, Percy hesitates, then treads one foot over the blue line. Birds sing. Percy hunches, freezes. Closes his eyes tight. Opening one eye at a time, he nervously looks around. Everything okay, he brings in his other foot, crosses under the arch. PFFFT! An arrow shoots through Percy’s stomach. He screams, painfully tugs at it. PFFFFT! Another stabs his kidney. PFFFT! PFFFT! Two more penetrate heart, lungs. Percy howls, collapses to the ground, driving the arrows up deeper, sticking out his back. He crawls helplessly, reaches a fat hairy-toed GOLD FOOT in Roman Sandals. Percy whimpers, looks up, sees CUPID (40s) An obese man with GOLD SKIN, wearing only white Speedo briefs. He towers menacingly over Percy with a gold tipped cedar arrow loaded into a Recurve Bow. CUPID (talks like New York Cabbie) 40. CUPID(cont'd) You crossed the line, pal. Parks are off limits to Angels. Whacha doin’ in here? PERCY Please. I’ve come for your help. For the love of God, remove these arrows... PARK BENCH A Lesbian Couple mooch past, holding hands. Kayla lifts her Nike sneaker onto bench, ties her shoelace. Teitelbaum sits. BAG LADY (30s). Her fat ass pokes in the air as she rummages through trash can, tossing beer, Pepsi cans into her busted up K-mart cart. Leaves rustle. Charlie thrusts his head through barberry shrubs. He eagle eyes Teitelbaum who has his hand on Kayla’s thigh. OAK TREE Cupid sits on a high branch that bends under his weight. He scratches his balls. Percy stands at the tree’s base, swabbing his wounds through the ripped toga with a damp cotton ball. Note: From here on toga will look like moths chomped on it. PERCY (points at Kayla) Do you have a clear shot? Do you see her? Do you? CUPID Yeah, I see the dame. PERCY Quickly, quickly before you lose your chance. Cupid withdraws a cedar arrow from his shoulder pouch. He loads it into the bow. Patient. Calm. PERCY Hurry up. Just do it already. CUPID I’ve been doin’ this for over 2000 years. I don’t need your help. I must first study the target. (sights Kayla) Hear her pulse. 41. CUPID(cont'd) (Kayla’s HEART BEATS) Become one with her. Penetrate her. (inhales deeply, exhales) Release the mechanism. Silence. Not even a bird chirps. No Ambient noise. Nothing. Percy yaps, jumps up and down, but no sound can be heard - Cupid is in the zone. He draws back the arrow, hearing ONLY THE SQUEAK OF WAXED BOW STRING pulling back. His disarranged armpit hairs dangle. The peacock feather delicately BRUSHES against his gold skin. The pupil in his deep blue eye amplifies. TWANG! PFFFT! The gold tip arrow sails through the air, heading for its mark... PARK BENCH It GLIDES chest level between Kayla, Teitelbaum, loses height then impales Bag lady’s ass. Jars her body. Her eyes spring in their sockets. Charlie emerges from barberry shrubs swiping off leaves. Bag Lady fixes her eyes on him. Little red hearts form in her pupils. She smiles. In dire need of toothpaste perhaps a little flossing too. A root canal definitely. OAK TREE CUPID (squints) Oh, oh. I hit the ass. That’s not good. PERCY You hit the wrong ass. You missed. You idiot! Cupid sees Teitelbaum, Kayla leave the bench. He loses his cool, calm demeanor, slings another arrow into his bow. Aims. Now he has a moving target. Kayla, Teitelbaum stroll behind the Mismatched Couples from earlier. Protected. Cupid sweats, looking for a clear shot. He loses them as they cross behind a tree into safe area. 42. Cupid swings down from tree like a giant ape. Masses of armpit hairs needing a serious trimming. He tumbles on ground. PERCY You blew it! Cupid hustles his weight down hill. Percy scuttles behind him... PATH Their sandaled feet scurry in unison. Percy can’t help but notice all of the Mismatched Couples have Cupid’s arrows embedded in odd places of their bodies. Kneecap. Forehead. Ear. A little out of shape, Cupid remains a few feet behind P ercy. PERCY (As they run) You’re blind aren’t you? You can’t see a thing. Just look at all the chaos in this park. (passes more Mismatched Couples) You’ve mixed it all up. Old with young. Blacks with whites. Same sexes. You’re as blind as a bat! CUPID If I’m blind. Then why is there an arrow sticking out of your ass. PERCY What arrow? CUPID This arrow. Cupid shoots arrow into Percy’s ass. Percy shrieks. Continues to run. Cupid stops. Loads another arrow... TRASH CAN Bag lady clings to Charlie’s pants leg. He shakes his leg all over the place. She grapples on. BAG LADY Take me with you! 43. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie, perplexed, taps away at the keyboard. CHARLIE What the Hell? Fucking Bag lady. Get off me. Do as I write you. EXT. TRASH CAN - DAY A group of JOGGERS approach in background. Bag lady crawls up Charlie’s pants, wraps around him, kisses him all over. CHARLIE Oi! Cut it out. Control yourself. CHARLIE (V.O.) I’ll fix you, you smelly bum! Off-screen TYPING. SUPERIMPOSE: Joggers stumble, collide on top of Bag Lady. Joggers uncontrollably trip over their big feet. Find themselves stumbling over to Charlie. They collide on top of them. A heap of bodies. Charlie squirms from beneath the rubble. Escapes. GATED PARK ENTRANCE - INTERCUT Swiss-cheesed with arrows, Percy dashes towards the park’s arched exit. Cupid trails behind, slings another arrow into his bow. CUPID I don’t tell you how to do your job. Get out of my park, shit head! PFFFT! Another arrow in Percy’s ass. Another howl, as he c rosses the threshold, exits under the archway... Kayla, Teitelbaum oblivious to Percy’s screams or existence, as he dashes past... TEITELBAUM (holds both her hands) I’ll pick you up then for a late lunch. I’ll bring the limo, say...3:30? 44. TEITELBAUM(cont'd) (off Kayla’s nod) Wear the red dress I bought you. He goes in for the kiss. She gives him the cheek. Teitelbaum strides to his BMW idling at the curb. He gets in. Irving guns the motor down the road... TRASH CAN - INTERCUT Joggers pick themselves off ground, dust themselves off. JOGGER #1 (to other joggers) Awfully sorry. I don’t know what happened. I got giddy. JOGGER #2 My mind became clouded. I felt dizzy. JOGGER #3 Oh no, it’s happening. (looks in air, where a plane crosses) It must be Anthrax. They’ve dumped Anthrax over L.A. We’re all infected. Doomed... Spread-eagled, sunken into grass, Bag Lady lifts her face to spit out dust. She reaches for a wallet. Glee spreads across her face as she flips it open, sees Charlie’s California Driver’s license. GATED PARK ENTRANCE - INTERCUT Charlie emerges from under the archway. Kayla turns, feigns indifference. KAYLA Stalker. CHARLIE I’ll say. Have you been following me all morning? KAYLA I’m not in the mood, Charlie. Go away. CHARLIE It’s been a crazy day, Kayla. Just give me one moment of your time. 45. CHARLIE(cont'd) Then I’ll go. Strange things are happening all over today. I get urges. I do things beyond my control. Like this... (He tickles her) KAYLA Stop it. Stop. You’re crazy. (she giggles) CHARLIE I can’t help it if women jump in my bed. I’m irresistible. Women are drawn to me like fish on chips. KAYLA I’m not forgiving you. CHARLIE I swear nothing happened with the stripper. You know how I know why? I woke up in my underpants. Think about it? Why would I be wearing u nderpants if I had sex all night? KAYLA How do I know you didn’t put them on before I walked in on you. CHARLIE Trust? KAYLA Fat chance, buster. CHARLIE Look what I’ve had carried in my pocket all day. (produces engagement ring) Try it on. Give me until the end of the day. If you’re not satisfied with me, give it back. KAYLA How do you intend to make me satisfied? CHARLIE Let’s start with a bite to eat. I’ll pick you up. What’s a good time for you? 46. KAYLA I need time to get ready. Shower. Shave. My legs that is. CHARLIE Disgusting. Okay. I wouldn’t take you anywhere with hairy legs. Half past three good? KAYLA No. Come later. 3:50 Charlie nods, turns to see Mom emerge from park, huffing, puffing in her shiny nylon tracksuit. MOM Kayla. Come here, get away from him. CHARLIE Nice to see you too, Mom. Like the training outfit. Did you buy it new? (to Kayla) See you at 3:50 then. Later. He strolls off. MOM You are not seeing him later. KAYLA It’s okay, Mom. I won’t be around when he shows up. ALLEY - INTERCUT Percy tugs at the last arrow, removing it from his spine. Drops it on pile of others. He dabs his tattered toga holes with a wet cotton swab, winces with each touch. He staggers out of Alley onto... SUNSET BLVD A Wino sits on the pavement, snores. His back against the wall. A puddle of urine trickles out around him. Next to Wino sits BUM ANGEL wearing a toga sordita, a dirty and worn toga reserved for the lower class Angels. Percy compares his own state with the scruffy haired Angel before him. 47. BUM ANGEL Spare me some magic, brother? Percy unzips his bumbag, gives Bum Angel a few magic snow balls, a handful of white photodiode micro chips. BUM ANGEL God bless. MOTORCYCLE RENTAL STORE (SUNSET BLVD) - INTERCUT Charlie strolls past the display window. Light flashes glint off the showcase V-rod 700cc+ Harley. As if entranced, following the pied piper, Charlie enters... EAGLE RIDER RENTAL Behind the register, rolling a joint, HELLS ANGEL DUDE (60’s) gray pony tail, tats from hand to shoulder. 666 stamped on his t-shirt. DUDE (without looking up) What can I do you for? CHARLIE How much to rent the Harley in the window? DUDE Not for rent, dude. That’s my puppy. Built with my own hands. (Shows shovel sized callused hands) Brake calipers and rotors worth eight grand alone. I got’s a 1450 cc Model you can have for $130 a day. Off-screen TYPING. SUPERIMPOSE: DUDE Hell, you know what? Take it for a spin. Dude’s face twitches. As if he had Parkinson’s, He SAYS the dialogue superimposed above. CHARLIE No shit? 48. DUDE (movements return to normal) Fuck you. I wouldn’t let you smell it. Get the fuck out. (OFF-SCREEN TYPING. Ticks, twitches return) Just kidding. All I need’s a Visa. CHARLIE Shit. I can’t find my wallet. Off-screen TYPING. SUPERIMPOSE: DUDE (involuntary muscle spasm) That’s cool, dude. Just give me your address. Pay later. Dude SAYS above dialogue. Off-screen TYPING continues over... EAGLE RIDER - TIME CUT Resisting. Twitching. Dude wheels the V-rod to Garage exit. A magnificent chrome plated sparkling beast. Charlie wears DOT h alf shell helmet. DUDE She’s never been tipped over, laid down or even breathed upon wrong. He hands it to Charlie. Too heavy, the bulky beast tips over, crashes on cement ground. Silence. DUDE Son of a bitch. Dude’s grips Charlie’s throat... INT. LIVING ROOM - INTERCUT Seated at the laptop, Charlie chokes, grasps at imaginary hands crushing his neck. His face reddens. Eyes bulge, near to popping from sockets. INT. EAGLERIDER GARAGE - INTERCUT Dude’s callused hands choke Charlie’s neck. 49. DUDE Cocksucker! He picks Charlie up, hurls him against back wall... INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie hits his living room wall, slides down. Coughing, heaving, he crawls towards laptop. An imaginary blow rolls him across floor... INT. EAGLERIDER GARAGE - INTERCUT Dude boots Charlie across floor. DUDE I’ll teach you, motherfucker! Dude whips out of his waistband a 9mm Glock, aims it at Charlie, cocks it... INT. LIVING ROOM - INTERCUT Charlie pulls himself up the table’s leg. On computer screen, words type themselves automatically. Charlie grabs the mouse, scrolls up screenplay’s page. Left clicks. Rapidly types... INT. EAGLERIDER GARAGE - INTERCUT TYPING...Dude hands V-rod to Charlie. Too heavy, the bulky beast tips over, crashes on cement ground. Silence. DUDE (Myoclonic hand jerks) It’s okay dude. It happens. Let me get that for you. Dude heaves V-rod up. Digs in his pockets. Tosses a sterling silver human skull keyring to Charlie. Mid flight, Charlie catches the keys. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Dude’s skull keyring with the V-rod’s key attached materializes on Charlie’s table. Charlie picks the keys up. H e cuts his eyes to window. 50. Opening the window, a strange vibrating hum sounds from below, coming from a cardboard box. Parked at the curb, Charlie sees the not so amazing V-rod charred, scratched. A wheel missing. Perplexed, Charlie turns, watches the annoying pigeon land on the table. It hops towards laptop, coos. Tony Curtis leaps onto table, hisses. Pigeon flaps away, circles the room. Cat and Pigeon chase continues. EXT. CURB BY DUMPSTER - DAY Outside Charlie’s apartment, Bag Lady rolls her cart, stops next to V-rod Harley Davidson parked curbside. She matches address on Charlie’s driver’s license to address on building. INT. LUXURY BATHROOM - INTERCUT Teitelbaum, Irving bathe together in giant bubbling steamy jacuzzi, drinking champagne. They still wear their yarmulkes. IRVING Which car do you want to use this afternoon? BMW. Porsche. Limo. Or will you be taking the Ferrari? TEITELBAUM Limousine. And stock it with a few bottles of Dom Perignon. A rubber duckie floats across the water. It wears a yarmulke. INT. SHOWER - INTERCUT Charlie scrubs his soap-sudded back. Sings U2’s “BEAUTIFUL DAY.” Or at least tries too. Sounds more like chickens at feed time. DOORBELL RINGS. FRONT DOOR (HALLWAY) - TIME CUT Charlie in tattered bathrobe, opens door. Nobody there. He peers into hallway to his left then jumps as he comes face to face with Bag Lady to his right. She has applied lipstick, dressed herself up in Salvation Army’s best. 51. BAG LADY Hello...Charlie. CHARLIE Behave now. What do you want? BAG LADY I was too forward before. I fear it m ay have put you off. CHARLIE Are you bonkers? I mean, crazy? BAG LADY Let’s do lunch. My treat. I have food stamps. Charlie slams the door in her face. BAG LADY (opens Charlie’s wallet) It was love at first sight, Charlie Rupert Cole. Driver’s license D5437... The door opens. CHARLIE Gimme that. Swamp donkey. (swipes his wallet out of her hands) He slams door back in her face. Dejected, she mulls down the hallway. EXT. DUMPSTER (BELOW CHARLIE’S APT) - DAY Charlie throws trash bag, blow-up doll into dumpster, hops on to Harley. Fires it up, revs down the alley. From under the fire escape, Bag Lady emerges from cardboard box. At the dumpster, she rummages through Charlie’s trash, takes out fish net stocking, playful pony-braided anal beads, the “ass hammer.” 52. EXT. BEVERLY BLVD - DAY Charlie guns the V-rod’s motor up to a red light intersection, checks his watch: 3:20 PM. A limousine rolls up next to Charlie. The tinted back passenger window winds down. Charlie turns, sees Teitelbaum’s happy mug staring at him. A Dom Perignon bottle comes into view. Its cork POPS off, stabs Charlie’s eye. Teitelbaum busts his gut, torments Charlie with irritating laughter, sprays him with champagne. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie covers his eye, winces. The hand comes down. The eye black, bruised. CHARLIE Right. You son of a bitch. Here’s mud in your eye. (FAST TYPING) EXT. BEVERY BLVD - DAY Charlie waits at the red light on his V-rod. His head twitches, twisted by invisible hand. He sees the Limo approach in the side mirror. It’s custom made license plate reads: 100% JEWISH. Charlie scowls. His body further spins unnaturally, hands dig i nto side saddle bag. INT. LIMO - INTERCUT Teitelbaum sips Champagne. The glimmering chrome plated Harley commands his attention. He turns, his eyes narrow... TEITELBAUM Irving! It’s the English fellow. He opens the mini fridge, takes out Dom Perignon bottle. Shakes it. EXT. BEVERY BLVD - INTERCUT The limo’s window slowly whirs down, revealing Teitelbaum’s thrilled eyes... 53. Charlie remains still as rock. CHARLIE (V.O.) Hold. Window reaches past Teitelbaum’s fat nose. CHARLIE (V.O.) Hold. Window passes Teitelbaum’s shit-eating grin CHARLIE (V.O.) Now! Charlie whips around, blasts Teitelbaum’s face with whipped cream. Teitelbaum gags. Covers up. Charlie sprays his yarmulke. The window whirs up as Charlie continues to empty can’s contents through opening. The light changes. Charlie guns the Harley, sprays a streak of whipped cream down the entire limo’s length. THE CHASE Charlie floors it...at 10 miles per hour. Bloody L.A traffic! The limo catches up swiftly, bumps into Harley. Harley’s chrome chips limo’s finish. Charlie careens to the side inexperienced at handling the beast. Traffic lightens up. Limo races ahead a few cars. Charlie speeds along side Teitelbaum, gives him the finger. Covered in whipped cream, looking like a dessert, Teitelbaum hangs through the divisor over Irving’s shoulder. TEITELBAUM Kuck ind faall! Hit him now! (yanks steering wheel) Limo swerves into opening ahead of Charlie, strikes curbside fire hydrant. It cracks. Gushes water over outdoor seated diners at Cafe. The limo blocks the road. Charlie skews off, j umps the curb...Penetrates water cloud. MATCH CUT TO: 54. EAGLERIDER RENTAL (GARAGE) - 2 DAYS AGO Smoke cloud. Dude breaks through, joint in his lips. Strokes the chrome fittings on his precious V-rod. Straightens, rubs his sore back. PHONE RINGS. Dude saunters to phone. Greased up Mexican Mechanic jams a screwdriver in V-rod’s rear wheel. DUDE (While walking away) Dude, tighten real good those rear brake caliper screws to the swing arm, or else they’ll come lose when I ride her. If the caliper comes off its mount. Deep shit. No rear brakes. Marimba music blares through Mechanic’s headphones. THE CHASE - BACK TO SCENE The limo blocks the road. Charlie skews off, jumps the curb, lands hard onto sidewalk. ZOOM INTO rear tire. Screw pops off. Charlie penetrates water cloud, blasts sopping wet out other side. He rides over several squealing pedestrian’s feet. He triggers the rear brake handle. Nothing. Presses it repeatedly. No use. He looks up terrified at the rows of diners seated at tables before him. He swerves between two cafe tables. Knocks tray out of waiter’s hands. Gets splattered with spaghetti. Slams against bar supporting awning. The awning smothers him and patrons. He rips through other side... Sees the back of a 400 .lb Obese Woman up ahead. He drags his boots on pavement...the rubber soles burn. He’ll collide into Obese Woman any second. He squeezes the front brake hard...Sails over handlebars. Obese woman brakes his fall. Vrod drives up her giant butt crack. Parks itself. CHARLIE (rolls off her) Thank god for fat women. 55. He mounts Harley, triggers reverse gear. The tire tears at pavement. Smoke riffs. The 700+cc engine finally wrenches H arley from between Obese women’s ass cheeks. The fire hydrant shoots its geyser of water over radiator busted Limo. Teitelbaum emerges out limo’s back door, stomps towards cafe. Water floods the sidewalk. Waitress emerges with Strawberry Nut ice cream, slips in puddle. Ice creams sails through air. A single maraschino cherry lands on Teitelbaums’ whipped cream-covered yarmulke. EXT. KAYLA’S HOME - DAY Charlie roars the V-rod up a private cul de sac leading to a fancy home. He yanks the front brake handle, skids the V-rod to a full stop dragging his feet. Kayla emerges in a red house dress, tramps down walkway lined with shrub roses. Charlie turns, taking off his helmet. KAYLA What are you doing here so early? I told you four. CHARLIE Three fifty, actually. Anyway I see you were anxious. Ready and waiting by the door for my arrival. Kayla checks her watch, looks down the cul de sac then back at Charlie. KAYLA Is that spaghetti? She dusts off his shoulder. KAYLA You’re wet. CHARLIE Pipe burst on the street. Come on, get on. I got matching helmets. (hands her a helmet) KAYLA Since when do you own a motorcycle? 56. CHARLIE Not a motorcycle, Darling. It’s a chopper. (he saddles the chopper) She checks her watch again. He cranks the engine over. CHARLIE Getting on or what? You got five seconds. KAYLA Wait, I - CHARLIE Three seconds... (cranks the engine) Her short skirt hoists as she lifts her leg over the V-rod. CHARLIE Hold on tight. Back brakes are a little dodgey. Like nonexistent. KAYLA (putting on helmet) What - ? (Bike roars down road) E XT. BEVERLY BLVD - INTERCUT Fire hydrant still gushes water in background. Teitelbaum sits at outside cafe table, drinking coffee. Irving emerges from cafe, sits. IRVING Mom said Kayla left with the English man. TEITELBAUM (spills coffee) Vantz. At the next table, cell phone RINGS...Diner answers. Teitelbaum shifts uncomfortably. Behind him another cell phone RING. Then another. RINGS fill Teitelbaum’s ears. Everywhere he faces, he sees a cell phone. TEITELBAUM (Sweats, shakes) Take me home. Take me home. 57. EXT. LAKE PARK - DAY A sparkling lake surrounded by California oak trees, wild sage, manzanita. Lugging V-rod’s saddlebags, Charlie leads a blindfolded Kayla to a spot beneath an oak tree. In the background, lake enthusiasts row numbered boats. MALE VOICE (MEGAPHONE) (Off-screen. Distant) Number 13 your time is up. Charlie lays out a picnic blanket, digs into saddlebags for more items. Spreads out an assortment of cheeses, cutting board, grapes, wine. Takes Kayla’s blind fold off. KAYLA (gazes at lake, trees) Wow. This is nice. EXT. HIGHWAY - INTERCUT Mounted on roof of freightliner truck, Percy in tattered toga, unkempt hair, sees the LAKE PARK SIGN turn-off. Percy sprints across cargo trailer roof. Leaps. Drops to ground, runs, stumbles head over heels down hillside onto road below. A Sedan heads straight at him. He picks himself up, slight despair shows as the car heads...THROUGH HIM. A second later, as if karate punched in the stomach by car’s energy trail, Percy gets yanked back. OOMPH! EXT. LAKE PARK (ENTRANCE) - DAY At open gates, Percy looks down to glowing blue light marking threshold. He peers down paved entrance, at trees, sees a distant Golden Cupid dashing from tree to tree. This one has long hair. A Tarzan quality. Too distant to see him clearly. FURTHER DOWN Percy emerges through foliage, climbs up iron gate, down to other side. Creeps past sage brush, scampers from tree to tree. Takes refuge behind a large oak. 58. PFFFT! A golden tipped arrow tears the wood beside his head. Percy ducks. He jogs deep into woods, dodges branches, vaults t ree trunks... HIKING TRAIL Squirrels scurry across the lonely dirt path, followed by Percy who dives into a bush. Hidden, Percy clamps his mouth on piece of his toga. He hears FOOTSTEPS TRAMPLE gravel very nearby. His eyes cut through twigs, make out a pair of pedicured golden feet in Roman sandals. Percy gulps. The feet near his hiding spot. Percy chews on toga. Further down the trail a bird FLAPS its wings out of a nearby nest. The feet leave. Percy relaxes. OAK TREE - INTERCUT Kayla, Charlie lay sprawled out on blanket. Facing away, head to head, they feed each other grapes. Other couples make out at different spots nearby. One couple has a boombox playing love ballads. KAYLA How many women have you slept with? CHARLIE Including this morning? About 7000. KAYLA You never give me straight answers. How can I marry you if you’re never serious. CHARLIE Why do you have to ask something like that anyway? KAYLA Why do you want to marry me? CHARLIE Because you’re beautiful, sensitive, and stinking rich. You know I only want you for your money, right? 59. KAYLA There you go again. Never serious. CHARLIE (laughs) I’m glad you like it. KAYLA I can never figure you out. Boombox nearby plays U2’s “BEAUTIFUL DAY.” KAYLA I love this song. Sing it with me. CHARLIE You know I don’t sing. It terrifies me. KAYLA Why? CHARLIE The truth? Okay, when I first moved out here. I rented a room in Silver lake. Big house. Five guys lived there. I just didn’t know until the first night they were five gay Filipino choir singers. KAYLA You’re kidding. CHARLIE No, I didn’t do the math. Five guys. Four rooms. I thought the owner of the house - a big fat 50 year old chef was maybe sharing the room with his 18 year old son. Later I heard this spanking through the vents...It wasn’t his son. KAYLA Ugh. CHARLIE Anyway, first night they threw me a humiliating welcoming karaoke party, made me sing Boy George’s Do you really want to hurt me. I vowed never to sing in public again. 60. KAYLA Get over it. Sing this with me. (cups hands into make believe mike) Charlie won’t sing. KAYLA You’re no fun. Behind boombox Percy squats, peeks around tree. Frantically searches tree line for Tarzan Cupid. Percy sees Kayla, Charlie on blanket. Charlie says something funny. Kayla laughs. Percy seethes. A wasp lands on flower. Prances. Takes off. Percy follows the wasp’s flight to a nearby nest hanging on tree branch. He turns, sees Kayla playfully punching Charlie’s arm. A smile on her face. Percy digs his sandaled feet into sides of tree, scales. Slips across tree branch to nest. Wasps circle his head, as he unzips compartment on bumbag, takes out his last photodiode chip, clips it onto wasp nest. Red light blinks... OAK TREE - INTERCUT Charlie pours Kayla another glass of wine. An ominous rushing sound in background. A Synchronous rhythm. Commands both their attention. Couples dash through the trees, head to the lake. A giant swarm of wasps heads in their direction. They don’t think twice about it. Run! Kayla, Charlie hand in hand scamper for the lake, passing other frantic lovers. The swarm rears behind them, gets closer. Charlie looks behind him, horrified. They won’t make it. An Out of shape c ouple lagging behind get stung. The swarm hovers behind them as Charlie, Kayla make a diving leap into lake. Wasps skim water surface, dance a while before departure. Below water, Charlie, Kayla, adrenaline pumping. Hormones racing. Kiss. They break the surface, sucking each other’s lips. 61. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie in his underpants, eyes narrowed at screen. Coffee to his lips. CHARLIE Good on ya Charlie me boy! I couldn’t have done better myself. EXT. LAKE PARK - INTERCUT Percy cusses, stamps the ground. PFFFT! An arrow penetrates his Adam's apple. He gurgles, tugs at it. Across the lake he can just make out Cupid’s golden athletic figure seated on head of row boat #15. Cupid readies another arrow. Wasps swarm around row boat. The Rower panics, flips boat upside down. Cupid misfires into air as he flops in water. Capsized row boat floats. MALE VOICE (MEGAPHONE) (distant, off-screen) Time’s up. Come on in number 51...er number 15 are you having difficulties? Percy scrams. Misfired arrow sticks in ground before him. He swerves it, continues towards tree line. EXT. LAKE PARK (ENTRANCE) Percy snaps the arrow head. Dabs his wound with cotton ball. He takes out his ticking pocket watch, checks the time... PERCY (looks up) Forgive me, for I’m about to sin. PFFFT! Another arrow sails through bars, pierces his back. EXT. INGLEWOOD GHETTO - SUNSET Orange light cracks through smog blanket in sky. Percy traverses bad neighborhood. Crushed cars on blocks. Burned out mattresses on sidewalks. Percy drifts up cluttered walkway to dilapidated crack house. 62. CRACK HOUSE A Solo HARP rendition of “ANGEL OF MUSIC” adds a touch of irony to the panelled empty interior. Amber light slants t hrough cracks in wooden boards, penetrates the gloom. Percy enters, creeks up the stair case to... CRACK ROOM Asbestos shingle siding lines the walls. A melting pot of diverse ethnic crack heads, heroine addicts, extremely cheap whores also line the walls. In the center an Angel “Harp” (50’s) plucks the strings of a tall triangular 45 stringed harp. He wears dark sunglasses, waves his head side to side in harmony with the melody. HARP What brings ye’ here, my brother? PERCY I need to become human. HARP Aye, ye’ seek human dust. I have it. PERCY I just want to be human for an evening. How much do I need? HARP How much can ye’ afford? Percy hands him his bumbag. Harp unzips it, peers in. HARP Wha’ dye wa do somethin’ like this? It’s those Krispy Kremes on Century an’ Crenshaw isn’t it? God forsaken place. Responsible fur aw mah customers. Harp takes out of his frock a dime bag of white powder, along with a handheld silver cased mirror. Percy looks around the room, watches Junkie slap his vein. Base Head lights a pipe. 63. Fight breaks out among two crack heads in background, as Harp sprinkles human dust on mirror, cuts it in two lines. HARP (re crack heads) Drugs an’ alcohol cloud clarity. Their angels huv’ abandoned them. They huv’ no hope. Jist tha melody. (plucks harp strings) Percy stoops, snorts one line of Human dust, then the other...He stands, feels a rush of blood to the head. Wipes his nose. His body tingles. He falls flat on his ass. Just the junkies, crack heads fill the room. Some observe their new dirty, ripped toga wearing intruder. Percy strokes the decayed wood floors. Feels his hands. HARP (V.O.) (echoes) Welcome tae the real world. That’s touch. Different from our sense of touch. Creates many pleasure sensations. Wait til ye use the taste sense. It’s out of this world. I won’t e'en get into masturbation. Percy doubles up. Severe stomach pains. PERCY What’s happening? I feel pain. Why? HARP (V.O.) You’re hungry. Got tae eat. PERCY That would be two rules broken in one day. I’ll be sent to the pit. I won’t eat. (stomach rumbles) I refuse to eat. Percy clutches his pain, stands. A crack head wonders who he’s talking too. Harp music plays again. HARP (V.O.) Go on, give ye’rself a treat, lad. PERCY (totters to exit) You’re a cruel angel. I hope you rot in the pit. 64. HARP (V.O.) Guid day, lad. Mine’s a grottie job. But some angel’s got tae do it. (plucks harp tune) STAIRCASE The sweet melody continues as Percy dizzily descends staircase, falls through broken step, collides down the rest of the steps. He lays in a heap at bottom, groans. A used hypodermic needle sticks out of his forearm. He yanks it out, winces. EXT. CUL DE SAC - NIGHT Kayla hugs Charlie’s waist as they roar up the road wearing matching Harley Davidson rain suits. Charlie applies front brake, skids, drags his boots to a full stop. The rubber soles all worn down. Kayla gets off V-rod. INT. BMW - NIGHT Irving drives Teitelbaum up the Cul de Sac as they glare at Charlie roaring past. He gives Teitelbaum a grin. Teitelbaum cuffs the back of Irving’s head. TEITELBAUM Your fault. IRVING How can it be mine? If you’d have had a cell phone. You could have called the lady sooner. TEITELBAUM No cell phones. I’m genetically predisposed for Cancer. IRVING What makes you say that? TEITELBAUM Cousin Yonah. Dead. Cancer. Granddad Schlomo. Dead. Cancer. Aunt Esther. Dead. Cancer. Isaac, Aaron, Jaco. The list goes on. E veryone in my family gets cancer. 65. IRVING You’re not going to get cancer. TEITELBAUM I know I won’t. No carcinogens in my diet. I don’t smoke, don’t eat high fat foods. No nitrates, especially bacon. Cancer is out to get me. I’m not going to let it. Stup ir! (looks in air) You hear? You won’t have me. Irving shakes his head. INT. PARLOR (KAYLA’S HOME) - NIGHT Teitelbaum prays on a divan in a room of mahogany furniture. Mom dressed up for a ball, joins him on Divan with a plate of fried artichokes. Teitelbaum, munches on one of the golden crisp leaves. TEITELBAUM Delicious, Mom. As always. MOM This Charlie is becoming quite the pest. I don’t know what she sees in this...shaygetz. TEITELBAUM Don’t worry, Mom. I have a plan in operation to get him out of our lives forever - (He looks up, astonished) Kayla walks into room in closely knitted evening dress. KAYLA Shall we leave? TEITELBAUM Artichoke? (offers her his) EXT. SIDEWALK - NIGHT Percy wonders among humans, looking like a bum in dirty white rags. Used to walking through humans, he bumps into them, gets pushed around. He checks the time on his pocket watch...shakes his head. 66. PERCY I’m late. I’m late. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie sips a cup of coffee, reads the computer screen. He checks the wall clock, where the pigeon flies across. The clock has stopped. CHARLIE Shit. He checks his watch. Doesn’t work either. Water damage. He rushes to the bedroom. The Pigeon lands on sofa, bobs its head, eyeing the laptop. Tony Curtis stalks Pigeon at sofa’s base. Charlie returns with alarm clock, sets it for midnight. The time ticks. He places it next to laptop. He hears a mechanical buzz outside window. OPEN WINDOW Charlie pokes his head out. CHARLIE Who’s that down there? He sees a vagrant figure emerge from cardboard box, beneath fire escape, slings his cup of coffee at it. Bag Lady shrieks, conceals her face. CHARLIE Piss off! (shuts window) EXT. BEVERY BLVD - INTERCUT Percy clutches his rumbling stomach as he passes Hotdog vendor. He stops at pizzeria window, drools on glass as a little girl eats a pepperoni slice. The Owner emerges, shoos him away. Percy, dazed, stumbling. Cold. Lurches to... 67. ART HOUSE MOVIE THEATER He huddles at entrance as Jewish groups stream through. Followed by Charlie. Percy trails. Usher blocks his entrance, a rms folded, looks him up and down with disgust. CINEMA Mom, Kayla, Teitelbaum sit in middle row. Among yarmulke covered heads, Charlie sits in back row, munches on pork rinds. Off- screen TYPING. Charlie rubbernecks his surroundings. CHARLIE (V.O.) Let’s see what’s around you Charlie boy? What...can we do? INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie watches screen. TYPES some more. A list of what Charlie sees, types itself out on... SCREEN PROJECTIONIST (20s) SKINNY FEMALE(30s) BALD MALE (40s) Lights off. Chattering dwindles in the seats. CINEMA - INTERCUT Hush hush. All quiet on the rows. Popcorn here and there. Charlie crunches his pork rinds. Gets a glare form Jewish Guy next to him. Charlie offers him pork rinds. He frowns, shakes his head. Charlie offers a Slim Jim. Screen curtains open. CHARLIE (V.O.) Everyone get ready, the shows about to start. MOVIE SCREEN Klezmer music plays on soundtrack. Credits roll on screen: For my greatest love, Kayla. 100% Jewish Productions Presents... 68. BACK TO SCENE Teitelbaum catches Kayla’s reaction. Mom smiles. CHARLIE (V.O.) That wanker. Alright, I’ll let you slide with that. This will be one shitty dedication, mind you. Off-screen TYPING. PROJECTION ROOM Seen through the glass, the Projectionist stands up from his chair as if pulled by marionette strings. His arms flap unnaturally towards the spinning reels... CINEMA SCREEN “KOSHER CABANA starring Zalman Gelfite, Fanny Borach...” The rest of the credits speed up. No time to read. Actors show on screen in a cabana setting. They run around, move faster, jerkier than a Charlie Chaplin movie. They speak rapid Yiddish in chip monk voices. Audience members laugh. Then the action slows to a deathly pace. Actors trade Yiddish lines at super low frame rates. Making them sound like monsters. More audience laughter. Teitelbaum turns, scans the projection booth. Rapid off-screen TYPING. Bald Male behind Teitelbaum, sweats profusely, rocks back and forth. He turns red. Finally can’t resist any longer. Stands, s plashes his coke on Teitelbaum’s head. Teitelbaum springs up from his seat, faces the man. Bald male shoots out vomit worse than the exorcist, splashes chunks on Teitelbaum’s suit. Teitelbaum rushes down the row of seats, trampling giggling movie watcher’s feet. Skinny Female trips him. He thuds to the ground, crawls... Charlie cracks up along with the rest of the crowd. Mom, Kayla, try to keep their lips sealed, can’t help themselves. They bust a gut at the movie screen. 69. MOVIE SCREEN Alternates between rapid motion, ultra slow motion during a sex scene. Between rapid Yiddish sex talk, slow panting. Projector bulbs explode. White out. CINEMA LOBBY - INTERCUT Usher in underwear struggles against his bonds - strips of Percy’s toga around arms, legs, gagging his mouth. Percy in Usher’s jeans, shirt, but still wearing his sandals takes money from Usher’s wallet, snorts another line of human dust, leaves Usher tied behind curtain. BATHROOM - INTERCUT Teitelbaum, his shirt sopping wet, dries the yarmulke under hand drier. Percy enters. Dying for a pee. He unzips, sprinkles the urinal. PERCY God that feels good. (to Teitelbaum) I know who caused your movie fiasco in there...It was Charlie. TEITELBAUM (as if it were cuss word) Charlie. PERCY He needs a lesson taught right now before he steals your Kayla. I recommend you form a Jewish posse. Reform his anti-Semitic ways. TEITELBAUM Why are you helping me? PERCY (shakes, puts it away) Let’s just say he owes me for a considerable amount of pain caused. Guilty of creating a hostile work environment. TEITELBAUM You’re a script reader too? 70. PERCY Something like that. (zips up fly) Percy yowls as hairs get stuck in zipper. EXT. MOVIE THEATER/ INT. CINEMA - INTERCUT The crowd grows restless. Kayla’s cell RINGS. She answers. Charlie stands at the corner of the movie theater. Behind him two Orthodox Jews, VAAD (40s) PAVEL (20s) wide brimmed hats, curls, the works, lug across their backs a large woven carpet roll. CHARLIE (ON PHONE) Hey. I’m here. Snuck into the back row. I’ll meet you out front to rescue you from all this, my little Disney princess. Jews pause in front of Charlie, unroll the carpet in front of h im. CHARLIE (to Jews) Oi, do you mind? (to Kayla) Cough if you read me...over. Kayla coughs, hangs up. Mom stares suspiciously. The two Jews punch Charlie in the face through carpet... INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie topples off the back of his seat. Out cold. Pigeon descends on table, pursued by Tony Curtis. EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Vaad, Pavel casually perambulate up the side walk, once again lugging the carpet roll across their backs. Charlie’s feet stick out one end...A boxy Astro van screeches up to the curb. Back doors open. Another Orthodox Jew, Mikhail (30s) receives the carpet. All climb in. Doors shut. On the back of the van, reads: “Adler’s Operation Magic Carpet - Cleaners.” 71. The Van screeches off. BLACK Motor ticks, blended with speeding cars on a highway. Charlie’s eyes flutter open, see Arabian carpet fibers. He groans... VAAD (O.S.) (Muffled Yiddish) Er zol kakn mit blit un mit ayter. PERCY (O.S.) Quick. He must be kept unconscious. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie props himself on his elbows, clasps his killer headache. Invisible blows pound his body... INT. ASTRO VAN - NIGHT In the van’s rear, lies Charlie rolled-up in full length carpet. Vaad punches the carpet roll. The younger Pavel stoops beneath the low roof, kicks it. Percy hesitates, then joins in with a few elbows at Charlie’s carpet covered face. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Pigeon lands on an unconscious Charlie sprawled out on floor. The pigeon coos, eyes Tony Curtis nearing the laptop. Pigeon flies for cat’s back, digs its claws in neck, pecks away... EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT A happy Teitelbaum joins Kayla waiting outside. KAYLA Sorry about your movie. Mom told me you had a surprise for me tonight. I didn’t expect that. 72. TEITELBAUM The real surprise comes later. If you will join me tonight. She searches the street. TEITELBAUM Waiting for someone? KAYLA Just Mom. TEITELBAUM She’s with Irving, bringing the car. INT. ASTRO VAN - NIGHT Lightning. Rain strikes the glass. Percy leans through opening at front seats, talks to unseen driver. Mikhail sits in passenger seat. PERCY (to driver) Trains leave the station every 20 minutes or so. VAAD How do you make it past security? PERCY That’s easy. I know a secret way in a few miles down. On foot we will cross the bridge of invisibility. This is hidden from security. MIKHAIL We put him in boxcar? PERCY No. That’s just in the movies. Box cars are rare on freight trains, and when you do see one. It’s locked. PAVEL We brake lock? PERCY No, what you look for is a twin stack. A container that overhangs another below. 73. PERCY(cont'd) There’s always an eight foot square tub underneath. Some have welded iron floors. We hide him there. PAVEL How you know this? PERCY I traveled this way many times. In twenty four hours he will be in Albuquerque...Now, he must not be seen or heard. Pavel unrolls the carpet. Vaad takes off his stinky sock, shoves it into Charlie’s mouth, seals it in with duct-tape. They roll Charlie back up. Duct-tape carpet all around. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Pigeon flaps its wings on top of display cabinet. The cat laps Charlie’s cheeks, paws his chin, until he stirs awake. CHARLIE (bad taste in his mouth) Cute little fella. (pets the cat. It purrs) Charlie crawls towards laptop, feeling bruised, banged up, yet there’s not a mark on his body. He takes a seat again, watches the screen automatically scroll. Words type t hemselves. SCREEN PERCY (O.S.) He’ll be very thirsty if the train stops in the desert. BACK TO SCENE CHARLIE Who the Hell’s this guy? (types. Waits.) I can’t control him either. Must be another Jew. Come on Charlie what can you see or hear. Where are we? Wake up. Wake up. (More Typing) 74. BLACK SUPERIMPOSE following action on screen as it happens. Charlie’s eyes open. He strains his head to see behind him. Can’t move. REPETITIOUS BUMPS on the road. Cars overtaking, register in his hears. Lightening CRACKS. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie watches the screen. CHARLIE Repetitious bumps?...seams in a highway? Cars overtaking? INT. ASTRO VAN - INTERCUT Rain pelts against van. Percy gazes towards the carpet roll, notices that it moves slightly. Suspicious, he elbows it. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie reels back, touches his face where Percy just hit him. CHARLIE Ow. What bastard just hit me? (another invisible elbow to the face) Stop it. (another) Bastard. Charlie TYPES RAPIDLY OVER... INT. ASTRO VAN - INTERCUT ...Charlie groans as Percy elbows him. SUPERIMPOSE TYPING as the following action happens: Driver in vehicle behind loses control of steering wheel, crashes into them. Again and again. 75. EXT. PASADENA FREEWAY BRIDGE - NIGHT - INTERCUT Lightening flashes skies as Astro van crosses above the L.A river adjoined to Midway train yard. A freight truck behind plows into the side of the Astro. The van careens into safety rail, flies off the bridge. Plummets to the river below... The Astro whams into the water, floats down stream, slowly s inking. The back doors flap open... INT. ASTRO VAN - INTERCUT The van buckets side to side. Fills with water. Fallen tool boxes jingle back and forth as Percy, Vaad, Mikhail, Pavel, plus the Driver all grip to something. Charlie’s carpet slides into river, trails behind. Thunder rumbles. Then carpet sinks below the surface... Percy freaks out. Moves to open doors. Lightening cracks. Vaad holds him back. VAAD (re sinking carpet) God has visited upon him the best of the Ten Plagues. PERCY No! I can’t lose another client. (dives into river) UNDER WATER Percy holds his breath, struggles against currents. Carpet roll boots him in face. Percy straddles it, tears at the duct tape...too much duct tape. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie stares back at the screen. Frightened. He scrolls to an earlier scene. Types. Nothing appears on screen. He types again. No letters appear on screen. Then Charlie coughs up foul polluted water. He Gags. Grips at his throat. Falls to his knees. Pigeon, Cat stop their chase to observe Charlie drowning in his living room. Charlie hacks up more foul, brownish water from his lungs. 76. UNDER WATER - INTERCUT Lightening flashes illuminate dark pockets in the water. Percy tugs at carpet edges. His sandaled feet dug in. He strains. His last air bubbles stream from his mouth... He swallows water. The carpet opens, Charlie whirls out, flapping desperately towards the bottom. Percy grabs Charlie, points him up. As Charlie pulls for the surface, Percy’s eyes glaze over. H is body stiffens. Drifts. Dead. A last smile on his face. LA RIVER - CONTINUOUS Charlie brakes the water surface, rips off duct tape, upchucks dirty sock with water, gasps for air. He swims for the edge, coughing, disgorging water out his nose. ARROYO SECO - INTERCUT Astro Van washes up into a thinning stream, cracks into dry basin cement base. All of the Orthodox Jews emerge from inside. Adler the driver inspects his Van for scratches. LA RIVER - INTERCUT Sprawled on cement edge, Charlie peers out at flowing river. Sees nothing. Not a sign of his savior, Percy. Then Percy emerges from the water. Sits next to Charlie. PERCY You owe me big time. Charlie does not see or hear him. Walks THROUGH HIM, climbs up the basin. EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT Off-screen TYPING. Charlie dripping wet, stumbles out onto rainy road. A Volvo screeches to a stop, reverses back. An Old Lady winds down the window. OLD LADY You need a ride, honey? Charlie amazed at such kindness, gets in. Shuts the door, shivering. More Off-screen TYPING. 77. OLD LADY (face twitching) Oh, honey. You’re freezing. Get out of those wet clothes. Put this on. She takes off her sweater, leaving herself with just a bra. Charlie, shivering takes the sweater. BACK SEAT Percy takes out the last folded soggy square paper of human dust. He opens it. The dust dissolved. PERCY Terrific. The Old Ladies’ Guardian Angel, NEVILLE (60s) also in the back seat leans in to Percy. NEVILLE You mind telling me what’s going on? What are you and your client doing in my client’s car?...He better not be a serial killer. INT. FERRARI - INTERCUT Teitelbaum in his best suit, shiny yarmulke, maneuvers his p rized sports car through traffic. Kayla sits next to him. KAYLA So what’s the big surprise for me? I’m dying of curiosity. TEITELBAUM Later. Patience, my child. He brakes hard. Pokes his head through open window. TEITELBAUM Watch out you Schmuck! This is a Ferrari! SERIES OF SHOTS - In L.A night traffic Percy crawls out of Volvo’s window. Neville pokes his head out as Percy stands on roof. 78. NEVILLE Where are you going? You can’t leave your client here. Fool. Percy hops from Volvo roof to roof of Dodge vehicle. NEVILLE You’re mad. Come back. I’m putting you in my report. - Percy sits on top of Dodge vehicle’s roof in yoga position, as it rides under freeway overpass. - A Caravan up ahead indicates right to turnoff. Percy jumps from Dodge roof to Caravan, clings onto side handrails. He climbs up handrails to roof. INT. CRACK ROOM - NIGHT Harp plucks a sweet melody on his enormous harp instrument. Crack heads in background OOOOOH, AHHHHH as they take turns on a pipe. HARP (looks up) Back so soon, Laddie? Need a hit? Percy slumps before him. Spiritless. EXT. BACK YARD (PARTY) - NIGHT Dj music blends with the gossip, laughter of wealthy movie crowd. Charlie pushes through ignoring an Executive who calls his name. He pushes on to Kayla standing by pool. Water fountain in rear. KAYLA (tosses drink at him) Don’t talk to me Charlie. I don’t want to listen. CHARLIE Why? What’s wrong. Listen I was kidnapped. That Bastard Teitelbaum - Teiltelbaum butts-in. Grabs Charlie by the arm. TEITELBAUM Leave her alone. 79. CHARLIE Why don’t you tell her where I’ve been for the last two hours. Eh? Asswipe. TEITELBAUM Look she doesn’t have ears for any of your lies. Englishman...She knows. CHARLIE Knows? Knows what? TEITELBAUM Your dire need for an American Green card. That’s why you who’s never been in a relationship that lasted more than a month needed her to marry you. Part Green card. Part for her money. You’re riff raff. Father who owns butcher store. Divorced Mother who sweeps office floors... INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie types madly on keyboard. CHARLIE No. No. Come on people. Anyone! Hit Teitelbaum. Kick him in the bollocks. He types. Nothing happens. Nothing he types appears on screen. CHARLIE God damn it. (thumps keyboard) EXT. BACK YARD (PARTY) - NIGHT Percy in a three piece suit appears behind Teitelbaum, Kayla. CHARLIE (to Percy) You. Who are you? I thought you died. Percy whispers into Teitelbaum’s ear. 80. TEITELBAUM Oh, yes. Thank you. Er, where are they? Percy motions behind Charlie to Elderly Couple from earlier. TEITELBAUM Er, Mr and Mrs. Karkaus - ? MR. KARKAUS Kar-kouse. As in house. TEITELBAUM Mr... Kark-ouse. Is this the young man you and your wife saw in the elevator this morning with said young hooker at the receiving end of oral copulation? MRS. KARKAUS (points at Charlie) That’s the man. That’s him. Heartsick, Kayla shakes her head at Charlie. TEITELBAUM (to Charlie) Well Mr. Hugh Grant. What have you got to say for yourself? Hmmmm? INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie thumps his head on table. CHARLIE Shit. Tits. Bollocks. The next scene’s action lines type across computer screen. EXT. BACK YARD (PARTY) - NIGHT Teitelbaum takes Kayla’s hand, leads her away. CHARLIE Kayla - ? Kay? He tugs Teitelbaum’s jacket. Teitelbaum turns, snarls. TEITELBAUM I would be very careful where you put your grubby fingers, putz. 81. He shoves Charlie. Charlie shoves back. Teitelbaum grasps Charlie’s lapels. The two men tug at each other’s jackets, yank at each other, splash into pool. W atchers SHRIEK, GASP. KAYLA Stop it! Stop! EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT Squeaking in his wet shoes, Charlie reaches his Mini Cooper parked on a front lawn next to expensive Beamers, Chryslers, limousines. He watches Teitelbaum’s Ferrari pull out of a space up ahead, then screech by with Kayla in the passenger side. Feet scrape behind Charlie. He turns. IRVING Talk to the hand. Irving delivers a sledgehammer slap that lifts Charlie off his feet. FREEZE FRAME this splendid moment. MOMENTS LATER Charlie’s eyes flutter open, see a pair of Classic Greek sandals. Duncan in shirt, jeans, stoops to help Charlie to his feet. DUNCAN Looks like you need a helping hand, my friend. CHARLIE What happened? DUNCAN We won’t go through this again. I warned you not to abuse the power. That this would happen. CHARLIE What are you talking about? Where am I? DUNCAN If you can read me. It’ll pass. The magic will return. But you won’t be able to turn back time. 82. CHARLIE What the hell are you yapping about? Get away from me. DUNCAN Farewell, friend. Don’t let her get away. One hour left. Duncan treads away. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE On the screen reads: One hour left. Charlie looks at his ticking alarm clock. He stands, paces. The pigeon flaps around the apartment. Tony Curtis sits, watching. The pigeon craps on laptop. CHARLIE Fucking pigeon. Charlie swats at it. Jumps on sofa. Jumps on table. Chases it around living room until he collapses on floor. Worn down. Pigeon swoops above, craps on his head. Charlie wipes pigeon shit off his forehead. He looks up at Pigeon perched on curtain rod. It coos. Charlie seethes. He looks at the computer still automatically typing away action from the f ollowing scene... INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT Borne down, Charlie plods to his front door, where Bag Lady sleeps on floor. She wears stocking over her shirt. Anal beads hang around her neck as a necklace. Charlie nudges the Bag Lady with his foot. She stirs awake. CHARLIE I told you to piss off. BAG LADY Don’t be like that, Charlie. How about a hot cup of Coffee? He keys open the door. Steps over her. CHARLIE No. No coffee. Get lost. 83. Bag lady peers into his apartment. The aftermath of a party. BAG LADY What a dump. I can clean the place for you. How about it? Clean. Cook? He shuts the door in her gloating face at bottom of frame. INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie nears the laptop, takes a seat. TYPES a few words. They appear on screen. CHARLIE Okay. Back in business. Charlie, get up. You’re not giving in this easy, mate. More typing over... INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Charlie sprawled out on his couch in underwear. Wet clothes on floor. Then suddenly, as if a string pulled him up off the couch. He sits. CHARLIE I’m not giving up this easy. His nostrils flare. Eyes fire up with energy. INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT Charlie in a black outfit raps continuously on apartment door. It opens. Through a cloud of smoke, keyboard piano music, base guitar strumming in background, Marcus emerges. CHARLIE I need your help. Marcus nods. SERIES OF SHOTS - Four FIGURES sneak over a wall at night. - Hands trail an extension cord across gravel. 84. - A Yamaha keyboard slips onto its stand. - Dark Figures haul floor toms, a 22" kick drum over wall. - A 30 watt "Bulldog" speaker gets passed over wall. - Dark hand flicks on mini gas powered generator. INT. TV ROOM - NIGHT Kayla, Mom sit on sofas, watching TV. A generator hums outside their window. Then a KEYBOARD, SYNTHS broadcast on speakers in background, followed by Charlie’s voice... CHARLIE (O.S.) (singing) The heart is a bloom Shoots up through the stony ground There's no room Kayla, Mom slide glass doors open. EXT. BALCONY - CONTINUOUS Kayla, Mom emerge out onto the balcony. Stupefied look on Mom’s face. Kayla peers down curiously at... BACK YARD Charlie wears “fly” shades, dressed in black, singing with a black dressed Caribbean backup band on piano, guitar, synths, the works. CHARLIE (sings) No space to rent in this town You're out of luck And the reason that you had to care The traffic is stuck Marcus strums an electric guitar. The sound gets slightly out of tune. Marcus glares at Mixer. He shrugs, fixes it. CHARLIE And you're not moving anywhere You thought you'd found a friend To take you out of this place Kayla shakes her head at Charlie, slight smile curbs at her lips. 85. CHARLIE Someone you could lend a hand In return for grace Mom fumes. MOM American Idol, he’s not. KAYLA Quiet, Mom. Then the Drummer beats his drum sets for the spectacular chorus. FLOOD LIGHTS light up behind the band, blinding Mom, Kayla. CHARLIE It's a beautiful day Sky falls, you feel like It's a beautiful day Don't let it get away A Chevy van screeches into back yard, high beam lights on. It swerves onto manicured back lawn. Charlie turns, watches van. CHARLIE (voice cracks) On the road... Chevy van revs up, rolls down drum sets, keyboard. Band M embers dive for cover. Music dies. Van doors slide open, out pour...JEWISH KLEZMER BAND. Accordion. Tuba. Trombonist. Fluggelhorn. Folk Dancer. No time to waste they form a half circle around balcony, start right in with a revivalist Israeli folk song. High up on balcony, Mom applauds. Kayla does nothing. Just glares. Folk Dancer frolics into Klezmer circle center, busts some mean Yiddish Zhok dance moves. Irving, Teitelbaum emerge driver side, sling their arms into each others, prance into the circle, brake down with some Russian Sher. MARCUS Hell, no. What’s this shit? Drummer picks up his busted equipment. 86. Keyboard player cradles his broken Yamaha. CHARLIE Get ‘em boys! MARCUS Hell yeah. The Caribbean band lead by Charlie charge into Klezmer band. The Klezmers swing, wield their dangerous equipment over their heads. Trombone clashes with Marcus’s guitar. Irving bangs Keyboard player into Accordion. Drummer kicks Fluggelhorn’s instrument from his hands. Charlie wrestles Teitelbaum to ground. Teitelbaum grabs the fluggelhorn brings it high above his head ready to crack Charlie on the head... INT. HALLWAY - INTERCUT Under wall lamp, Percy opens a square folded paper, snorts its white contents. He creeps down corridor, arrives at Charlie’s front door. Kneels. Picks the lock. In shadows, Bag Lady retreats. Scared. Trembling. Percy frets at the door, until finally he unlocks it. LIVING ROOM Opening the door, Percy steps in, flicks light switch at wall. There in front of him...lies Charlie’s laptop. PERCY Aha! The stone in my left sandal. Why didn’t I think of this earlier. I ’m such an idiot! (treads towards laptop) I’m so stupid. Stupid. No, no. You’re not stupid Percy. You’re aware. Pat yourself on the back for being aware. Don’t victimize yourself. (pats himself on the back) You are aware. 87. Percy grabs the laptop. Bag Lady enters with a war cry, fists in the air. Percy turns as she football tackles him onto the table. It gives way... INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE Charlie taps away at the keyboard, when the table collapses under it. The laptop crashes on top. Screen flickers. CHARLIE What the - ? A table lamp shatters across the floor... INT. LIVING ROOM (THE PAST) - INTERCUT Percy tosses Bag Lady against wall. It shatters across floor. Bag Lady madly dashes towards him. Percy Ole’s her like a bull fighter. She crashes into kitchen... LIVING ROOM (PRESENT) - BACK TO SCENE Charlie turns to the crashing plate noises from his kitchen. He turns to see Cat, Pigeon quietly staring too. LIVING ROOM (THE PAST) - INTERCUT Bag Lady emerges with a butcher knife. Swipes it at Percy. Percy dodges, ducks. Kicks up table leg. Rams it into her face. She counteracts with a slice across Percy’s arm. Thrusts the knife towards Percy’s head. It sticks in Table leg. Percy ducks her next move, tosses her onto sofa. It topples over.. LIVING ROOM (PRESENT) - INTERCUT Charlie spins on his chair to see the sofa topple over, trapping Tony Curtis underneath. He squiggles his fat body, can’t get through. Pigeon pecks at defenseless Cat’s nose... Then an invisible whack sends Charlie across the floor... 88. BACK YARD (SCREENPLAY) - INTERCUT Teitelbaum whacks fluggelhorn over Charlie’s head, boots him across the yard... Marcus jams Folk dancer into Tuba. Irving collides heads of Piano player with Keyboard player. Trombonist, Accordion gang up on Irving’s victims, deliver s tomach blows. Folk Dancer meanders across yard with his head stuck in Tuba. Marcus kicks his rear. Charlie’s cell phone skitters across the ground. It RINGS. Teitelbaum reels back. Charlie picks the cell phone up. Teitelbaum shrills. Charlie notices. He prods Teitelbaum with cell phone... Mom tosses flower pots over balcony. A flower pot smashes between Charlie’s legs. Another to his side...the last one cracks his head. MOM A hit! I sunk their aircraft carrier! KAYLA This isn’t battleships, Mom. Irving kicks away the ringing cell phone. Teitelbaum picks up the fluggelhorn, stomps towards Charlie... INT. LIVING ROOM (PRESENT) - INTERCUT Charlie lays sprawled on the floor, touches his swollen head. Invisible slaps thrash his head from side to side. Pigeon flaps across room, perches on laptop’s keyboard. Then turns, coos at Charlie, before returning to keyboard. It rapidly pecks away AT LETTERS ON KEYBOARD to form words, which form sentences. The Pigeon types! With its beak! SUPERIMPOSE over scene following action as it happens: Charlie drags himself by hair into bathroom. 89. BATHROOM Charlie shrieks as he pulls his own hair like some weird schizophrenic into bath tub. His hands get yanked by invisible strings to taps, turning on the hot water... LAPTOP Pigeon pecks away with its beak at keyboard. SUPERIMPOSE: Charlie pushes his face into water. BATHROOM Charlie’s face plunges into hot steaming water. Bubble screams float to surface... LIVING ROOM (THE PAST) - INTERCUT Bag Lady emerges from behind Sofa. A new determination. She treads towards Percy. The look on her face startles him. He backs away... She charges... The air from his lungs escapes as she impales him with her bony shoulders. The two collide into movie posters hung on back wall. The glass cracks digging into Percy’s neck. He gurgles, reaches for glass shards stuck deep. Bag Lady t osses books, screenplays, anything within her reach... An Oscar replica sails across room, smashes living room window... LIVING ROOM (PRESENT) - INTERCUT Pigeon pecks madly at keyboard. Charlie drags himself against living room floor. As he does, Movie posters hung on wall magically collide onto floor. The glass shatters... Books, screenplays fly across the room. The Oscar replica sails over Charlie’s head, smashes living room window. Pigeon turns, coos. Sees open living room window. TYPES. 90. SUPERIMPOSE: Charlie throws himself out open window. Charlie does exactly this. Picks himself up by the neck. Choking. He lugs himself to open window. Throws himself out... EXT. BACK YARD (SCREENPLAY) - INTERCUT Spent, the Klezmer band lie in a heap against their Caribbean adversaries. Charlie, Teitelbaum trade weak punches till they don’t have an ounce of energy left. They collapse onto one another, gasping. Marcus swings trombone in air, ready to bring it full force onto Irving’s yarmulke protected head. Then suddenly the night sky lights up...with FIREWORKS, commanding everyone’s attention: Kayla. Mom. Charlie. Marcus pauses with the trombone. All watch with awe as multicolored lights flash over their reddened faces. BIG EXPLOSIONS. INT. LIVING ROOM (PRESENT) - INTERCUT Outside his window, Charlie grapples onto ledge with one hand...He looks below, sees the hard concrete ground beneath. A book sails across the room, knocks Pigeon on its back. A few feathers sail. It pops back up on its three toes, teeters, its back toe balances it. Pigeon hears Charlie straining at the window. Hops across room. Flaps onto ledge...Charlie seethes at the Pigeon. It coos. Looks so cute. Even harmless. Then it pecks C harlie’s index finger. Draws blood... LIVING ROOM (PAST) - INTERCUT Percy swipes away the tossed objects, moving towards Bag lady...He picks up a broken shard of glass... LIVING ROOM (PRESENT) - INTERCUT Charlie hangs by his two strongest fingers. The Pigeon coos, eyes his juicy succulent middle finger... Charlie gapes at Pigeon. Dread spreads across his face... 91. LIVING ROOM (PAST) Percy. A new determination. Stalks Bag Lady with menacing glass shard in hand. Fearful she backs away. Nothing left to throw. No where to hide. Horror spreads across her face... LIVING ROOM (PRESENT) - INTERCUT Pigeon pecks at Charlie’s middle finger. Charlie shrieks, yells. Dangles. Blood spurts out of the gash on his finger, sprinkles mad evil Pigeon... LIVING ROOM (PAST) - INTERCUT Bag Lady reaches a dead end. Back up against the wall. Percy treads...Light glints off glass shard... Bag Lady looks up, sees rotating ceiling fan. She charges. Jumps. Higher than Magic Johnson. Cuts through rotating blades. Yanks onto fan. It detaches. Sparks. Percy cowers. Covers his face, as fan contraption swings down full force. A jutting blade shoves his chest as he stumbles to open window, keels over ledge... LIVING ROOM (PRESENT) - INTERCUT The fan fixture sparks in background. Pigeon’s eyes widen as blade spins down towards it, knocks it out of window... EXT. ALLEY (PAST) - INTERCUT Percy picks himself off pavement. Dusts himself off. WINDOW Bag lady tramples broken glass, steps over cracking fan. Peers out of window into street. She sees nothing. ALLEY Percy stares up at Bag Lady. She’s looking elsewhere down a lley, looking for him. PERCY Not again. 92. He digs into his pocket for square folded paper. He opens it. Nothing inside. PERCY He stiffed me. Cheap Scottish bastard! Oh my god, I cussed. I said a bad word. Fuck. O shit, I did it again. God forgive me. (His head jerks) Asswipe! What’s wrong with me? (head jerks again) Tits, Ass, fucker. (he covers his mouth with hand, shocked.) WINDOW Bag Lady peers up Alley. Seeing nothing, she goes back inside. INT. LIVING ROOM (PRESENT) - INTERCUT Charlie pulls himself up over ledge collapses next to sparking fan motor. Pigeon flies back in, alights on floor. Hops to laptop. CHARLIE Oh no you don’t. Charlie stands, bustles towards Pigeon. CHARLIE Bend this, Beckham! He boots the pigeon into the back wall in a mass of fluttering feathers. It careens off wall, lands next to Tony Curtis trapped under sofa. He paws at it. It’s giant anaconda like mouth opens. He ain’t called Tony Curtis for nothing. It scoffs the pigeon down whole. EXT. BACK YARD (SCREENPLAY) - INTERCUT In a thunderous explosion of fireworks reaching the grand finale, the final lights spell out the words: Marry me, Kayla. Light, surprise flicker over the faces of Charlie, Kayla, Mom. 93. Charlie, leans against Teitelbaum. CHARLIE Wow. I didn’t know fireworks could do that. TEITELBAUM Not until tonight. The best Pyrotechnicians in the world. Cost me more than the ring. CHARLIE What ring? Teitelbaum kneels before Kayla, Mom in awe standing at the balcony. Kayla looks down at Teitelbaum. TEITELBAUM Marry me, Kayla. You’ve always been the love of my life. You were my first and will be my last. He tosses up a velvet case. Kayla catches it. Mom snoops in as Kayla opens the case to reveal...a sparking whopping 5.0 Carat diamond ring. TEITELBAUM Will you be my wife? Kayla stares at Charlie. Then to Mom. Finally at Teitelbaum. KAYLA Yes. Charlie slumps. Klezmers, Caribbeans get soppy, wipe away tears. Even Marcus smiles. Charlie shoots him a cold glare. MARCUS Sorry, bro. But you gotta admit. Those fireworks were impressive. Can’t top that. Shit, I’d marry him. INT. LIVING ROOM (PRESENT) - INTERCUT Charlie on floor, reads from laptop’s screen. He glances at his alarm clock. Five minutes to midnight. He slams the laptop shut. Pushes it away. Outshined, he collapses onto floor. 94. CHARLIE God. I know I haven’t thought of you in like ten years. I know I renounced your existence an’ all. But if you make her come to me. Perform some miracle. I swear I’ll change. Make confessions. Church on Sundays an’ stuff. I mean Synagogue on Sundays an’ shit... INT. BATHROOM (PAST) - NIGHT Teitelbaum naked wearing just the yarmulke, loads bubble bath into Jacuzzi's running hot steamy water. Tests the temperature with a finger. TEITELBAUM (shouts) It’s just right, my little artichoke. BEDROOM Duncan treads past Kayla slipping out of her clothes behind a an open closet door. She doesn’t notice him. He reaches the answering machine. Takes out a small folded piece of paper. Opens it. DUNCAN Sometime’s all people need is a helping finger. (snorts white powder) He prods the answering machine’s button. Then rolls under the bed. Kayla, now naked turns to the answering machine’s beep. A m essage plays: STRIPPER (FILTERED) (on answering machine) Hey Sidney, baby. Deposited your check today. It bounced. Where’s my money? You cheap Jew. Kayla approaches the answering machine. It beeps another message. 95. STRIPPER (FILTERED) Sidney. I need that money. Pay my rent. Where are you? Buy a cell phone, you cheap Jew. Beeps again. STRIPPER (FILTERED) Tight Jewish dickhead. I’m being evicted. I don’t sleep with no one for free. Not for you. Not for all the tea in England. Kayla stops at the word England. Teitelbaum emerges from bathroom as another message beeps on. STRIPPER (FILTERED) Sydney. Sydney. Jew. Jew. Jew. Why don’t I just tell the English fellow that you drugged him? KAYLA You paid her to sleep with him, didn’t you? TEITELBAUM I did it for you. I love you. How can you spend your life with that dreck? KAYLA Better than spending my life with a Trichen ah furtz. TEITELBAUM Shtup Kurva! KAYLA Kish m'in toukhes! TEITELBAUM Pierick! Beneath the bed, Duncan smiles. INT. LIVING ROOM (PRESENT) - NIGHT Charlie still sprawled on floor amidst the mess of furniture, broken glass, sparking fan motor. 96. CHARLIE God, I’m waiting. Show me the miracle...Okay, fuck you then. Just then the door opens. Kayla enters. Charlie bolts upright. KAYLA What happened here? Another party? Who’s that sleeping in the hallway? CHARLIE Long stories. All of them. But I’ll tell you. First though, why did you come back? KAYLA It’s you I want to be with, Charlie. You’re unpredictable. Spontaneous. Sydney is just boring. Thinks money can buy anything. Like the fireworks. The ring. What you did. That took real chutzpah. That took commitment. CHARLIE (looks up) God, I take every bad thing back I said about you. I love you God. (to Kayla) And you... well, let me show ya’. They move into each other, tongues propelling so fast. Can’t tell which one belongs to who. Then a RUMBLE. Earthquake? Charlie glances at alarm clock. 5 seconds til Midnight. T ICKING. The ceiling cracks open. A gaping black hole spreads across it. The Sofa drags along floor. Tony Curtis claws at rug as upside down gravity tugs him across floor. As if Charlie’s home became a black hole for the center of the universe, every element, particle, atom converges to the center of the hole, whips up into it. Charlie, Kayla hold on for dear life. Get whipped through hole... Hole closes up into iris. MATCH CUT TO: 97. CHARLIE’S EYE Opening. The iris registers light. He turns, sees Kayla’s face. He stretches, smiles. She awakes. Blows him a kiss. CHARLIE What happened last night? We kissed. It was Dynamite. I don’t remember anything else. KAYLA Me neither. It’s just a big black hole. Did we have sex? She looks under covers, sees she’s naked. Her thong hangs on the ceiling fan. Charlie squirms. CHARLIE I guess we did. I’m on the wet spot, again. If we’re going to get married Kayla. There’s some conditions. KAYLA Yes, I know you need a Green card like immediately. CHARLIE No, I don’t mean that...You have to be willing to sleep on the wet spot now and again. Its mostly yours anyhow. (smiles) KAYLA Yeah, but it’s all your fault. (snuggles up to him) I have a condition too...You need to get circumcised...Don’t worry, Rabbi Edelman is a certified Mohel. He’s great with babies. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Charlie kisses Kayla, exits into hall. Walks down stairs. Bag Lady emerges from shadows, follows. 98. EXT. PARKING SPOT - DAY Charlie keys open his mini-cooper. Bag Lady surprises him. CHARLIE Jesus. What do you want? BAG LADY I stopped a burglary in your apartment last night. Should thank me. CHARLIE That’s what all the mess is about. BAG LADY Years ago I was attacked in my home. I’ve lived in the streets ever since. Yesterday, I felt powerful for the first time in my w eak existence. CHARLIE Well, thank you. Now will you please stop bugging me. BAG LADY I fantasize about you day and night, Charlie. I’ve never felt like this before. I must know what’s it like to be kissed. CHARLIE No way. BAG LADY Please. Just one kiss. And I will leave you alone. CHARLIE Just one kiss and you’ll go? BAG LADY One kiss. CHARLIE Tongue? BAG LADY Please. 99. CHARLIE Okay, I’ll do it, but you better not ask me for anything else. Bag Lady closes her eyes, puckers up. Charlie leans in, like he’s about to eat a cockroach. Bag Lady yanks both his cheeks, sucks him like a vacuum cleaner... CHARLIE Okay, that’s enough. (wipes his mouth) I think you cut my tongue. Bag Lady’s grimy fingers leave dirt smeared on his cheeks. CHARLIE Okay, I did my part of the bargain. BAG LADY Just one more thing. Could you perhaps grope one of my breasts? CHARLIE No! BAG LADY Okay, okay. No harm in asking. I’ll leave now. Pack my stuff. Move on. She trudges to her kart. Charlie wipes his tongue. Viewpoint whips from Charlie...up through wisps of clouds...high above Hollywood...L.A...past a Boeing 777 slows down...to peek over a cloud, where Duncan, Percy kneel before God still dressed as tourist. GOD Take my word, I don’t enjoy suspending my much needed vacation for you two kids. So here is what is going to happen. Percy gulps. Duncan bows his head low. GOD Duncan. I think you have learned your lesson in the pit. Since your escape, you have been fasting on earth. You have made a believer out of a non believer. That’s good for the polls. One extra believer makes a difference come election day. 100. Percy glares God in the eye. GOD (off Percy to Duncan) I will make you...Charlie’s new Guardian Angel. Duncan kisses God’s sandaled feet. GOD Percy, I will spare you the pit for fasting. But for your other acts and failure, I will demote you. PERCY Demote me. Demote me to who? EXT. SUNSET BLVD - DAY The Bag Lady swigs a bottle of whisky. Percy in a dirty toga sordida reserved for the lower class Angels sits next to her. He scratches his scruffy hair. Angelic fleas? INT. OFFICE - DAY Charlie whistles down hallway to Elevator, where Mini Skirt presses the button. They share an awkward moment. CHARLIE I er, about yester - MINI SKIRT You know, we should - CHARLIE I’m sorry, you first. MINI SKIRT I can control my actions. I did what I did yesterday, because I wanted to. But that’s it. We should forget it happened. CHARLIE It’s okay, Darling. I’m getting married. MINI SKIRT You are? That’s great news. Who’s the lucky lady? Elevator doors CHIME OPEN. Mrs. Karkaus sucks off Mr. Karkaus. She turns, chews a wad of...again not gum. 101. EXT. PARKING SPOT Meter Maid in neck brace, leg cast jots down mini cooper’s license into hand held computer. Charlie’s gaze comes down from a News Jetranger helicopter hovering above. CHARLIE Come on, lady. Don’t be mean. I was two seconds late. See, there was this old geezer (She casts a cold glare at the word geezer) on the elevator getting a - She hands him the parking fine. METER MAID Have a nice day. Charlie gets into mini-cooper, seethes. Reverses out. Suddenly cars from all sides swerve into the car, crushing it. Charlie bounces from side to side with each crash. A Nissan careens off another vehicle, knocks over Meter Maid. She smashes through road blockade, plummets down open manhole. Her shrieks echo. Then THUD! Charlie crawls out of mini cooper’s window onto hood of Ford vehicle, drops to ground, crawls. Drivers emerge from their cars, troop like zombie puppets towards a startled, banged up Charlie... CHARLIE What the hell is going on? INT. BEDROOM - INTERCUT Teitelbaum’s Guardian Angel Sanzen. Now naked, muffles cries into a toga gag. He wriggles in white rope bindings, kicks the floor. Teitelbaum, four days growth of beard, hunches over his laptop in a tattered bath gown, laughs his ass off. TYPES madly. Percy wearing Sanzen’s bright white toga, leans in to Teitelbaum’s ear, shouts excitedly. 102. PERCY (jumping) The chopper. Get the Chopper! EXT. WILSHIRE BLVD - INTERCUT Charlie backs away from Zombie Driver puppets. Cars crash all around him in background. Chaos! The Jetranger news chopper heads directly towards him out of control. JETRANGER Pilot has lost control. Grips control sticks like a mad man. His face, body twitches. COPILOT speaks through receiver. COPILOT We got a jetranger going down. We got a jetranger going down. We got a bird going down in the city. WILSHIRE BLVD Litter, dust scatters around Charlie as he throws an arm up in feeble defense. As the chopper descends, its shadow grows around Charlie... BLACK. FADE OUT. THE END